Dear Cr-Abby from Trisha in Ohio

EVEN EXPERIENCED MOMS CAN BE SURPRISED BY PREGNANCYDEAR CR-ABBY: I am a nurse, writing in response to the letter from "Flabbergasted Parents in New Mexico" (July 19). I have worked in small community hospitals and in the emergency rooms of trauma centers in larger cities. Over the years, I have seen many young ladies in their early 20s come into the ER with abdominal pain. When asked if there is a "possibility" that they could be pregnant, they say no. Even after a pelvic exam, when they are being taken up to labor and delivery, they deny they are having a baby.This is like a pseudo-pregnancy, where the person thinks she is pregnant and has all the symptoms but isn't, in REVERSE. In their minds, these ladies feel that the possibility of pregnancy is not an option -- so mind-over-matter takes over."Taryn," the girl in the letter, was probably not lying. She just could not face the truth until her baby actually came. Our bodies are amazing vehicles when you think about it. -- TRISHA IN NORTH BALTIMORE, OHIO

Dear Karnack in Kleveland,

Your insights are staggering; a woman who denies she is pregnant for 9 months right up and during delivery might be in denial...wow, how much did you charge Blue Cross for that diagnosis? Apparnetly mind over matter has it's limits.

Sarcasm aside, you may be on to something...Other mind over matter events...

I'm sure I paid the last three mortgage payments what do you mean I dont own my house anymore?

I'm sure I went to work last week, what do you mean I'm fired?

I'm sure I didnt go home with this girl in my bed, what do you mean you're filing for divorce?

I'm sure she told me she was 18, what do you mean I'm under arrest?

I'm not lying...I'm just confused!

...and of course....

I'm not fat, I'm just pregnant!

On second thought, no thanks. I'll stick with the real ugly truth!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Ray in Palm Springs

GOOD READING HABITS LEARNED EARLY PAY LIFELONG DIVIDENDS
DEAR ABBY: I wrote your mother back in 1985, asking her to encourage my eighth-grade students to establish the wonderful habit of reading. My letter was published in The Portland Oregonian.
I still teach eighth-graders, but now I do it in California. It has been 23 years since your mother wrote my students about the importance of reading.
Today we have computers, text messaging and cell phones. It's a different world now, but reading is still important. Would you write a couple of paragraphs about the joys of reading in your column? Your advice will be heeded by my students and many other students in the country who read your column. Kids relate to celebrities, and you are definitely famous. Thank you for your help. -- RAY SMYTHE, PALM SPRINGS, CALIF.

Dear Ichabod In Indio,

Tiny flaw in your communication strategy...you are writing to Dear Abby to post in a newspaper in order to message school aged children the importance of reading. First, the demographic of readers of her column are not 8Th graders. Also, as you point out kids aren't or can't read today (unless it's cyberspace or text messages. Hence, you are writing to talk to people who don't read in a venue they wouldn't open even if they stumbled across a newspaper.

Now Cr-Abby understands why the test scores in California come in right above Mississippi!

Fortunately for you and the unread masses, Cr-Abby intercepted this "spit in the wind" and I'll give you a hand.

This is going out to all my homies in the digital hood...

Yo, Pablo, Chewy, and Flavor Flav,

Put down your piece, drop you ho, and pick up Tolstoy's War and Peace. Otherwise whitey will roll one over on you when you hit the streets.

Out,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Too Late in Tennessee

HUSBAND CONSUMED BY REGRET AFTER DEATH OF BELOVED WIFE
DEAR CR-ABBY: I recently lost my wife to a long illness. When she could no longer work, I tried to give her the best quality of life I could. It took a toll. I worked long hours to give her everything she needed. The medical bills were astronomical. All she ever wanted was me.
I was always the macho type, and "I love you" was always hard for me to say. (I'm a real tough guy.) Well, this tough guy would give anything for one more chance to say it.
She died so suddenly, it was like it wasn't real. For the first couple of weeks I threw myself into work and thought I could handle it. When the death certificate arrived in the mail, that's when I fell apart.
I feel guilty because I was gone so much. I miss her terribly. Sometimes the loneliness is so bad it feels like someone is standing on my chest.
Cr-Abby, I would like to remind all the other macho guys out there that TIME is something you only get so much of. It is precious, but unfortunately, limited. I realized, too late, that it's not enough that my wife "knew" I loved her. I should have told her more often. I know now that "I wish I would have," "I know I should have," and "If I had just one more chance" are the worst things in the world to hear yourself say when it is already too late.
PLEASE tell your spouse you love her or him. You never know if the last time you say it might be the last time you get the chance. -- TOO LATE IN TENNESSEE

Dear Not in Time Near Nashville,

You hit Cr-Abby right in his Soft Shell. One of the reasons I'm so Cr-Abby is that for many years "throwing myself into work" was the band-aid strategy I employed to avoid, mask or otherwise deal with matters of more importance on the home front. I rationalized the behavior as "providing for the family"..you know that "he-man BS as you refer to above.

Women have a higher emotional I-Q than men....although it clutters their brains with all manner of other non-sense it does give them better intuition. Rest assured your wife knew that you loved her dearly and saw right through your workaholic he-man exterior. You did many things it appears to make her last days more comfortable and that is a very strong sign of love.

I understand the regret you feel, but try to snap out of it and now look for a different way to "fill the dash". The "dash" is that mark on your tombstone between your born and death dates.

A good man who cared and provided for his wife, but didn't always express it...sounds to me like your wife was a lucky women (health crisis not withstanding).

Chin Up,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Distressed New Wife in Vermont

IN-LAWS' RACIST JOKES CAUSE NEW BRIDE CONCERN FOR FUTURE
DEAR ABBY: I recently married "Matt," the man of my dreams. We want to have children someday. Although I love Matt, I do not love the other men in his family -- specifically his father and his brothers. I'm worried about the negative influence they may have on our children.
These people swear and make racist comments and jokes in front of their children. Matt has spoken to them about it in front of me, but it hasn't stopped them or altered the way they act.
I'm an adult. I understand that these people haven't had the same educational opportunities and positive parental guidance that I was fortunate enough to have, but I worry about the influence they may have on our children. I don't want to ruin my husband's relationship with his family, but if they won't cut out the comments, I don't see how I can allow them to be a part of our children's lives. Please help. -- DISTRESSED NEW WIFE IN VERMONT

Dear PC Pollyanna,

Let's assume for a moment that despite no evidence offered i.e. quotes from the in-laws, they are as you say culturally stunted and bigotry runs amok in Vermont. That seems counter-intuitive given the political landscape in San Fran East. Remember the former Gov. heads the DNC...Woo Hoo (I'll bet he doesn't say that much anymore).

