Dear Cr-Abby from Deceived in Arizona

COUPLE THROWS A WEDDING, BUT NEGLECTS TO GET MARRIED
DEAR CR-ABBY: My husband and I just found out that his daughter and her boyfriend duped everyone -- including us -- with a formal, traditional wedding ceremony, but the "marriage" is not legal. They had no intention of being legally wed, but felt that because they are having a baby, they were entitled to a formal wedding.
We paid a large amount of money to attend this wedding, Cr-Abby, including gifts and a bridal shower. When confronted, they showed no remorse for their deception. In fact, they are extremely arrogant about it. They say it's their personal business and consider themselves "married in the eyes of God."
I am furious over this scam, which affects more than 100 family members and friends. Please advise. -- DECEIVED IN ARIZONA

Dear Duped in the Desert.
I'm not sure I understand your outrage. You (as parents of the faux-bride) attended a ceremony, enjoyed a reception and paid for same. Ms. Manners would back me up that traditionally that ticket is on you. What is lacking (apparently) is the State sanctioning of the rite.

They have opted not to get their relationship duly recognized by Janet Napoliano and company...so what's the big deal.
Okay, I get it, you feel that there was deception in play and want some pay back...

Okay, here's what you do,...
This Christmas,...address a holiday card to Mr. and Mrs "X" and stuff this Christmas card with monopoly money and when they open their card simply say..."hey, when you two get properly hitched, we start giving you currency duly sanctioned by Uncle Sam".

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Lacking Closure in San Jose

COUPLE'S HAPPINESS GRATES ON MAN WHO FELT BETRAYED
DEAR CR-ABBY: My first serious relationship lasted a year and ended more than eight years ago. "Stacy" was terrific, but we were very different, and our relationship came to an amicable end.
Several months later, I heard that Stacy had begun dating a close friend of mine, "Alex," soon after our breakup. Needless to say, I was devastated. Alex's betrayal was as painful or more so than that of Stacy. I broke off all contact with them in an attempt to salvage my dignity. I haven't spoken to either one since.
All these years later, I am happily married to a wonderful woman. I hear through the grapevine occasionally that Stacy and Alex are still together. Whenever I do, I feel unaccountably upset. It's not that I'm pining for an old flame, because I wouldn't trade my wife for any woman on Earth. I have thought a lot about it and believe I am clinging to the naive belief -- or hope -- that people who do unkind, deceitful things always come to regret it in the end.
I am grappling with the guilt of wishing unhappiness for two people who are obviously happy together. I can't help it, but I know I'd be glad if I learned they'd broken up. I am confused and embarrassed about why I even still care. Your thoughts, please?
-- LACKING CLOSURE IN SAN JOSE

Dear Don''t Know the Way to Closure in San Jose,..
...I say a lttle prayer for you....
Forever and ever you can languish over the past...tra la la

First, you have carried this grudge too long (which you have admitted here in your note to ole Crabby) but you lost me even earlier in your story...
Where was the betrayal? You don't know that your two ships passed in the same night, you have made this assumption. So, I don't get the basis of your hurt feelings to begin with, to say nothing of this harboring of ill will for so long.

You have moved on in another relationship (happily married to a wonderful woman). If there is any betrayal going on it is you betraying your wife by keeping these feelings and wasting precious energy on feelings for another when you should devote that time and attention to the matter at hand...YOUR CURRENT MARRIAGE.

As Cher told Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck....SNAP OUTTA OF IT!!!

Of course, that movie ended differently than it should for you.

Stay the course!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Happily Married in Corpus Christi

CO-WORKERS TRY TO BURST BUBBLE OF WOMAN'S HAPPY MARRIAGE
DEAR CR-ABBY: I have been married for 15 years to the sweetest man in the world. We love each other, we like each other, and I feel truly fortunate.
I was recently involved in a conversation with some co-workers who were discussing marriage, and they asked me what I would do if my husband left me. I told them I trust my husband completely, and I know he would never leave me.
I was then informed that I am living in a fairy tale! The rest of the conversation was spent trying to convince me that my husband will eventually leave me, even though none of these people has ever met him. He has never cheated on me. I tried to explain that there are still some decent men in the world, but they refused to accept it.
Cr-Abby, I prefer not to live my life looking for negative things because I believe it taints relationships. I believe that if I continue to view my marriage as blessed and wonderful, it will be. Why can't people allow others to be happy? What prevents these people from seeing good instead of bad and, more important, why can't they see that there are couples in good marriages who are committed to making them work?

