Dear Cr-Abby from Confused in Pennsylvania

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My husband, "Warren," and I are happily married. We love each other. We are both hardworking career professionals and have raised our family. We have always been faithful to each other.
Warren is very open with his emotions and often tells me how much he loves me. He is also very passionate during our intimate moments. The problem is, he expects me to act the same way -- which I can't.
Although I love my husband and always will, I do not feel comfortable expressing myself the way he does during our lovemaking. I am content to just "get it over with" while he yearns for the kissing, hugging and talk.
Despite an active sex life with Warren, he has told me many times he wishes I were more expressive and open with my feelings. I respond by telling him, "I am who I am." He is not happy that I refuse to change.
Warren is a wonderful man. Other women probably would have no problem giving him what he wants, but we are not compatible this way. I have never spoken to anyone else about this, and I'm wondering what you think. -- CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Role Reversal near Redding,

So, your honey is Pepe Le Pew and you the Cat Woman prying out from under to escape. Curious, while you didn't tell me how many years you have been married you did refer to having raised a family. Hence, I assume you've been together a couple of decades....has it always been so?

If not, maybe your plumbing is making that mid-life adjustment. Any good plumber will tell you it is all about the tools.

Run down to your nearby Pussy-Cat Club with the adjoining marital aid emporium next door and pick yourself up a nice massaging crescent wrench. Turn the bedroom into Tool Time.

Maybe that will loosen your tongue a tad.

If that fails there are a few illegal pharmaceuticals that help honey turn on the tulip..."X" marks/hits the spot :)

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Waiting in Texas

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My husband "William" and I have been married 32 years. I love him dearly, but his health is poor. William is only 55, has had five heart attacks and has three stents in his heart. His last visit to the ER included being hit with paddles because his heart had stopped. In spite of this, my husband continues to smoke, eat whatever he wants and so on. I feel as if I am just waiting for him to die.
I think about this all the time. When I try to call my husband and he doesn't answer, I envision him at home dead on the floor. We have made all the arrangements necessary for when the time comes.
We recently moved into a new home. William works constantly around the house and then complains to me about how tired he gets. When I encourage him to take it easy and rest, he says, "I have to get everything done before I die." It's driving my crazy.
How do I end these obsessive thoughts of my husband dying? It scares me to think of life without him. We have been together since I was a teenager. Other times I feel as if his death will actually set me free. William is a good man, and I'm troubled by these constant nagging thoughts. Any advice would be a blessing.
-- WAITING IN TEXAS

Dear Not Thrilled with Bill in Beaumont,

Your Hubby is well past his Wonderbread Years...the dye is cast. He has had all of these life-threatening experiences which no doubt included the usual chastisement by medical professional....yet his behavior is "locked in" to the race to grave program.

You can't change him, you can only change you!

Grant me the strength to change those things I can
Grant me the serenity to accept those things I can't
Grant me the wisdom to know the difference

Enjoy the time you have, prepare for the time alone, find another life enjoying activity (hobby, social club etc) to bridge the transition (before and after).

Try not to go down with the ship by making those life insurance payments on time!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Rev. M.N.R. in New York

DEAR CR-ABBY:

In this day and age, especially with jobs so scarce, a lot of young couples are finding that by becoming legally married they disqualify themselves from things like prenatal care, health care for their children and government assistance programs. In order to survive, many couples now opt to have the ceremony without the paperwork.
Another idea gaining in popularity is that unless everyone in this country has equal rights for marriage, no one should be getting married. Several couples I know have married without the paperwork because they regard the alternative the same as sitting at a segregated lunch counter, and they are unwilling to support segregation.
Many people feel there is a blatant disregard for separation of church and state and that "legal" marriages are not at all legal, but an example of government recognizing those with faith while disregarding those who have a different point of view on what family is.
-- REV. M.N.R. IN NEW YORK

Dear Right Reverend Wishy Washy,

You sir or maam as the case maybe are a leader of your church. While people can and will argue about right and wrong, you are the person to assert the view of the church (or the church's view of God's intent). Playing the crowd as the chief fence sitter may help you minimize attrition of the flock which is a financial goal, it does nothing to help those lost and confuse as it relates to a moral compass.
Unless of course you wish to open a new church, "The Divine Center of the I'm Okay, You're Okay and it's All Good".