There is one two choices here;

1) Wean Hubby off Reunions with the Racists Relatives

2) Stick in the Eye

They only way to deal with bully's is to walk up and smack them repeatedly until desired transformation takes place. Think of it as shock therapy for whitey.

Invite over some of your best friends from the rainbow coalition and concurrently invite over your in-laws. Make sure the non-whites (oh and throw a few gays in for good measure) arrive first and tell them you are performing an invention. Have everyone hide and when the klan/kin show up in their pick'em up truck and walk in....have everyone jump up and yell "surprise, welcome to 2008". Make sure your buffet has assorted ethnic viddles and have the most flaming gay and the biggest baddest black dude cozy up to daddy...he is the Lynch pin (pun intended) of the whole ailment.

Do this for the next 5 times the in-laws come over....you will either convert them or you'll achieve plan #1.

Either way your kiddies will be spared the influence of intolerance and will only have to deal with you PC types who really piss me off.

Now Git,

Cr-Crabby

Dear Cr-Abby from At Odds in Austin

PRACTICE THAT ISN'T PERFECT TRIGGERS FAMILY DISCORD DEAR CR- ABBY: My wife and I disagree about how to handle a problem with our 6-year-old daughter, "Emily," who has not been practicing her piano lessons as diligently as we would like. After her last lesson, I told my wife that I didn't think Emily did very well.My wife thinks we should deny Emily her bedtime snack. I disagree. I feel that practicing the piano is a responsibility, and Emily should not be punished. Failure to be responsible has its own consequences. What do you think?

-- AT ODDS IN AUSTIN

Dear Lone Star Loon,

You wrote 6 sentences and I feel like writing you 6 paragraphs; all of which would say "She's only 6 f-ing years old", but in enough languages so that you and Stage Mom Wannabe don't miss the message. So please chill-out and try not to f-up little Emily, we don't need another stressed out Texan vying to please Daddy.

Cr-Abby gets that children need to be introduced to responsibility in stages that hopefully culminates in a functioning adult. That said, music is a gift to be enjoyed,...not turned into Drill Sargent fodder.If she isn't into piano, find out what she might like to do...if nothing,...that's okay too. Maybe she can go crazy and I don't know,..maybe play at the park with other 6 year-olds and chat about how f-d up their parents are.

How did you teach her to walk and talk?....Scooby Snacks?

Pull your head out and then reach in an inch or two further and grab your wife's cranium too,...you two should go to bed tonight without your snacks!!!

Cr-Abby has a prescription for you two; rent the movie "Best in Show",...and pay special attention to the couple who wear braces and dote over a dog and lose their cookies over a missing dog toy....smell like you two to me.

Now Git,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Proud Father in Las Cruces

NEW DAD FACING CHALLENGES CAN FIND HELP ALL AROUND

DEAR CR-ABBY: My heart goes out to "New Father in North Carolina" (July 10), who was asked to baby-sit a 14-year-old boy and now has legal custody of him. A long time ago, a baby was abandoned and left in my care. I made the commitment and the sacrifices, and reaped rewards along the way. I'm proud of the fine person my daughter has become and the way she respects me. Please allow me to share some advice with "New Father" based on my experiences.Ask people for help. Be open about the difficulties you encounter, while maintaining good humor. It will give others an opportunity to volunteer for particular things.Live your values. My own father never failed to correct himself when he learned he was wrong. He never lied, cheated or took unfair advantage. I'm grateful for the examples he set.Above all, listen. Don't shrug things off just because they might not loom large in your own mind. Find out why they matter to your son. He needs to know he'll be treated with respect even if he says something "stupid." Assure him that mistakes don't equal stupidity and that learning to correct mistakes sensibly is one of the most important lessons in life.I hope these suggestions will be useful to "New Father." Although we have never met, this gentleman is lodged permanently in my heart. -- PROUD FATHER IN LAS CRUCES

Dear Papi in Mexico North,

You're a smooth one, you guise a compliment about someone else and then assert your own "Dudley Doright Accolades",...well done. Toot your own horn and people think you aren't patting your own back. Apparently your ole pappy didn't get to that humility lesson in time.

Yeah Yeah, I get it, it's tough out there for single fathers especially those who have a baby dump on the doorstep...like that happens a lot. Your advice would have been more germane if you had addressed events that happen more routinely than a lottery win, or lightining strike.

Like..

."Hi, Uhhhh John, this is Sue, do you remember me? Well, the thing is,...I really don't know how to say this, but when we had that night together after the tequilla shooter contest well, I'm late!"

-or-

"Bill, I just don't feel the same about you as I used too. I've met someone and well he makes me feel like you used to. He has his own business, it is a start up...he cleans pools...he did a nice job on ours and well one thing led to another. So, I'm off to Rio with Pablo. Kiss the kids for me.

Now if you had addressed these more routine scenarios, I'd have more respect for your self-serving Kudo Lob.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Happy in the Mid-West

ONE WOMAN'S REJECT TURNS OUT TO BE ANOTHER WOMAN'S PRIZE

DEAR CR-ABBY:

My friend dated someone I'll call "Joel" a few times. She said he was nice, but she couldn't get past the fact that he's 27 and still lives at home with his mom. He is also rather shy.I ran into Joel a couple of months ago. We started chatting and I ended up asking him out. Cr-Abby, he's a great guy. He's good-looking, has a steady job, drives a new truck and has money in the bank. He calls when he says he will and never "forgets" his wallet at home. He always insists on paying for dates, and he's a good cook. And to top it off -- his mom is amazing!I have never been happier, but now my so-called friend is angry with me. Now she is telling people that I "took" Joel away from her. (She had already told him she wasn't interested in him when I asked him out.) I'm losing a friend, but there is no way I'm giving him up. Maybe this will serve as a warning to other women. Don't count a man out because one or two things bother you. Look carefully at the whole picture before you judge someone. -- HAPPY IN THE MIDWEST

Dear Gay in a Cornfield,

Darling, you don't need to worry about your girlfriend and her feelings, but you'd better take this "Joel" for a long test drive after he leaves mommy's nest (assuming that plan is even on his radar).