-- HAPPILY MARRIED IN CORPUS CHRISTI

Dear Delightfully Deluded near Dallas,

This co-worker was clearly trying to plant some mistletoe atop the company copier with you and you should pay him no heed. That said, I think you should not allow such a conversations to go on very long without a shrap rebuke. Make it clear where you stand.

Most people don't go "looking for affairs" it is the unfortunate alignment of the temporary ebbs and flows of a marriage intersecting with a flirty conversation coinciding with a power failure at work. Add a less-than-morally grounded suitor in the mix and "poof", bliss begats betrayal. The imps and gnomes are always at work and unless you are vigilant those forces can lead a value-centric person to cross that line.

Be vigilant not to drift to close to the flame dear moth, your wings will get singed and your ability to fly happily along will be forever injured.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Blown Off in South Carolina

PROMISING CONVERSATIONS TURN TO EMPTY WORDS IN DATING GAME
DEAR CR-ABBY: I consider myself to be a nice, normal person. I know how to make interesting, intelligent conversation that can engage just about anyone. When I go out socially, I often meet people and we hit it off.
Typically, by the end of the conversation, there comes a point where it is decided -- usually by the other person -- that we exchange information, which includes phone numbers and e-mail addresses. I generally wait a few days before calling, or until an occasion arises to invite the person to participate with me.
When I call or e-mail, I always leave a message, but I almost never get a response back. Sometimes I wait to see if the person I just met calls me first, but it never happens.
Do people just pretend to be interested in me, or am I fooling myself? Or are they just too busy to make the effort to have another friend? I don't understand it. Am I missing something?
-- BLOWN OFF IN SOUTH CAROLINA

Dear Me Thinks Thou Doest Protest Too Much in Charleston,

"I'm witty, engaging, nice, and a social dynamo"...Well aren't you the cat's meow?...but then you get blown off.

You are confused as to where the disconnect is...one question!

Do you have a nice rack?

Thought not, buy one!!!

All we be solved and you will be beating off those Good Ole Boys with your hickory stick!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Wife in Dayton Ohio

HUSBAND PLANS INFIDELITY IF WIFE IS INCAPACITATED
DEAR Cr-ABBY: I need some serious advice. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis a year ago. My condition is stable. I have taken the necessary precautions such as dietary changes, exercise and prescription medications.
My husband and I have been married eight years. This is my second marriage and his third. My husband is a very stubborn man. Once he makes a decision he stands by it until death.
He has recently announced that should I become incapacitated and unable to perform my "wifely duties," he is going to find a "sex buddy." What should I do about this announcement? -- WIFE IN DAYTON, OHIO

Dear Hubby Planning to "Date-on" in Ohio,

This 3x loser is telling his wife (who is ill) his plans for "life after" is about as low as my "human being worth" scale can measure. My first instinct was to put you in touch with a lady named "Lorena Bobbit" for some ginzu knife lessons.
Your husband could have used discretion IF there was not a work around. Frankly most guys have multiple ways we can purge the demons and your role could be customized to "git-r-done".

That said, his demeanor and lack of sensitivity warrants a different course...we all get old, we all will need help at sometime as our bodies lose the fight with mother nature and father time. He doesn't appear to be the hand holding type and that probably means he'll be the worst cry baby when it is his turn in the time marches on parade.

Dump Him, do it today!!!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Heartbroken in Milwaukee