I do strongly agree that the state should legally recognize unions (all unions) and insure equal rights accorded all citizens. That doesn't mean the church follows suit.

Church's can search their own tenets and establish ceremony's based on those tenets. There will be sufficient church differences to accomodate anyone in need of a certain "RITE".



Let the State handle the RIGHTS and the Church handle the RITES, but don't surrender a moral position simply based on popular marketability.
Grow some balls, even if you are a chick preacher!



Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Bethany in Minneapolis

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I must respond to the letter from "Deceived in Arizona" (Nov. 30). I agree the couple shouldn't have misled their guests and should have let them know it wouldn't be a state-sanctioned wedding. But these days, many couples choose not to legally wed, and for others it is not a choice.
Most gay and lesbian people do not have the opportunity to have a state-sanctioned marriage, and many progressive couples choose not to legally wed because of unequal marriage laws. Other couples view marriage as oppressive and prefer not to invite the state into their relationship.
Also, some churches will no longer perform state-sanctioned marriages until marriage is available to all couples. If members of those churches decide to be legally married, they must go to the courthouse.
My advice to that stepmother: Get over it! Celebrate the fact that your stepdaughter found her lifelong companion and is happy. And be thankful your new grandchild will have loving, committed parents. -- BETHANY IN MINNEAPOLIS

Dear Eliza Do Gooder,

Go jump in one of those thousand lakes of yours...we don't need retreads here at Dear Cr-Abby.

A gathering of people to enjoy a special day is called a "Party", a wedding in a church is the painful non-sense you have to endure until you can get to the party and hopefully the open bar.

BTW; You can write me back once your Vikings ever win a Superbowl...the losers have cost me $$$ over the years and as a 35 year fan, I'm tired of waiting.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Homebody in Massachusetts

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Is it possible -- or normal -- for someone to lack the desire to travel? I am a 23-year-old female college graduate with a good job. I am involved in a serious relationship and still live with my parents because of financial constraints.
I like to think my life is pretty normal.
When my friends graduated from college, they all backpacked through Europe before starting their jobs. I was content to stay home, relax and readjust to life off-campus. Now that my friends are accruing vacation time, they are planning all sorts of trips -- cruises, vacations, road trips to visit old roommates, etc. None of this appeals to me.
I am a nervous traveler and tend to feel uncomfortable when I'm outside my "comfort zone." I'm not afraid to admit that I can be uptight, and I don't "roll with the punches" very well.
Last summer my boyfriend and I spent several weekends in a beach town about two hours away. I had a great time, although I was just as happy to go home at the end. I am not depressed or aloof. Give me an afternoon at the local mall or a movie rather than a weekend in Las Vegas. Am I weird? -- HOMEBODY IN MASSACHUSETTS

Dear Nesting Neophyte Near Nantucket,

Cr-Abby apologizes for his belated response,...I usually get this done in the morning but my Metamucil didn't kick in on time and I spent the morning on the pot and the keyboard cord wasnt long enough to reach the John. Much better now despite the roids.

Back to you and your "am I normal" question...
Not wanting to travel today with all the fun the TSA has thrown into the process is not only normal but completely understandable.
Many young adults who should have their a##'es out of their parents houses have opted to be a free loader like you so that's is probably the new normalcy too.

However, with all that said, Cr-Abby would suggest that you exit the nest in steps (no, a trip to the mall doesn't count). Here's the plan;

1) Find an apartment with a roommate that is affordable and get you bum butt outta Momma's house.

2) Commute to work without Daddy dropping you off (trike, bike train or bus...make no matter to me).

3) Let the boyfriend introduce you to the 13 states of the Union (oops I mean start with the 13).

Have you heard of a little thing called the "Global Economy"? Being the head typists in the Smith Corona temporary typists factory pool doesn't have much of a future.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Exasperated in Ohio

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Because of a medical condition, my husband of 30 years can no longer drive a car -- so now he is driving ME nuts. Not only does he tell me how to drive ("You're too far to the right," or "Watch out for that car!" or " I'd go this way," etc.), but he feels it is his responsibility to remotely lock/unlock the car doors, remotely start the car -- anything having to do with the car but drive it.
We end up "canceling" each other out when I try to start the car or lock it. Please tell me how to solve the dilemma about who should control the functions of the car.
-- EXASPERATED IN OHIO

Dear Driving Mr. Daisy Near Dayton,

We men like to feel we are in control. Losing the ability to drive is as bad an emasculator to a man as losing control of Little (or not so Little) Johnny, or ceding our lives to some nagging shrew.