It is very easy to be generous, unstressed, keep a nice "pick'em up truck", and a few shekels in the bank (or mattress given current trends) when Mommy has those other little things like mortgage, electric, food, taxes etc. handled.My 18 year old son has more money in the bank than me, but then again he isn't shilling out $3K a month to the Dewey-Cheatem & Howe Lending Institution.

You haven't met Joel yet, you have only met his representative under ideal conditions.Call me 6 months after he has snapped off that 27 year old umbilical cord.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Pam in Texas

MOMS DEBATE LOADING QUESTION IN SUPERMARKET PARKING LOTS

DEAR CR-ABBY: My women friends and I are having a disagreement about whether we should put our children in the car first, or load our groceries first. One friend says that she starts her car to cool it off, buckles her children in and then loads her groceries. Another friend insists that you should put your kids in last, so if your car gets hijacked your children won't be in the car.However, I had my baby sitting in the front of the cart while I unloaded my groceries when another car backed up so fast that she came within an inch of hitting my baby in the cart. I let out a blood-curdling scream, and she stopped her car just in time.Wouldn't it be easier to buckle my older child and baby in the car before unloading my groceries? -- PAM IN HOUSTON

Dear S-Pam-alot in the New Windy City,

Most days Cr-Abby likes to pontificate and lob about three paragraphs but this is just too stupid a question for much analysis. That explains a lot about how "W" became our 43rd President...people like you voting.

The letter should be titled..."How Many Texans Does it Take to...?"Cr-Abby moment of epiphany; Tell the bag boy you need help loading the groceries.

Safety and Stimulate Economy at same time.

Out,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Office that cares in Pennsylvania

ELDERLY PATIENTS NEED HELPING HANDS DURING VISITS TO DOCTOR
DEAR CR-ABBY:

I work in a doctor's office where some of our elderly patients are dropped off by a transportation company. These patients often have no one with them or meeting them in the office.
If the person is coherent, it's not a problem. But when the patient isn't, then he or she is unable to fill out the forms or give us insurance information.

Sometimes the people may not even know why they are in our office. Of course, this means they are unable to discuss their problem with the doctor. We assist these patients as much as we can, helping them fill out the forms, etc., but this is a busy office, and it causes other patients to be delayed as well as the doctor.
We don't blame the transportation services, but we are asking that someone accompany the patient and be prepared to fill out our forms even if the patient has been there before because the information must be updated every year.
If the patient has a designated power of attorney, then that's who should accompany the patient and be sure to bring the power of attorney papers along.
It's heartbreaking to see this scenario. We can't provide proper care if the patient can't communicate the problem to us and the doctor. I hope nursing homes and loved ones will read this and do what's best for the patient. -- AN OFFICE THAT CARES IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Forms over Function in Philly,

If you really cared, you'd treat patients regardless of their ability to "fill out forms". which apparently has become the number one health care treatment in America "Creative Writing on Health Care Forms". Interesting to me that some patients arrive without knowledge of why they are there, which to me smells like code for Insurance Fraud.

The reason we sons and daughters of elderly patients aren't in the waiting room (a better name never given to this tomb of care) is because if we take too much time off work we'll lose our own health care insurance.

Try to do a little Zen meditation and place yourself in a mental state beyond the form stamping cubicle clerk you are in...and then re-read your letter.

"Without the forms properly filled out we CANNOT TREAT them"!

My indictment is complete!

Health Care costs continue to rise twice the average inflation rate for all other goods and services...why?

Because you are in the form filling out business and no longer in the Health Care business.

Blow Me. (and I mean that in the kindest manner imaginable)...is there a form for that?

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Motor Mama in Mobile

NEGLECT COSTS DEARLY WHEN CAR ENGINE GOES UP IN SMOKE
DEAR Cr-ABBY: My husband is not very good when it comes to taking care of his car. He never changes the oil -- he just keeps adding new oil to the existing.I have my own vehicle, and I'm always on him to change his oil. I have given him coupons, nagged, begged -- you name it. Because of his neglect, his engine burned out and had to be replaced at a cost of $5,000. It was money our family could hardly afford.
Should I take his car in to get regular oil changes, further enhancing his lack of maturity and responsibility? Or should I continue to allow him to take care of his car himself and possibly cost us more money in future repairs? -- MOTOR MAMA IN MOBILE

Dear Manny, Moe and Jackie,

Is this advice for his personal vehicle or your double wide?

If it is the trailer, then I have a plan.

Most Bama Boys are anti-tax nuts, appeal to his emotions. An oil change on your home might be considered a home imporvement or maintenance expense. Therefore it may qualify as a tax deduction. Just say honey, it isnt about the maintenance but we need the tax shelter.

If that doesnt work try the oldest trick in the book. Pretend your car is on the firtz, not broken just running rough and you are "afraid to drive it". Tell him you are going to the the grocery store to get some viddles and Budweiser. Ask to borrow his car.Timing is everything, wait until lap 134 of whatever Nascar event he is watching. This will buy you the time you need.

Then go have you nails done, order take-out Chinese and let Econo-Lube git-r-done.

BTW; Today's engines and oils are more robust. That old daddy advice about oil changes at 3K intervals is just Big Oil and LUbe-n-Tube trying to get more LOF charges from you.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Bewildered in Bay Area

MOM SHOULD SHARE IN DAUGHTER'S MARRIAGE TO LONGTIME PARTNER DEAR ABBY:

I am a 50-year-old woman, soon to marry my longtime partner, "Julie," in San Francisco. We have the blessing of her family. Although Julie and I have always gotten along well with my elderly mom, we have not yet told her that we are a couple because we are not sure she understands and accepts gay relationships. Our friends feel Mom deserves the benefit of the doubt and should be included in this important event in her daughter's life. If she can't adapt, so be it -- but at least she'd know. Besides, my friends say she'll find out anyway, sooner or later, and be hurt and angry to have been excluded. What should we do, Abby? -- BEWILDERED IN THE BAY AREA

Dear Bay Based Closet Case,

One of these things is not like the other, do you know why?>>>>>
I thought being bewildered in San Fran was a pre-requisite for admission! First a disclaimer, Cr-Abby has been such a strapping giant of a man, he doesn't have the experience necessary to advice the guys and gals who play for the other team. However Cr-Abby is a tolerant and worldly man, I mean some of my best Friends are...scratch that, no they aren't that's a lie.
That said, you wrote and I'll muster my experience in the other ball park and see what I can come up with.
So, you are the one afraid of Virginia Wolfe, frankly Elizabeth Taylor scares the crap out of me in character or out.
You have put off the issue for so long that now you have to serve up the double dose shock of betrayal and news worthy orientation. This double whammy is much more likely to engender the reaction that you fear. Your mother will need to deal with your deceit as well as your inclination as to how your bread is buttered...or will she?