OVERWORKED MOM GETS ATTITUDE INSTEAD OF HELP FROM DAUGHTERS
DEAR CR-ABBY:
I spent last Thanksgiving weekend with tears streaming down my face. Both my adult daughters spent the holiday with us.
I served dinner to more than 20 people and got no help cleaning up until Friday morning when I had a meltdown and demanded some.
Then my older daughter said, "Sorry," in a sarcastic tone, and my younger daughter responded with, "Anybody mind if I take a shower now?" (My husband works third shift and helps me as much as he can.)
I spent all that day loading and unloading the dishwasher, and putting things back where they belong. My daughters spent the day shopping, visiting friends and watching TV.
I have spent my life trying to make holidays special for my daughters so they would have happy childhood memories. All my hard work seems to have backfired. Instead of wanting to participate in making these memories happen, they have developed a sense of entitlement -- as if I am obligated to do everything. My daughters revert to being children the minute they cross the threshold, expecting me to be their mommy, cook and maid who attends to their every need. I have spoken to them about this repeatedly. They always promise to do better, but never do until I cry.
Please print this. I know I'm not the only mother who suffers this way. Maybe your response can save us all.
-- HEARTBROKEN IN MILWAUKEE

Dear Aorta On the Fritz in Cheeseville,

Your obligation to "serve up" memories is over and clearly your daughters find a way to eat the other 364 days of the year. So I think it is time for you to start a new tradition...

Turkey in Tahiti

Save up and next year you and your hard working hubby should go on a vacation...send out holiday cards that say "Kitchen Closed for Holidays" Merry Christmas!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Nicely Negative in Burlington NJ

LEARNING TO TURN DOWN DATES IS A CRITICAL LESSON FOR GIRLS
DEAR CR-ABBY:
I would like to encourage all parents of daughters to teach their girls how to say "no" clearly and with grace.
My teenage son asked a girl to the homecoming dance recently. She said, "Oh, I'll have to think about it. I don't know whether I want to go or not." She may have thought she was sparing my son's feelings, but it left him in limbo. He figures she doesn't want to go, which is OK, but he can't ask anyone else because she hasn't said yes or no.
My son's question should have been answered with, "Yes," or "No, thank you," or "I'll have to check. I'll let you know by Monday."
Cr-Abby, learning to say no is an important skill all women should have throughout their lives. It's imperative to know that if we mean "no" we shouldn't say "maybe." Likewise, hearing a "no" is something young men need to learn how to deal with as well.
Being able to say no to a boy who asks for a date may seem small, but it may make saying no later to something major that much easier.

-- NICELY NEGATIVE IN BURLINGTON, N.J.

Dear Strung Along in Jersey,
Too bad your former Governor didn't get turned down by his wife. She wouldnt have had to find out the VERY HARD way that her hubby was GAY.
http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/m/james_e_mcgreevey/index.html?inline=nyt-per

Anyway back to women who string us along and then dash out our hopes after a long ride on the Hope Express to nowhere...been there done that!

I agree with your plea but it sounds too needy to me and women sense and abhor weakness.

You don't really hold sway over other people's daughters but you can train and prep your sin. Tell him to use the old "if I..."x" will you..."y" close". Where "x" is something tangible of interest to the lady and "y" is what your son wants. Then tell him to say,..this offer expires at midnight.

Repeat process until a date is secured...in my experience it is a 3 day average.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Living with a Ghost in Kansas

WIFE RELUCTANT TO LET GO OF DEAD HUSBAND'S FAMILY
DEAR CR-ABBY: When my wife, "Kiki," and I married three years ago, I had been divorced for 11 years, and she had been widowed for eight.
The problem we're having is she continues to want to spend the holidays with her deceased husband's family. They are nice people, but I don't feel comfortable with it. Kiki and I have talked about starting our own traditions, but she insists that she doesn't want to cut those ties. Sometimes I feel like I am living with a ghost.
I have spoken to other members of her family. They have agreed that she needs to cut those ties, but my wife is stubborn about changing her holiday routine. Your thoughts on this, please?
-- LIVING WITH A GHOST IN KANSAS

Dear Up Against Stiff Competition Near Cofeyville,

This one is easy,...at these extended wake holiday get together's start flirting with the dead hubby's sister, cousin or whichever kin turned out to be the family hottie.
Your wife will soon learn to loathe these saance's and you can then ween her of the stiffs. Invite them over to your place for the various holidays and it will wane in a natural and expeditious manner.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Billy in Galveston

DEAR CR-ABBY: I don't want to make my friend "Ryan" mad, but he does something that makes me feel weird. When we go to the mall to hang out, he always wants to go to the big stores. You know those dummies on display wearing clothes? Well, Ryan likes to feel them up! He thinks it's cool to go up to a female dummy and feel her breasts.
When he does it, he giggles. People stare and I have to leave. I told Ryan I don't like it. He says, "Whatever ..."
Ryan is my best friend. Is what he does natural for a 13-year-old? I like looking at real girls on the beach. He says that's boring, and he'd rather feel up the store dummies. What's up with that? What should I do? -- BILLY IN GALVESTON

Dear Willy Under Control in East Texas,

There is no such thing as "Normal" when it comes to 13 years old boys and hormones. We all deal with our coming out party differently and clearly you gauk and he gooses.
So, I have no advice other than to get him a girlfriend.

