HUSBAND CONSUMED BY REGRET AFTER DEATH OF BELOVED WIFE
DEAR CR-ABBY: I recently lost my wife to a long illness. When she could no longer work, I tried to give her the best quality of life I could. It took a toll. I worked long hours to give her everything she needed. The medical bills were astronomical. All she ever wanted was me.
I was always the macho type, and "I love you" was always hard for me to say. (I'm a real tough guy.) Well, this tough guy would give anything for one more chance to say it.
She died so suddenly, it was like it wasn't real. For the first couple of weeks I threw myself into work and thought I could handle it. When the death certificate arrived in the mail, that's when I fell apart.
I feel guilty because I was gone so much. I miss her terribly. Sometimes the loneliness is so bad it feels like someone is standing on my chest.
Cr-Abby, I would like to remind all the other macho guys out there that TIME is something you only get so much of. It is precious, but unfortunately, limited. I realized, too late, that it's not enough that my wife "knew" I loved her. I should have told her more often. I know now that "I wish I would have," "I know I should have," and "If I had just one more chance" are the worst things in the world to hear yourself say when it is already too late.
PLEASE tell your spouse you love her or him. You never know if the last time you say it might be the last time you get the chance. -- TOO LATE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR CR-ABBY: I recently lost my wife to a long illness. When she could no longer work, I tried to give her the best quality of life I could. It took a toll. I worked long hours to give her everything she needed. The medical bills were astronomical. All she ever wanted was me.
I was always the macho type, and "I love you" was always hard for me to say. (I'm a real tough guy.) Well, this tough guy would give anything for one more chance to say it.
She died so suddenly, it was like it wasn't real. For the first couple of weeks I threw myself into work and thought I could handle it. When the death certificate arrived in the mail, that's when I fell apart.
I feel guilty because I was gone so much. I miss her terribly. Sometimes the loneliness is so bad it feels like someone is standing on my chest.
Cr-Abby, I would like to remind all the other macho guys out there that TIME is something you only get so much of. It is precious, but unfortunately, limited. I realized, too late, that it's not enough that my wife "knew" I loved her. I should have told her more often. I know now that "I wish I would have," "I know I should have," and "If I had just one more chance" are the worst things in the world to hear yourself say when it is already too late.
PLEASE tell your spouse you love her or him. You never know if the last time you say it might be the last time you get the chance. -- TOO LATE IN TENNESSEE
Dear Not in Time Near Nashville,
You hit Cr-Abby right in his Soft Shell. One of the reasons I'm so Cr-Abby is that for many years "throwing myself into work" was the band-aid strategy I employed to avoid, mask or otherwise deal with matters of more importance on the home front. I rationalized the behavior as "providing for the family"..you know that "he-man BS as you refer to above.
Women have a higher emotional I-Q than men....although it clutters their brains with all manner of other non-sense it does give them better intuition. Rest assured your wife knew that you loved her dearly and saw right through your workaholic he-man exterior. You did many things it appears to make her last days more comfortable and that is a very strong sign of love.
I understand the regret you feel, but try to snap out of it and now look for a different way to "fill the dash". The "dash" is that mark on your tombstone between your born and death dates.
A good man who cared and provided for his wife, but didn't always express it...sounds to me like your wife was a lucky women (health crisis not withstanding).
Chin Up,
Cr-Abby
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