She has been your mother for over 5 decades...Cr-Abby suspects that mom knows a tad more than you give the ole geezer credit for. However, she hasn't asked and you have told. So, I guess there is no avoiding this one. There is only one thing worse than asking her to your wedding,...NOT ASKING!!! Then she can justifiably claim three times the injury.

Cr-Abby Life Rule of Thumb...When it comes to Life's really Tough decisions it is best to cut with a clean knife. One stroke, One pain, One moment. Stop putting Anbesol on your toothache, go let Mommy pull out the tooth and get it over with.

I suspect Mom already knows you have a cavity that requires a different filling.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from not a Spendthrift in Baltimore

BIG SPENDER'S BIG MOUTH MAKES HER FRIEND CRINGE
DEAR CR-ABBY: Is it me, or do others agree that it's tacky to announce to anyone within earshot how much money someone has spent on an item? I have a friend who brags constantly about the amount she spends on clothing and other things. I also suspect that she inflates the actual figures most of the time. How would you respond to a statement such as, "This new shirt I bought cost me $200"? -- NOT A SPENDTHRIFT IN BALTIMORE

I bought these leggings at Nieman Marcus,...feel them, no a little higher>>>


Dear Misery Manners in Maryland,

Shhhhhhhh! We need these dolts to stimulate the economy. If you stop these ridiculous worship of expensive branded goods, our last healthy rail of the economy will fall in the crapper with all the other things already there. Leave her alone and let her bluster about her binges.

However, if the urge to engage becomes overwhleming you could always say...

Well I bought the same thing at Coscto for $120 less and hence I'll pick up the lunch tab!

Now that's one upping the Jone's with class.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Big Brother

CHILDREN SUFFER AS WITNESSES TO PARENTS' CONSTANT COMBATDEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old boy, and I have a 5-year-old sister. Our parents are together, but Dad's job was relocated to another state and he's gone most of the week. When he gets home, all he and Mom do is fight.The fighting puts a lot of stress on me. My sister asks me, "Why are Mommy and Daddy always fighting?" This makes me want to break into tears because I don't know what to tell her. Abby, please help me understand what to do in these situations. -- WORRIED BIG BROTHER

Dear Big Brother,

Usually Cr-Abby gives a smart Alec answer before a tad of advice comes through. Can't say I have the heart to stick to the strategy this morning. First know that there is nothing you can do as to your parents interaction and as I hope you know it has nothing to do with you or your sister.Separation and relocation are two of the four hardest things a marriage can endure. Your parents argue because they have passionate feelings on the subject of how best to manage the family.

As to what to tell your sister, I would say, two things....

1) Since dad is away so much maybe we can help mom not worry or stress so much by being helpful and good around the house.

2) Your parents are arguing over how best to provide for you and the family and to give everyone a good life...it is their caring that drives the passionate debate.

It's hard to listen to and sometimes things are said that neither one means...your parents will work this out in do time.Hang in there and if your parents are arguing during the daytime, just go in the backyard and play a game with your sister.

Good Luck,

Cr-Abby the soft-shelled crustacean

Dear Cr-Abby from Alone and Shy in California

SHY TEEN IS DETERMINED TO BE MORE POPULAR IN HIGH SCHOOL
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl who just entered the eighth grade. I have a few friends, but I often feel like I'm invisible. They never take the time to call me. I guess I could take the first step and call them, but I don't know what to say. I guess I'm a little shy.
I spent a long, miserable summer with no one to talk to. I want to change this before I start high school next year. I am noticing several cute guys in class. If I have so much trouble with my friendships with other girls, how am I ever going to get to know some of the guys I'm starting to like? How do I get them to notice me? I hate to think I'll just fade into the shadows. Can you help? -- ALONE AND SHY IN CALIFORNIA

Dear Alone in California?

Darlin' there are 38 million people in California, 50 million if you count the illegals. To re-coin a NY phrase "if you can't make it here, you can't make it anywhere".

Your letter was short, just like Cr-Abby likes them but even within your few words, I found your problem and hence your solution is a no-brainer.
To quote you "I noticed a few cute boys..." So, you aren't really on a seek out "friends" mission or at least you have added the "cute criteria" to your list. So, this is really more about you and your hormones and less about establishing "friendships".

So, there are 2 possible solutions;

1) The PALIN PUT OUT PLAN,...if you are intent on being popular with just the cute boys you could errr uhmmm accomodate them or at least you can be a hormone honey.
***Warning, your "popularity" will come in 15 minute intervals (3 minutes for most first timers) followed by hours of more loneliness.

***Note picture upper right....this gal thought being popular via plan #1 was a good idea, but now she is more popular than she ever wanted to be.

Cr-Abby recommends plan #2

2) REAL FRIENDS...remove the "cute criteria" from your friend search and you will suddenly discover that there are a ot more shy and lonely people at school in self-sentenced silences waiting to break out.
***warning, these folks are busting, just like you, to talk for hours on end about idle prattle like; clothes, boys, girls, idolic icons and other inane and moronic stuff that you kids think is important.

So, make your choice, open your legs or open your mind..

...Cr-abby highly recommends the later.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Seen Heard Too Much

ROADSIDE MEMORIALS ARE COMFORT TO SOME, DISTRACTION TO OTHERS
DEAR CR-ABBY: I was a little disappointed in your reply to "M.H. in L.A." (June 22) regarding roadside memorials. I know you feel they are a gesture of respect, but really, there's a time and place for everything. Memorials belong in cemeteries, not on our roadways.
My dear father was run over by a truck and killed. I would never dream of putting up a cross as a reminder of the place where he died. That was done at the cemetery the day we laid him to rest.
We need to celebrate life, not death. By creating roadside memorials we solidify the place of death, not the life the individual had. Also, the memorial becomes a constant reminder to first responders who must pass by that place every day. I have worked with a crisis response team in my county and was told by a 19-year-old firefighter who couldn't sleep that it was because of the body parts they had to pick up from the roadway. Why have visual reminders on the road to remind everyone of the worst day instead of the best days of the individual's life? -- SEEN AND HEARD TOO MUCH

Dear Talk Too Much,

J-H-C Cr-Abby's a bit hung over this morning and I have to start my bloody day with this whiny ass chit. Like I give a tinkers cuss what you think about my prior letters.