For Christmas buy him an old video of the movie "Mannequin". Show him on the box the rating and explain it was not a documentary and that in real life women can turn to stone but the reverse is not true of store dummys.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Not That Kind of Girl

CHILDHOOD FRIEND HAS GROWN TOO ADULT FOR HER ROOMMATE

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I moved to a small town a few years ago to take a job in a very public position. This is a place where everyone knows everyone else's business, so I try hard to maintain a good reputation.
About a year ago, a childhood friend, "Lindsay," came to visit. She loved the town so much she decided to move here and be my roommate.
At first I was excited at the prospect, but my enthusiasm has waned since finding out that Lindsay is very promiscuous. Since January she has had sex with seven men, sometimes dating more than one at a time.
I worry about her because this behavior is unhealthy. I also worry that associating with her could damage my reputation, not to mention my uneasiness about waking up and finding strange men in my apartment -- some of whom she met only the night before. I think she is compromising both of our safety.
How can I handle this tactfully? Lindsay is an adult; I don't feel I can tell her how to live her personal life. Should I ask her to move out? Aside from this problem, she is an excellent roommate.
-- NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL

Dear Ain't Getting None,

Envy is one of the seven deadly sins which is seen as equal to fornication. Hence you and your roommate are even. She gets around and you get a frown.
See if her friend(s) have any friend(s) and you'll be able to work this out.

Cr-Abby

Dear Crabby from Short and Trendy in West Texas

COUPLE ARGUES THE LONG AND SHORT OF WIFE'S HAIR
DEAR CR-ABBY: How do I make my husband understand that how I cut my hair has nothing to do with him? I am 30 years old, and I have a full-time job and three kids who are involved in everything. Because I am always on the go, I need a hairdo that is easy to manage and cute, so I ended up getting my hair cut short. I love it. It makes me feel younger, cuter and trendy.
When my husband and I started dating, I used to have long, thick hair -- but I was not aware that keeping my hair long was "part of the deal." He feels I cut my hair purposely to go against what he wants. That sounds selfish to me. Isn't it MY hair?
-- SHORT AND TRENDY IN WEST TEXAS

Dear Tangle-Free and Tart in Texas,

If you courted your hubby as a long-haired siren and then morphed in to a crop cut shrew and he was paying the bills he holds sway over your cranium but, not if you are paying your way (job and kids).
Frankly, a little less hair can be helpful as I on occasion get lost in those brier patches when search for Miss Happy...but I digress.

Tell hubby that the world is filled with short haired hotties...Halle Berry for example. If he gets too uppity, go for th cue ball look. IN a younger day I remember that working pretty well for me as "fantasy fodder" (see below).

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Caught Lying in Colorado

TEEN CAUGHT IN A LIE

FEELS TRAPPED BY PARENTS' DISTRUST
DEAR CR-ABBY: I have a huge problem. I am a 16-year-old girl, and last week I lied to my best friend's parents so we could go to a movie. Her parents found out and told my parents, who got very angry and have me grounded for a minimum of a month -- depending on my "attitude."
I never used to lie as often as I do now. In the first week of being grounded, I lied again and got caught. Now they don't trust me at all, and I can't even leave my school campus to go to lunch or answer phone calls or anything!
How do I get my mom and dad to trust me again when I'm grounded? If I'm not given any freedom, then how can I prove I'm responsible? I am at the end of my rope here. Please help.
-- CAUGHT LYING IN COLORADO

Dear Prone near Pueblo,

Cr-Abby is feeling under the weather today (code for too much scotch) and asked me to handle today's column. He is helping me transition from my old job to a new one and I appreciate this opportunity to advise you.