What we need here is a faux-control device to last the trip from here-to-there.

Go to Best Buy and buy him the most tricked-out, portable gaming device with a gigantic joy stick.

You drive and he gets to control his stick...but that will only last for short trips :). For long treks you will have to get a portable DVD player with a remote and a bottle of vicodin (the remote is for him, the vicodin is for you).

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Principled Brother-In-Law

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I consider myself to be a "free spirit." I bike and hike to get around, do not own a car and pretty much try to live "off the grid."
My recently married sister and new in-laws are my favorite people in the world. But they constantly arrange weekend events -- movie nights, shopping trips and coffee bar-hopping. The objective, of course, is the joy of sharing good company.
As a vehement anti-consumerist and anti-materialist, I find it deeply upsetting to be asked to spend money on things I consider to be exploitive industries and endeavors. On the other hand, there's nothing I enjoy more than being in the presence of these kind, loving, nurturing people.
So, just as I can't stand the way they spend their money, I don't want to spoil their good time by being some kind of "psycho naturalist in-law." What can I do?
-- PRINCIPLED BROTHER-IN-LAW

Dear Underground Uber Urchin,

You know, my farts don't bother me, in fact sometimes, they smell kind of sweet. However, when someone else lets one go off, it really stinks.

Unless I'm willing to go "Howard Hughes" I suppose from time to time I'll have to take a whiff as part of the penalty of interfacing with other people.

I forgot, what was your question again?

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Eric in Los Alamitos, CA

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I clearly remember my first Valentine's Day. I was in first grade. A few days before, my mom asked how many kids were in my class, and we went to a store and bought large packages of valentines -- one for every child in the class. The cards were all the same size and said, basically, the same thing.
When I arrived at school, each classmate had a small box on his or her desk. At some point during the day, I went around the room and gave each child a valentine. There was one for the quiet one in the back, the most popular girl in class, the prettiest and even the boys. This was long before society taught me that such a show of affection had to exclude people of the same gender as me. By the end of the day, everyone had a full box of valentines to take home.
One desk, one box ... the love of a child.
As I grew older, society taught me to narrow my offering of affection, picking only those I chose to be special or worthy. Eventually, I was taught to limit my valentines to only one person. More time went on, and then a card was not enough. To show that really special person what she meant to you, you needed to send flowers, candy and jewelry.
Apparently, as we grew older it took more and more to fill those boxes. Now we absolutely could not give to more than one person. People hire detectives to make sure that the person isn't filling anyone else's. And if you had no one to send you anything, you were saddened by your big, empty box filled only with sadness and despair.
Today, I am taking back from society what it has taken from me. I'm counting how many people play a role in my life, and I am buying "virtual" packages of cards. I have one for every single one of you -- man or woman, young or old, straight or gay, married or single. Each card is the same size, they all say the same thing -- that I appreciate who you are and what you have to contribute to each other.
I invite each and every one to do the same, so that no box is empty and the shy ones, the pretty ones, the popular ones and those who are less so go home tonight with a full box of valentines.
One virtual desk, one virtual box, and the love of a child at heart. I wish you all a happy Valentine's Day.
-- ERIC IN LOS ALAMITOS, CALIF.

Dear Eric Escaped from the Lab,

For guy you sure drone on a lot.

News Flash, growing up is a process. You gain things you lose things. You announce your choice to revert and invite others to fall down the same rabbit hole but you forgot to pass the Mushrooms.

Good luck in your search for Bruce from the 3rd grade and your goal of telling him you've finally "come out".