The fact that you would "never dream of xyz" is not a mandate for the masses. Assuming you are passing along a roadside memorial on a road at 50 miles per hour you have been visually inconvenienced for a total of 3 seconds tops...big deal, deal with it. Cr-Abby does not object to these roadside displays, what pisses me off are the roadside signs I see these days in and around Houston (see photo).

Obviously, you view these gestures as a reminder of your pain, I get it,..but maybe you don't...when people experience the pain of a loss like this,some feel compelled to do something/anything. The event of having someone close taken away in an accident and the inability to do anything creates a powerful emotion of nagging frustration. These roadside memorial gestures are the way some people deal with that frustration.

My advice, seek out some counseling to finish your grieving process!

Happy Motoring.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Heartbroken in Ohio

FALLING FOR MARRIED MAN MAKES FIRST LOVE PAINFUL
DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and had never been in love until recently. The only problem is, the man I fell for is married.
I knew "Craig" was married when I began talking to him at work. We have never "done" anything but talk, but sometimes that's all it takes. Craig was going through a separation, and we talked every day for hours at a time.
Now he doesn't want to talk at all. He says he needs time and doesn't want anyone to get hurt, but I am already hurt. I try to talk to him, but he doesn't respond. Craig is ignoring me now, and it's very painful. I have already fallen for him, and I am more than willing to wait, but each passing day it gets harder and harder.
Please advise me on what to do. Is love worth all the pain? -- HEARTBROKEN IN OHIO



Dear Cardiac Critical in Cleveland,

The bad news is you were used as a therapists without the payday, the good news is your only f'ing 20, there is long road ahead left for more mistakes to be made. I won't help you for me to say this, but it is still true in the coming weeks/months you will feel better,...the only thing prolonging your pain is pining for what has already past or what never was.

Craig used you, maybe unknowingly or without malice, but he used you as an emotion pin cushion and you thought your were in a relationship. Men are ego driven creatures and when their love life goes south there is a need to have another filly sniffing around the stable just to fed the oats.

I'll stop short of scolding you for walking into a married relationship and then protest the predictable result,...but it could have ended worst (i.e. Lorena Bobbit for him, Tony Budafoco for you) so in a sense you're lucky to have escaped with only an emotional flesh wound.

So, my advice,..go find a co-worker and cry on his shoulder for a few weeks, lead him on, and then, when you feel better, dump him. You know that ole crap runs down hill thing.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Bawling at the Airport

TRAVELING MAN IS BURDENED BY INTENSE LONGING FOR HOME
DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old married man. "Lana" and I have been married 10 years. We deal with the usual problems (our son, jobs, money) as a team. I feel blessed to have married my best friend.
My job requires traveling. While seeing new things and meeting new people interest me, when I'm away from Lana and our young son, I suffer from extreme separation anxiety.
Abby, it's not a trust issue. I trust Lana completely, and I know she is taking excellent care of our son. My problem is I miss them terribly. I cry every night that I'm away. When I call home, I break down. Lana understands this is how I am and doesn't judge me. She's always supportive.
Am I crazy? Is this normal? Other guys I know who travel appear to enjoy it. But if I look at a photo of Lana or our son while I'm away, I end up in tears. I don't want to be this way, but it has reached the point where I can't see myself traveling anymore for business. -- BAWLING AT THE AIRPORT

Dear Frequent Flying Cry Baby,

BE A MAN, BE A MAN!!!

Cr-Abby grabbed your letter first because he thought you said "Balling at the Airport" and while Cr-Abby has never joined the "Mile High Club" he likes to live vicariously through others. However, then I read your tale of woe and concluded you'd be the least likely man to bag a "flight attendant".

BTW; What up with "flight attendants" as soon as they changed the name the stewardess booty call came to a screeching halt. I don't call that progress. Have you seen the cows and poofters they have serving us drinks and tossing us peanuts these days?

However, I digress, back to you!

News Flash Bawl'er; Traveling ain't for wimps. It has become a real PITA even for us he-men. Between the cattle call ropes, the annoying announcements, the false sense of TSA security routines, the delays and the fat, smelling passengers to your left and/or right...I can understand you wanting to shed a tear or two.

That said, crying in your hotel room is not normal.

Here's a traveler tip...when lonely turn on the hotel telly and pay for the $18 "err uhmmm movie" and handle it!!!

Or, here's a brain stormer...get a gig that is based at home!

Now Git,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Texas Mommy

STAY-AT-HOME MOM QUESTIONS SETTING EXAMPLE FOR DAUGHTERS
DEAR CR-ABBY: I married my high school sweetheart at 18 and put off college to start the family that we always wanted. Nine years later, we have three beautiful daughters.
My husband has a great job with a good salary. I have never had to work, but now I feel totally dependent on him. I have expressed my feelings to him about wanting a career. He tells me I already have one -- taking care of the family. He says I need to be at home with them.
Abby, I feel like I should get out of the house and start a career of my own so my daughters don't think their place in the world is to be only a stay-at-home mommy. Don't get me wrong, I love being with and taking care of my girls. But am I doing long-term damage to them by being so dependent on their father for everything? -- TEXAS MOMMY

Dear Longhorn Lonely Loser,

First, quit your whining. Most homes have two income earners not due to a strong and misplaced self-worth barometeric measurement but due to necessity. Second, who says you have to have a career that requires you to trudge off to Mr. Slates rock pile to show your kids your worth. Your letter is short (which Cr-Abby appreciates most of the time) but you have danced around the core issue.

This "my daughters wont be able to strike out on their own unless mommy goose shows them the way" is a bogus assertion. My inclination is that it is your own yearning for something different. BTW, there is nothing wrong with that motivation unless it is driven by a hole in the marital relationship and not a drive for personal experiences.

There are legitimate ways to have a career from home...including snagging Dear Abby letters and writing better responses. You can do that in your pajama's just like I am right now. To be honest, my jammies are around my ankles right now as I'm sitting on the john (my Metamucil hasn't kicked in yet)...but you get the point.

To summarize, you and your family have enough dough to make the monthly nut but you are feeling unfulfilled.

Step one, determine the root cause; is it a yearn for the great outdoors or a nagging feeling n your heart that life on the ranch is missing something, or do you fear the pending empty nest thing.

Step two, think about what you would like to do, and how you can do that and still handle the daily kiddie send off and pick up. Your boredom or cure for low "self-worth" could be cured by art classes, yoga, a fling with the pool boy...your choice!!!