You are crossing over into an important part of life from adolescent to young adult. Getting people to trust you is an important life changing skill. How well you accomplish this "trust perception acumen" determines how much money you'll make.

My advice, listen to your parents and see how they lie to each other. Notice the techniques and the skill. The only difference between you and them is; they are better at it than you.

Improve you skills young padawon learner, you'll do fine.

Good Luck,

George W.

Dear Cr-Abby from Loved in Pennsylvania

BRIDE-TO-BE SECOND-GUESSES COUPLE'S 30-YEAR AGE GAP
DEAR CR-ABBY: I am 24 years old and engaged to a man who is 54. I love him with all my heart, but I haven't told my father yet.
My fiance takes very good care of me, and we have a lot in common. We get along great. We have been together for three years and have had only one big fight. We can talk about everything. Do you think dating someone twice your age is OK?

-- LOVED IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Adored in Allentown,

Cr-Abby being a horny ole toad has nothing but envy for your 2 score and XIV year old boyfriend. I think I'm going to have to find me one of those May/November gigs myself. That said, Crabby has just two quick questions...

What sort of mature man allows 3 years to pass before "meeting the parents"?

How's does this sound for your 15th wedding anniversay with you 40 him 70...I think there's a pool boy in your future?

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from On the Spot in Seattle

SHAMELESS 'FRIEND' LOBBIES FOR LOAN THAT WASN'T OFFERED
DEAR CR-ABBY: My friend "Tracy" has been hinting that she needs to borrow money. I don't loan money to people unless it's an emergency, and frankly, I know if I lend her any, she won't pay me back.
Last week she took her family on vacation and to her uncle's funeral. When they got back, she went on and on about all the fun they had and mentioned that she had spent almost $1,000. She then followed it up with, "So, next month I may need to borrow money from you. Does your offer still stand?"
Cr-Abby, I never offered to loan her money! I quickly changed the subject because I didn't want to say anything I might regret later. How do I tell her I don't want to loan her money without losing a friendship or hurting her feelings? -- ON THE SPOT IN SEATTLE

Dear Rainy Days and Mondays,

Refer her to GWB who seems to be in a very generous mode in these last days of his Presidency...

Bail Outs for Everyone!!!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Phone Call Fielder in PA

WOMAN GIVING MEN FAKE PHONE NUMBER IS NO LADY
DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am a licensed psychologist and the director of a small counseling center at a liberal arts college. Part of my duties include answering emergency calls from students who are in crisis.
A local coed apparently has been regularly giving out my cell phone number to young men she meets in bars whom she does not want to reject on the spot.
Cr-Abby, you wouldnt believe the calls and text messages I receive at all hours of the day and night. I hear a lot in my line of work, yet some of these calls have made me blush!
Not only is this an inconvenience for me, but it would create a difficult situation for someone in a real crisis who can't get through to me because my phone is tied up with these phone calls and text messages.
Ladies, young and old alike: Please be honest. If you are not interested in the man -- say so! You don't have to annihilate him. Just say that you enjoyed meeting him but the "spark" isn't there, and wish him luck in his dating future. Please do not give him someone else's number. That's a coward's way out, and it is extremely unbecoming. And, at the very least, you are creating an inconvenience for someone else. I know.
-- PHONE CALL FIELDER IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Phone Fodder Frantic in Philly,

The ole fake phone number turn down...where last nights' dream turns into tomorrows' humilation, not cool indeed! That said, I just got another letter from someone I think you know....

Dear Cr-Abby, my old geezer of a pysc-professor keeps hitting on me. He said I could have an "A" if he could get a "B". I mean, you know, he's like 80 years older than me...gross! So you know what I do,..I give all the loser guys that come on to me at bars his cell phone number that he gave me to arrange "home tutoring":
Was I wrong?
Groped and Gagging near Gettysburg

So, anyway, back to you....I think these lads that just got dished need a little therapy anyway...rejection is a cruel blow to the male ego....turn those calls in to dollars and sign them up for some couch time so they can learn how to earn some bedtime.