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Stuck in Oklahoma

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am 16 but will be 17 in a few months. I have known my boyfriend, "Gabriel," for two years. He is my first boyfriend.
After four months of dating, Gabriel has asked me to marry him, and I said yes. He had been hinting about an engagement, and I didn't have the heart to say otherwise.
Gabriel is very dear to me, but I keep hearing people say, "Keep your options open." I told Gabriel that I am young (he's 18), and I want to take it slowly, but he says if I break up with him to date other guys, he will never date me again.
Cr-Abby, I want to make sure Gabriel is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Sometimes I wish I hadn't started dating him because I feel too young to be engaged or married. I love Gabriel dearly. I don't want to break his heart or mine. I am also scared I might mess up this relationship. What should I do to make myself believe that I have found my true love?
-- STUCK IN OKLAHOMA

Dear Sixteen Going On Seventeen Sooner,

Stuck in Oklahoma ain't OK,...go West Young Girl and escape the Dust Bowl Courtship. Tell him Later, not Sooner :)
Here, this might be helpful...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3DDXh9o_4o
Don't date any Nazi Wanna Bees either, even if they can sing.

Cr-Abby rule of thumb,...Take your age multiply by 2 as a minimum of people you should date before getting hitched. (CAVEAT, not a valid calculation for those under 16 or over 40)

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Going Through the Motions in Illinois

DEAR CR-ABBY:

Two years ago, my husband of 25 years, "Glen," discovered that I'd had an affair 10 years earlier. After he found out, he couldn't sleep or eat, had recurring nightmares about the affair and was suicidal. He says it is still the first thing that pops into his mind when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep. Neither of us thinks he will ever be able to get over it.
Glen doesn't want to be married to someone who would lie and cheat, and I don't want to be married to someone who can't love me. Actually, I don't think I love him, either. We have discussed divorce many times but it always comes down to our kids.
They are all on their own, but they would be devastated if we divorced -- especially if they knew what caused it. We don't want them to go through the pain that Glen has gone through. We love them and cherish the times we still have together as a family. If we were to divorce, it would never be the same.
Are we crazy to stay together for the kids?
-- GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS IN ILLINOIS

Dear Deceptive Dancer/Desperate Housewife Near Des Plaines,

Glen can't trust you, you can't love someone who can't trust you...Ergo "fold the tent time" is being pondered. I found it enlightening that you spent a scant three words on your ownership in this debacle...which I surmise is the genesis for Glen's lack of healing.

If you are simply asking if staying together for the kids is the right thing to do,...I think you are asking for permission to indulge yourself.
If you care about the kids, you and Glen will invest in counseling where you both will have to demonstrate your caring for the kids by giving the effort an honest chance.

Marriage is not bliss, although there is occasional bliss. Many of the fondness memories come from family outings and events even though the fire below may not burn as it once did.

Do yourself, Glen and the kids a favor...get some help before you take your E-ticket to the Selfish A## Exit. After you have made that honest attempt, you may ponder the other possibilities. For now, lock those away and bring your contrite heart and open mind to an expert...IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS.

Now Buggar Off,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from I'm His Dad in Virginia

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I have tried to have cordial relations with my neighbors, but do not have particularly close friendships with any of them. A little over a year ago, a young man started coming to my home on a regular basis whenever my wife was out of town. After a while, he began spending the night with me when she was away.
Evidently, some of my neighbors noticed these visits and started gossiping about it, spreading the rumor that I am gay and that this young guy is my lover. More recently, however, he has spent the night when my wife is present, so now my neighbors think something kinky is going on.
At times I am puzzled by this. At other times I am angry at their arrogance and gall. The explanation is simple: The young man is my son from a previous relationship. Because we were prevented from having contact when he was a child, we are now trying to establish a relationship -- and we are making progress. My wife and other children have been wonderfully supportive in all this.
I really don't want to tell my neighbors what's going on because it will inevitably lead to a disclosure of some things that are really none of their business. But I am troubled by the rumor that I have a young male lover. What do you think I should do?
-- I'M HIS DAD IN VIRGINIA

Dear Oops, Hi Dad,..Mom gave me your address,

If you don't have a close relationship with your neighbors why give a rat's butt what they surmise.

If you want to have some fun, make a pass at the biggest rumor monger on the block. Guy or Gal, pick your poison, but usually the women are much better at rumor mill production.