Third, quit the self-loathing,...don't you know there are couples huddle over the same rice paddy picking lice from the grains in order to feed the kid-lets.

Jeez,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from No Poilitics/Religion Please in California

September 12, 2000
Dear Cr-Abby: I have come to dread family gatherings. My extended family holds a different political perspective than I. It seems like at every occasion they sit around and expound on the good points of their candidate or elected official, while belittling the opposition and ridiculing his or her supporters. I have tried on several occasions to change the subject or tell them I don't wish to discuss politics, to no avail.
Recently at a family party, I sat down with some relatives I hadn't seen in a long time in an effort to reconnect. They soon began their political bashing. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, only to discover that while I was gone they had discussed my political leanings. When I attempted to go to another room, a relative asked whom I was voting for. I said my vote was a private matter -- and the statement prompted peals of laughter in the room.
I would really like to spend time with my family, but with the elections coming up, I feel the need to avoid them. Please assist me on how to handle this. -- No Politics (or Religion) Please, in California

Dear Please Mr. Please (dont play B17),

What are you talking about?
I live in California there is no evidence of competent politics or god-fearing religion out here in the land of fruits and nuts.

We have priests who love little boys a bit too much.

Muff's marrying Muffs and Puffs marrying Puffs.

We have an Austrian Governor who ran as a Republican and serves as a Democrat

We have a 20 billion dollar budget deficit

We have a mayor of the largest city (Bangladesh-East) who spends more time sitting in the make up chair and "pressing the flesh with the press" (if you get my meaning) than he does sitting in the mayoral chair.

Another major city in the North has decided that turning over illegal immigrants to the Feds, even when convicted of a felony, is just a bad idea and that ROTC is an evil program not to be abided on college campuses.

We are being annexed by Mexico

What's there to argue about?

Joking aside, I dont see the problem...53 days to go until the election...do you know how many families in California dont get together at all? You can hide from the kool-aid drinkers for 2 months can't you?

As for me, I'm voting for Teddy (Roosevelt not Kennedy) again!

He is running on the "Dead Bull Moose Ticket (shot by Palin)" and their campaign theme copies the doctors oath..."first, do no harm"...only a corpse can fulfill that promise!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Lydia in Ohio

DEAR CR-ABBY: Like "Chaz's Brother" (June 17), who is living in the shadow of his extremely popular younger brother, I, too, spent years feeling invisible, but finally looked for ways to differentiate myself from my "perfect" siblings. In the process of pursuing my own interests, I also found friends who liked me for who I was.
Now that I'm 32, I realize that I have something my sisters don't -- strong friendships with people I never took for granted. My sisters, meanwhile, were used to everyone adoring them and never bothered cultivating relationships the way I did. People eventually got sick of being taken for granted, and time has been the true test for their relationships with those who once flocked to them.
Neither of them has friends who would drop everything to help them in time of need, provide a shoulder to cry on or help with a major move. On the other hand, by being more than just pretty on the outside, I have gained friends who love me for who I am and reciprocate the loyalty I've shown them over the years. Now it's my sisters' turn to say, "I wish I were more like you."
-- LYDIA IN OHIO

Dear Lydia from Covet-ville, OH,

Me think thou doest protest too much.
What was the purpose of your letter to shout "SEE SIS, I'm important too"?

As you may guess Cr-Abby gets a ton of letters and I cant possibly answer them all. Hence, when I get a couple of letters with the same issue I try to kill two birds with one stone.

Here's another chap with sibling-envy...

Dear Cr-Abby,

I write to you today from my hut in Kenya. My brother is running for President of the United States. All of a sudden I am having my life exposed to the world. The problem is there isnt any money attached to this unsought popularity.

I don't mean to complain but even the fat bearded women in the circus gets paid!!!

What should I do?

George Hussein Onyango Obama

Anyway, the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution assert that all men are created equal and are endowed...yada-yada-yada.

Unfortunately Darwin often has the last laugh.

The combinations from the DNA lottery spews out recessive and dominant genes in varying proportions. This pate' of life endows, Genius, Curves, and other Gifts with a reckless randomness.

You can only control the amount of effort you put in to maximize the gifts and overcome the burdens the specific "life's-soup" placed at your table.

Quit looking or comparing you to your sister. For god's saKe Lassie, spend less time telling everyone how much better you feel now...it is a pathetic cry that outs you as still being slave to sister-envy.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Only His Wife in Wilmington

DEAR CR-ABBY: I love dogs, but they're ruining my marriage. "Ivan" and I have been together 12 years, married for five. Six years ago, he had to put his aged, sickly pointer, "Sergeant," to sleep.
Two years ago, I began suggesting that we get another dog. I felt Ivan had mourned Sergeant long enough, and it was time for another. We found a lovely King Charles spaniel that we named Lili. We spent a lot of fun time with her that spring and summer, then thought a playmate might be good company for her during the day while we were at work. We found Branford, another spaniel.
At night we'd put both dogs in the kitchen, tell them goodnight, put up a gate and go to bed. But Branford would cry. I told Ivan he'd stop eventually, but Ivan couldn't just leave him, so he began bringing the two dogs into our bedroom and allowing them to sleep at the foot of our bed. I have pleaded with Ivan to return them downstairs, but he won't consider it.
Guess where they're sleeping today? IN the bed. Guess where I'm sleeping? On the couch downstairs.
We haven't been out on a date since the dogs arrived. We don't go out with friends because we must be back by 10 p.m. -- the dogs' bedtime, and Ivan's, too, of course. He is oblivious to me from the time he goes to bed with the dogs. We haven't had sex in a year.
Everything is about the dogs. He even prepares their meals from scratch each day -- boiled chicken with rice, peas and carrots. He says: "I told you I get attached to dogs. You said you wanted them; this is what you have to deal with." I am at my breaking point. Help! -- ONLY HIS WIFE IN WILMINGTON

Dear Delaware in the Dog Pound,

It's a "dog-eat-dog" world out there and clearly these two muts are giving your hubby something he finds lacking in you. You can either accept to compete with Rover and Spot for attention or affection or become a cat person (independent) and shop elsewhere to get your belly rubbed.

I suggest "B"

Option "A" could work if you really want it to but Cr-Abby has an idea...for plan "C".

Give Hubby a taste of the dog that bit you...Go shopping for a rottweiler or similar intimidating beast. Make sure the dog is a female (you know those nasty types) and very protective of you.. Feed it all manner of food to make the breath over-the-top in it's stench and then have it lay between you and hubby (faced his way). Maybe he'll get the hint and I'll bet the two other wimps will cower when Queen Spike takes the lead.

