Sunday, October 19, 2008

Dear Cr-Abby from Wants to Disclose


MOM BEARS BRUNT OF DAUGHTER'S ANGER OVER PARENTS' DIVORCE

DEAR CR- ABBY:

My husband cheated on me, so I decided to end the marriage. I didn't tell anyone the true reason behind the divorce because I wanted to keep it private.
My 14-year-old daughter is extremely angry with me and blames me for the divorce. Her father can do no wrong in her eyes. I have custody, and our house has become a war zone.
So far, I have revealed no details to her except that we both love her and our marriage simply did not work out. I am tempted to tell her the truth, hoping we can call a truce and try to get our relationship back on track. Is this a bad idea? -- WANTS TO DISCLOSE


Dear WMD (Weapons of Mom's Destruction),

There are two distinct and separate issues here...don't confuse the two. You have your 14 year olds disrespectful behavior and you have a divorce. Mothers and daughters go through these battles in homes that are in tact and those under seige.
Negatory on the disclosure!!!

First, there is no upside in dragging daddy into the fray...use his current "good standing" with your daughter to fix things...he knows what he did and if you pull him aside and share the problems and ask him to fix it,..HE may opt to fess up or HE may opt to simply lay down the law as to acceptable behavior with her interaction with you (I suggest the later).

If you reach for the NUKES (trashing Dad in a divorce details disclosure) you'll arm your daughter with more ammo without fixing the primary problem. Secondarily, full disclosure would include things that you may not want shared. If you only tell what your reasons for the divorce were, Dad may have to share things about you, including the reasons he stepped out in the first place. There will be no winners in that dirty laundry airing.

No, at 14 the real important stuff is not the break up of the home it falls on things like friends, clothes, boys, and bling. So, your true weapons of mass destruction are the embargo's you can impose...i.e. No Mall trips, No afer school friends time, No gift cards to Tillys, Sun Diego, and all those fun names for stores that sell $3 T-shirts for $35.

Good Luck,

Cr-Abby

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