PS; Have wifey make a pass at the same gal, that will really get the ole buzz a-going.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Overexposed in San Francisco

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am a private person by nature and avoid doing a lot of posting on the Internet because of it. My problem is a friend I'll call "Maria," who constantly posts pictures of our outings with friends on her Web site for everyone to see.
The photos themselves are not embarrassing, I just prefer not having my face plastered all over the Internet. Most recently, Maria posted photographs from my wedding without asking me, and it really bothered me. I understand that she is an outgoing person who enjoys sharing details of her life, but I feel like my privacy has been invaded.
I am not the only person in our group that feels this way. How do we ask her to stop posting these images without offending her?
-- OVEREXPOSED IN SAN FRANCISCO

Dear Ansel Adams on Steroids,

"Overexposed in San Francisco", isn't that redundant?

I have thought long and hard about this one...a real toughy. I flew in a team of consultants. This high powered brain trust and I have burnt the midnight oil and after many hours pondering we believe we have come up with a solution....

Ask her to stop!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Sports Dad Down South

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My youngest son, "Trent," is 17. At a very early age it became apparent that he was a gifted athlete. Years of stellar performance in baseball and other sports have elevated him to a high social status -- and it has created a rift between us.
Trent has become unmanageable. He regards my influence, direction and discipline to be nothing more than a daily hindrance. Somewhere in the sports mania, I lost control as a father.
As his only parent (and support), I wonder how many other parents are really aware of the crushing burden and peer pressure these young people experience in the quest for athletic perfection. I have and always will support my son's goals, but I see a disassociation with reality while he revels in his status. A college scholarship is a given.
Is my issue unique? Do you have any advice for me?
-- SPORTS DAD DOWN SOUTH

Dear Lion in Winter,

As you know, physical maturity and emotional maturity run on different race tracks. Perhaps you made mistakes and perhaps not, but there is only one course of action and it has short term risks but the status quo already has those risks as part of the program. Hence, you have to reach deep down in your diaphram and ROAR.

Your self-respect is only as valuable as your inclination to assert and defend it. You have sway over his life relative to money and while a scholarship and trinkets will abound without your influence and despite them, all college kids need dough/support and nurture.

If he is as good as you say, no doubt a number of sports agents will attempt to supplant your position...just accept that as evitable. However, these same agents and pals are nothing more than fair weather abettors. Watch what happens when there is a career ending injury, or he is beat out by the next Big Man on Campus. When your son has the evitable tough times (there is no escape from life's rain fall) they will be less supportive than you and he will run back. However, you have to show your son that his father deserves respect but loves him for his fame and faults.

In an earlier day, I would have suggested what my 5' 7" grandfather did to my 6' 3" father when he was 17 and feeling uppity...(grandad sent him to the canvas in one blow), but today that only gets you in jail or on the cover of the "Daddy Dearest" tell all biography.

Stand and deliver your terms, stick to them!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from On the Spot in Waldorf, MD

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I'm a fiercely independent and headstrong woman. I have recently begun dating my childhood sweetheart, "Jess," again after 20 years. Jess is traditional and would prefer I surrender my independence and allow him to take the "man's" role. We are trying to compromise, but now another issue has come up.
My best friend, "Wendell," recently proposed to his girlfriend and asked me to be his best woman at the wedding. Of course I accepted. I'm excited about the honor he has bestowed upon me, and I will be wearing a tuxedo and stiletto heels.
Jess is totally against it. He says Wendell is treating me like I'm a man and I'm going along with it. Every time the subject comes up, Jess gets angry. He hasn't met Wendell yet, and I would love more than anything for my two special guys to get along. What am I to do?

-- ON THE SPOT IN WALDORF, MD.

Dear Popeye the Sailor Man,

So, you say..."I am what I am" but you don't recognize/respect Jess's need to be who he is.

Go be the best-woman at the wedding, but I woudl advise against you participating in any ceremony that puts you front and center with Jess.
Let Jess go find his lady and you go find Helen Reddy.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Reluctant Bride in North Carolina

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I am 21 and have been with a great guy, "Albert," who's 20, for more than a year. We're engaged to be married and live together in a condo we recently bought. We both work full time and support ourselves comfortably.
While I would love to marry Albert, I feel we are young and I see no need to rush into it. Things are wonderful between us, but I'm not really looking forward to a wedding.
Albert wants a formal wedding with family in attendance. He says his parents and other family members would be upset if we eloped and would have trouble forgiving him. I'm a rather reserved person, and the idea of being put in the spotlight, with all the hoopla and expense, is overwhelming. In fact, to elope would be perfect for me.
When I share my feelings with Albert, he becomes offended and accuses me of not being as "in love" with him as he is with me. I do love him, and I would be happy to be his wife. I'm just not interested in a ceremony and everything that goes with it. We need advice.