On second thought, pack a bag and find a new couch!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Vacillating in Arizona

DEAR PADDY MC-CRABBY:

My parents recently took my kids for a "day with Grandma and Grandpa." My children are 5 and 3. When they returned home, they were driven by one of my siblings with Grandma in tow. My sibling stated that he was the "designated driver."
My husband and I are extremely upset that my parents chose to drink when they had our children in their care, and so extensively that they needed someone else to get the children home safely. We'd like to discuss this with them and ask them not to consume alcohol when our children are with them. However, we are hesitant because of the conflict this may cause, and are concerned that they will feel that we're attacking them.
How should we approach this -- or is it best not to express our concern?
-- VACILLATING IN ARIZONA


Dear Twitching in Tombstone,

I'll get to your situation in a minute but, I just got this other letter from an older couple in Tucson and thought I should share it with you...

Dear Cr-Abby,
We're retired and have worked hard to get to this point where we can enjoy our golden years. We love and enjoy our kids and our grandchildren but there is a problem. Apparently the kids confuse the term "retired" with being "available 24/7". One of my daughter-in-laws seems to think nothing about dropping off her kids anytime they have someplace to go. Unfortunately, unlike the other grand-kids these two are real terrors. They yell, fight, break things and it has driven us to drink...a lot!

I was thinkng about talking to my daughter-in-law but I don't want to cause any trouble.

Any advice?

Tipping Tequilla in Tucson

Hey Vacillating, is this lady any relation to you?

Okay, back to your problem...

You need to determine if this is an isolated event or a pattern of behavior. If it's just Granny getting with her bridge buddies once in a awhile and this time she over did the "high balls", then forget about it.

At least they had the sense to get a DD to handle the hand off.

If however you and your other siblings have witnessed or are aware of an unhealthy level of drinking you need to engage this for your parents well-being. Seek out appropriate support avenues and get with the family to share your concerns via an intervention. Also, obviously, your little ones need to be with you during visits with the Guzzling Geezers until the stammering, stumbling seniors get it back together.

However, your letter didn't include enough info or background for me to determine which scenario this is.

Since you didn't suggests this has happen a lot nor intimated about a larger drinking problem...my guess is this was a singular lapse in judgment that was appropriately mitigated by having a Designated Driver handle the transport.

Hence, they should be commended and you need to lighten up.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Out in the Cold in D.C.

LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP HAS TURNED DISTANT AND COOL
DEAR CR-ABBY: I have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend, "Elli," for two years. We haven't seen each other for almost six months, and now she has decided she wants time apart.
Our relationship was suffering during my last year of graduate school because I wasn't able to give Elli the time she deserved. Now I have graduated and have a job that gives me more time to dedicate to her.
She decided when I relocated that she would not move to the city with me. She says she wants to keep me in her life, but she "needs space" to find herself. We schedule chats on the phone and try to avoid discussing the status of our relationship, but we usually end up arguing and crying.
I suggested visiting her now that I can afford to, so we can talk through our differences in person, but Elli says it would be too much for her to bear. She says she loves me and that she's doing this for the good of both of us. I miss her terribly. I think about her constantly, but I don't want to smother her and have her resent me. Is there more going on here than meets the eye?
-- OUT IN THE COLD IN D.C

Dear Frosty the Potomac No Show-man,

News Flash; You aren't in a relationship; the Dear John letter was just stuck in the mail bin and took some time to be deilvered..

You can't leave a girl alone for 6 months and think anything good is going to happen. The adage about "absence making the heart grow fonder" has it's limits. Cr-Abby rule of thumb,...if you havent "sniffed the milk" (wink wink) in 2 weeks,...you can bet it has gone sour.

You have been focused on your priorities and those choices have consequences. Now that it is convenient for you to re-connect she has moved on (never mind how gently she says it,..Cinder-"Elli" has left the ball and did not leave a slipper for you to "track her down". It's done!

BTW, you are participating in a little self-deluding wishful thinking if you believe work will be less time consuming than school!

So, what you should really focus on for the next few weeks is giving a great deal of thought as to what level of a personal relationship you are willing/able to give anyone and shop accordingly.

There are a few go-getter gals who are as absorbed with their work as you will probably become (barring any life-altering epiphany on your part). Maybe you can find one of of those types where an email a day keeps other suitors away. My experience has been that these relationships don't create much glue and are really more alliances of convenience. If that is how you want your bread buttered go for it.

I'm not criticizing your life choices,...focused people get things done, they make the world go round, but that comes with a cost and here's your first bill come due (or overdue) for being part of the "I'm a significant mover and skaker club"!
AKA bigger rodents running along the rat race wheel of commerce.

You opted to pursue your professional goals over personal ones!
(make no mistake you made that choice)

Those around you "get it"; they even understand it, but they don't just wait for you to have a little time to spend with your second and third and twelfth priorities.

They opt to place personal relationships a little higher on the life food-chain and hence seek others who do so too.

If the work keeps you happy....who am I to suggest otherwise...it's your life but quit whining about the obvious consequences that those decisions create.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Pulling my Hair out in Huntsville

DEAR ABBY: I'm a stay-at-home mother with a 4-year-old son. Every summer, my stepson -- who is now 8 -- comes to stay with us. In past years it has been all right, but since the boys have become more rambunctious, it has gotten harder.
Abby, I don't deal well with stress. Having two active boys running around the house has made me extremely nervous. There's a reason I chose to have only one biological child -- I knew I couldn't handle more. I thought a few short summers with a stepchild would be OK. I was wrong.
I have spoken to my husband about my problem; he doesn't seem to understand the amount of strain I am under. I am starting my own business later this year, and my husband doesn't see why I can't bring both boys to my appointments next summer. The younger child would play quietly alone, but not with his half-brother there. What should I do? -- PULLING MY HAIR OUT IN HUNTSVILLE

Dear Bama the Balding Buzzard,

Let's deal with this cloke and dagger not-so-hidden agenda you are advancing here...

You want to body check your step-son out of the picture so that YOUR LIFE can return to it's grass-growing pace of no-surprises normalcy.

You married with the intent of having only one child but you had the fore-knowledge of the first sons existence. If you only wanted one and knew you couldn't handle two,..you could have/should have warmed-up to your step son and left the procreating to others. If you thought you could handle one part-time and one full-time kidlet and hence squeezed junior out on the leap of faith plan,.... then you have nothing to complain about.