Turn that wanna begirlfriend of a student into your field sales force, prospecting the town for patients.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Grateful Reader in NY

KNOWING A FEW SIMPLE TRICKS EASES A LETTER-WRITER'S CHORE

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I read about your booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions" a few years ago, and I want to let you know how much it helped me recently in writing to my aunt.
You see, my aunt's beloved cat, "Mouser," passed away. Although I didn't know Mouser very well, I did know how much her cat meant to her.
Knowing how much she was hurting, I felt I had to say something -- but what? Then I remembered that your booklet had a section on how to write a condolence letter.
You said: "When writing a condolence letter ... if you come up with a specific memory that you have cherished, relate it. Believe it or not, a humorous incident will be appreciated."
So I sent my aunt a funny incident I remembered about Mouser. She wrote me back a month later thanking me for "moving her thoughts from a very sad place and making her smile." She said my story made her remember other antics she hadn't thought of in a long time.
I know I'm not the only person who has trouble putting feelings down on paper. Please mention your booklet again so your readers will know this invaluable resource is available.

-- GRATEFUL READER IN N.Y.

Dear Seeking Guidance in Greiving El Gato,

I have to thank you for this letter. I've been spending time worrying about out economy, deficit, the wars and our debt and you remind me of the important things in life...Aunties Condolences for Kitty Kicking the Bucket.

Glad Dear Abby helped you with this one,...I would not have been much help. My advice would have been a tad more abrasive...Wow Aunt Helen, now there are only 4,345, 675, 211 Cats left in New York.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Daddy's Little Taurus

SISTERS GROW FROM BITTER RIVALS INTO BEST FRIENDS
DEAR CR-ABBY:
"Hurt in Sacramento" (Aug. 27) wrote that her sister told her that the only reason she existed was because her dad had been trying for a boy after having three girls. Tell her to trust me -- this is a rite of passage.
I am the youngest of three girls. I was told by my middle sister that I was born a boy, and the doctor gave me a shot to make me a girl.
This sister and I fought like cats and dogs when we were young. Finally, when I was 15 and she was 18, we shared a summer together. From that time on we have been the best of friends and would die for each other. I may have endured years of teasing that my parents didn't want me, but the relationship we have now is one I would never trade.
All I needed to know was that my dad loved me no matter what, and growing up I was always attached to my dad's hip -- which may be why my sister needed to put me down. To this day I know I am Dad's favorite, even though he would never say so. Please tell "Hurt" not to listen to her older sister. She should listen instead to her heart. -- DADDY'S LITTLE TAURUS

Dear Swallowed Daddy's Bull***t,

Sister's fighting for Daddy's affection is the cause for more blood battles than Middle Eastern Oil. I can't believe God left out of Genesis and didn't tell the story about Jane and Judy (Cain and Abel's sisters). Cain only killed Abel....Jane stomp Judy in the ground with a rock and then pissed on her grave. Apparently Adam gave Judy a larger piece of the apple he cut in half.

You gals fight harder, longer and dirtier than us wimpy men. Frankly you all scare the piss out of me. Glad detant' prevailed for now, but if Dad gives you a bigger present (real or perceived) than sis, it's GAME (back) ON!
BTW; Maybe mom step out on Dad and you aren't Daddy's little Taurus, your Mom's little Gemini.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Overwhlemed in Cincy

MOM'S DESCENT INTO ALZHEIMER'S CONSUMES HER DAUGHTER'S LIFE
DEAR CR-ABBY:
My beautiful, loving mother is now in the middle stages of Alzheimer's disease. This cruel disease has robbed her of her memories as well as the ability to reason and function.
She held my hand through every trial and triumph in my life, and I want to support her the way she has always supported me. But caring for Mama is becoming more and more difficult as she drifts further and further away. Not only am I caring for my mother, I also have a career and three children.
I have so little time to myself. From the financial considerations to the behavioral challenges to safety concerns, I can't keep my head above water. Please tell me what to do. -- OVERWHELMED IN CINCINNATI

Dear Over the Rainbow in Bengaltown,

Your mom wiped your ass for 2 years and now it's your turn. (okay got the smart ass poke out of the way) let's get to work...

This has to be the cruelest ailment of mother natures arsenal and no one who hasn't been touched by it's forces can relate. Cr-Abby has been touched by this (although thankfully not yet personally, some might argue that assertion).
First, stop and think about your mother in all of those supporting moments and memories you have before this disease took root.