-- RELUCTANT BRIDE IN NORTH CAROLINA

Dear Runaway from Raleigh Bride,

While the bride (traditionally) gets to plan and dictate the size, location, scope, color, invites, brides maids, and other details of the event...you have opted for the no-plan gig.

I'm just spit balling here but I'm reasonably sure you have issues other than your reserved nature. You say "you would love to marry Albert" but you also share "you aren't in a rush" meanwhile he and the potential in-laws are pushing for a big gig soon.

Your 20,....at 20 I didn't know which hand to use to errr uhmm relax much less who to marry...but that's me. You have bought a home together and that's kudos for you,...but didnt you talk about a timeline when you "shacked up"? What was the plan?

Anyway, you can get hitched at City Hall and have a "party" elsewhere if that is how you want to play it...if of course the "event" is really the basis for your angst.

I think you need to take a long weekend ALONE and ELSEWHERE to reflect on how you feel, what you want, and then come home and articulate that to Albert. Perhaps, if you don;t love him enough to arrange a traditional wedding for the family, you might not have the goods to go the distance.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Lonely Spouse in New Jersey

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Five years ago, I married a 40-year-old woman I'll call "Phyllis." We had dated for eight years. My problem is, after all this time Phyllis still has not moved into my home. She has never moved any of her personal belongings in either. And she runs home to her mother's house six days a week.
When I try to talk to Phyllis about this, she tells me she will bring her "stuff" over, but then she returns to her mother's and nothing changes. Please tell me what to do.
-- LONELY SPOUSE IN NEW JERSEY

Dear Eyes Wide Shut in Soprano-ville,

Eight years is 2,920 days of opportunities for you to have sniffed out what is obviously someone with separation issues. Your antenna must be the non-digital kind and on the fritz...fortunately, the government has delayed once again the transition to Digital and you won't be with out TV until June.

Dude, you walked into this with either the poorest set of eyes, ears and gray matter imaginable or you did what far too many do,...assumed the ring and ceremony would cure what ails Phillis.
Moreover, you have validated her behavior for 5 years and hence laying down the law now will seem capricious but jump over that objection...you aren't married except in the eyes of the state which means you have the worst of both worlds.

Run don't walk to the nearest exit unless you are willing to have mom move in with you, or I know a guy named Tony who might be able to help you out of this jam.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Sick of the Ex-Factor

DEAR CR-ABBY:
From the time when I was a teen, whenever a romance of mine ended, my mother would continue having her own relationship with the ex, regardless of how I felt about it.
Over the years she has attended my ex-husband's wedding, still visits with my former high school boyfriend, contacts my sister's ex-boyfriend -- the list goes on and on. Not surprisingly, this issue has generated some heated exchanges.
Now my adult daughter is experiencing the same thing. She recently ended a three-year relationship, and guess where Mother ended up? She drove 20 miles to visit him in his store, although there are plenty of other stores she could have gone to nearby.
I have long felt that I didn't matter much to her since my exes were so important to her. But seeing the pain this has brought to my daughter makes me furious all over again. Should we just never introduce her to anyone in our lives until the wedding?
-- SICK OF THE EX-FACTOR

Dear Invasion of the Ex-In-Law Time Snatchers,

I agree that the behavior is curious and not conventional but if she is attending these "ex" events on her own and you aren't there...where is the injury?
Are you simply upset because mommy didn't decide to hate the other team in the post break-up era?