However we are where we are so here's the deal. Boys will be boys and you simply need to find a nice room to hibernate in and let the boys be boys til Daddy gets home. You will learn the difference between a scream that means nothing and a scream of the more blood curdling nature that requires your attention.

Tough it up enough to handle those intermittent but required responsibiities and take up knitting in your sanctuary hide-away from 9 to 5 with a glass of Vino near by.

Now git-out of here,...I need to talk to people with real problems...you whiner

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Conflicted in California

DEAR CR-ABBY: I am a woman living with a man, but "in love" with another man whom I formerly dated but broke up with because he's an alcoholic.
"Spike" is a true biker -- exciting, funny and fun. Our lifestyles didn't mesh, so I made the decision we shouldn't be together. I miss him very much, and it keeps me from being totally committed in my head to the man I live with believe I have commitment problems. I am a psychiatric nurse with 30 years' experience, so I've heard it all and know what I should do, but the issue remains. My boyfriend, "Cal," is a hard-working man with little education who earns very little and cannot help support me. We met when I weighed 300 pounds and had low self-esteem. Still, Cal loved me as I was.
I am a post-gastric bypass patient. I now realize that our lives are very different, and I'm having a hard time accepting that we are meant to be married. I hate the thought of not doing the "right thing" by Cal. I have been faithful. When will I grow up and be able to make the right decision, Abby? -- CONFLICTED IN CALIFORNIA


Dear Harley Hogette,

Cr-Abby's problem here is where to start with this 1/3rd ton of crap you dumped here?

You claim to be a psychiatric nurse so I assume you are aware of the phrase "physician heal thyself"? Frankly, I dont think you should attempt self analysis on what is clearly multiple issues.

First; a recap from Cal's side...
You pine for the bad boy drunk and have a severe weight problem. Meantime Cal is a good man caught in the eddy of your downward spiral.

Step One; Release the man from his voyage aboard SS Conflicted you need some buoyancy right now and he certainly needs to trade up.

Step Two; Get some professional help with the health issue and the mental health issue concurrently

Step Three; Forget about any serious relationship with anyone until step one and step two are completed (including the solutions).

Your problem is not about Biker Dude,..it's your auto-escape mechanism. You feel a desperate need to think about anything but the BUTT at hand, the one just below the biker belt bucket and the one operating above your shoulders.

It appears you have attempted to seek some help before (i.e. the stomach bypass surgery). Usually there is a mental check up prior to accepting such patients...did you do that?

Anyway, fix YOUR mind and the body first...then pine away for Harley Side-seat Heaven.


Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Increasingly Germaphobic

September 5, 2008
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law, “Carol,” doesn't wash her hands after changing diapers. I find it repulsive, and I can't help but cringe. I have also noticed that her kids don't wash their hands after using the bathroom – or any other time, for that matter – unless instructed to do so and closely watched. Even then, they don't use soap.
Carol wonders why her family is always sick. If I say anything to her, I'm sure she'll become defensive or dismiss it as the cause of their illness. Is there a polite, yet firm, way to say something?
– Increasingly Germophobic,
Kenosha, Wis.


Dear Detective Cheddar Monk,

Normally I would take the time to have some fun with you life-phobic sterilize everything types, I enjoy watching you folks turn green when your Felix Unger Urge takes over. The germs that we interface with everyday cannot all be washed away. That said, Cr-Abby draws the line and sides with you in the battle to fend off E-Coli.

How's your brothers hygienic regimen? Perhaps a chat with Bro will create a cascading effect on the "great unwashed" within his family. You can try to subtlety and set a good example.

-or-

If you want to be a terrific sister-in-law...volunteer to change "Baby Hazardous Waste" yourself when visiting. Then when you finish the valiant deed you can very conspicuously wash your hands...you know like come back from the changing table and into the family room and then do the Oops, I forgot to wash my hands "fake mistake" thing.

You can also play Drill Sergeant Auntie when the little nephews and nieces visit you on their own.

As a last resort you have to engage and call out the poop passing peril at hand.

Good Luck,

Cr-Abby.

Dear Cr-Abby from Peacemaker in Colorado

DEAR CR-ABBY: My wife, “Kim,” and I have been married three years and have 14-month-old twin daughters. We have a beautiful life together with one exception – my father. He thinks he knows everything and isn't afraid to give his opinion. He also makes silly comments to the twins such as, “If your mommy doesn't treat you right, then you can come live with Grandpa.”
Kim is an excellent wife and mother. She takes my father's comments personally, even though I tell her he's just being goofy. She bristles every time my parents come over for a visit. When they do, she leaves the room. She rolls her eyes and has flat-out told me she can't stand my father.
What can we do? I love my father and am extremely close to both my parents. This has caused several fights between Kim and me. I say it's no big deal, but she really resents my father. What do you think?
– Peacemaker In Colorado


Dear Mile High Appeaser,

This is your home, your family, your wife and your father...YOU GET TO HANDLE THIS ONE. Do you want to be Neville Chamberlain or Winston Churchill? There is a better peace than is sometimes only found on the other side of a fight!

However, it appears you have never had the "talk" with Dad. There comes a time in life when sons cross over from being boys to men...Dad's have to take a shot across the jawbone (figuratively) when finally after years of nurture and nature the young lion roars at the old one and says "my time".

Your Dad will always have this "Cliff Claven (Cheers Postal Worker) thing but you can set the limits to his pontificating while in your home or in the company of your family.

Take him out for a beer and look him straight in the eye and say...Dad, I love you but you are a real pain in the ass and you are making me and my family uncomfortable (dont say "making my wife uncomportable") YOU own it too!!!
Continue and say "Dad, here's the deal when you are around my family here are some examples of things that are "off limits"...list the top three things you can think of that are the most over-the-top.

Dad can you change this behavior?

Wait for it (dont say a word),....the next person who talks "owns the problem", make sure he is the next to talk.

His first reaction will probably be to minimize, downplay or shift the issue to you or your wife. Don't let that happen...when he does;...calmly and resolutely say "Dad, I'll ask you again, this behavior makes me and my wife uncomfortable and we need you to change it...can you?

If he refuses, then put him on ice for a while (couple of months should do). When he calls to invite himself or invite you back over...remind him of your chat and politely say...your altering of your behavior is your ticket of admission to my home and access to the family. Can you do that?

Rinse Lather Repeat until desired impact is achieved.

Good Luck,

Cr-Abby.