If so, I think you need to reassess your position/emotions.
Ex-husband/wife/etc is not code for "my enemy"...unless you make it so. There are injuries and pain that accompanies any marriage dissolution but keeping score the way you propose perpetuates the pain when you should be mitigating and moving on.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Concenred in Buck County, PA

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My 19-year-old grandson, "Fletcher," an average boy with good looks, is becoming as exhibitionist. He flaunts his body on almost every occasion. When people are around, he goes into his room and emerges minutes later without his shirt, naked to the waist, with his pants dropping down almost showing places we do not wish to see. He struts around, going from room to room, all the while his pants slipping even lower. Fletcher then usually changes into shorts, which also slide down and reveal more than the public should be viewing.
Fletcher does this whether it's hot or cold, in the house or outside. His behavior is not normal. He seems to be doing this stripping thing more and more, regardless of where he is. At our house over the holidays, he found an excuse to remove his shirt to show his abs. He's constantly exercising and working out and is always ready to pull open his shirt to show the results.
I don't know where exhibitionism at this age leads, but I'm sure the road is not a healthy trail to travel. Does all of this seem normal to you, Cr-Abby, and could you comment on it?
-- CONCERNED IN BUCKS COUNTY, PA

Dear Phlash Phobic near Philly,

Fletcher is just working the crowd as a pre-step to his run for governor....Ed Rendell may not look the part but here in California we have the Governator and while he sucks as a political Leader he did have some nice pecs.

So, next time Fletcher Fly is Flung Open just remember, he isn't being immodest he is just trying to connect with the people.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Upset Mom in Bellflower

DEAR CR-ABBY:

My daughter's 15-year-old friend "Willa" no longer comes over to our house. When I asked my daughter why, she said my husband told Willa she was getting fat. Willa told her mother, and her mother told her not to visit us anymore.
I confronted my husband and told him his comment was rude and that
he should never have said it. My husband says I'm wrong, making a huge deal out of nothing and he did not mean anything by it. As a mother, I would not appreciate a grown man making comments about my daughter's body.
Am I wrong to think my husband's remark is a form of sexual harassment, even though it was not in the workplace?
-- UPSET MOM IN BELLFLOWER

Dear PC Police in Mexico North,

Help me out here,...is your question "I am right to be angry and my husband and was he wrong" -OR- Are you really looking for the further legal validation that he has crossed into "sexual harassment" territory.
Why is his rudeness anymore or less rude if we can tag it with one of the hot "Not PC" labels?

Isn't the more germane question..."My husband was an idiot and doesn't recognize the injury he caused YOUR daughter" (not to mention the little plumper down the street)...how do I fix this?

Here's what you do,...take one more stab at getting Archie Bunker to "get it" using the phrase,..."do you see that this hurt our daughter as much as it hurt our neighbor"? If the answer is still..."ain't no thang"...then plan "B"....
Wait until his best friend comes over, you know "J.W." the one with gut that hides his Bronco Billy Belt Buckle... In a clear loud bello..."say, hey,..is that a solar eclipse or did J.W. just walk in?"
Then maybe he get a clue.

Meanwhile, go over and have a chat with the family and apologize for the comment (even though you weren't the perp). Make a nice play date for FREE WILLY and your daughter to reconnect on neutral territory like the "All You Can Eat Trough Section" at Ben and Jerry's Emporium.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Lost Our Mom Too

DEAR CR- ABBY,

Last year, my elderly father fell, suffering a head injury that caused his death. Dad had a chronic illness that kept him housebound during the last year of his life.
Prior to his death, my mother began corresponding with, and inviting, an old high school boyfriend to visit. (He lived six hours away.) This man, "Milton," moved in with Mother while my father was still alive.
Mom has been with Milton ever since, first at her home and now at his winter home down south. My siblings and I are aghast at her behavior. She phones and sends cheery e-mails as if she were on an extended holiday and having the time of her life. Meanwhile, we are still mourning our father's loss.
We have tried to share our feelings with her, but she refuses to acknowledge them. She says she "understands," but we don't think she does. Otherwise, why would she move away from her children at this sad time?
-- LOST OUR MOTHER, TOO

Dear Lost Child in Aisle Number Selfish,

Your mom by all accounts had a good life with your dad until the end where she reached out to an old boy for comfort which has obviously morphed into more.
The question you might want to reflect on is why did your mom have to seek support outside of the family during your fathers' last days...maybe the kids were too busy to pitch in?

Your mother didn't fall off the planet she is living south of you...there are planes, trains and automobiles to make reconnecting nothing more than a small trip.
Relationships require an investment or they wane,...did you deposit enough time, heart and energy into the relationship sustainment bank to demand such a withdrawal during your mother's mourning period?

I think not!

Cr-Abby