You must know your mother more than anyone else would not want you overwhelmed by anything, much less anything concerning her. You must decide where your limits are and avail yourself of the support necessary...it is not selfish to do so...YOU ARE SIMPLY DOING WHAT YOUR MOTHER WOULD HAVE WANTED YOU TO DO HAD SHE THE OPPORTUNITY TO RELATE THOSE THOUGHTS BEFORE SHE LOST HER LUCIDITY.

So, follow what your mother's wishes were and are and do what you can but don't create two tragedies out of one. Protect yourself as your mother would if she could. She gave you those skills to protect yourself now use them.

Here is a link I am sure you have already visited,...but now go back there with the mindset of what you can do for you, so that you can do for her. http://www.alz.org/index.asp

Best Wishes,

Cr-Abby on the Soft Shell

Dear Cr-Abby from Despondent in Virginia

MAN FINDS NEITHER TIME NOR MONEY FOR LOVE CHILD
DEAR CR-ABBY:

My beautiful 9-month-old daughter, "Lyric," is the result of an affair. Her father, "James," has never seen her, except in photographs. His family has no idea she exists. When I send pictures, he promises to visit "soon" -- but I'm not supposed to ask when because he "just doesn't know right now."
I feel it's my fault Lyric is growing up without a father. My parents dote on her, and they are furious that James promised to make sure we were taken care of but hasn't followed through "for financial reasons."
I have never taken him to court for child support (James does send a little) because I'm afraid if I do, he'll never come to see Lyric. I worry about her future because my dad was estranged from us when we were little, and his absence influenced some of the worst choices I have made in my life.
Why would James promise to visit but never make the effort? Why continue the charade? I'm afraid my daughter will blame me for not having a dad when she's older.
I have considered taking her to see James unexpectedly (he and his wife are currently separated) so I can tell her I did everything in my power to get him involved. My parents say I should be happy I don't have to share her, and not to take her because he has broken so many promises to me.
I have been upset about this ever since Lyric was born, and my depression seems to be getting worse. The guilt and regret are eating me alive. Please help.

-- DESPONDENT IN VIRGINIA

Dear Rejected Near Richmond,

You live in "VIRGIN-IA? not gonna say it

Sounds like you were the cross-over girl to his next life and not part of the sequel. Yes, you are better off without him in your life (or your daughters). However, dont let him off the hook,
Yes you made a mistake but so did he...his lack of contact will be his loss not yours nor hers. He does have a responsibility to "pony Up" some dough even if he is not inclined to be involved.
Stop worrying about how he'll react, his choices to date after 9 months is abundantly clear. I think you are trying to manage this so that he'll come to his senses...that is a weak-willed play and not in anyone's interest.
Begin with the position that he will never come back,...then ask yourself what are the primary needs to properly raise your daughter as a single parent? The rest will flow with mouch more clarity.
Don't underestimate the value of your parents involvement that is a blessing, but it is time for you to assert yourself as mom and dad.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Non-Driver in Mass.

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I am 19, female, smart, responsible and friendly. I also have a terrible fear of driving. I have read driving manuals, but I'm scared to be in control of a big vehicle with so many other vehicles on the road.
I always found an excuse not to sign up for driver's ed in high school, and have refused countless offers from friends and family to teach me. My response was always, "No, I'm not ready."
All my younger relatives have driver's licenses, and I do feel I am missing out on things. How do I overcome this fear? Do I just say yes to my friends or family when they offer again? Please tell me what to do.

-- NON-DRIVER IN MASSACHUSETTS

Dear Bumming Rides in Boston,

No need to rush. We don't need another crappy driver on the road. Massachusetts has great public transportation and after the "BIG DIG" boondoggle you need to toss a few coins in those public transportation coffers.

As for fear of driving, you are right that is a big piece of metal you are hurtling about (hopefully in the right direction). Cr-Abby has the opposite fear...the fear of other drivers (especially when I'm in their car). I often find myself pressing that nonexistent brake on the passenger side floor board.

If I'm going down, I want it to be with my own fingers clenched around the wheel.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Not Over It in Tennessee

HUSBAND'S ANCIENT INDISCRETION CAUSES WIFE PRESENT-DAY PAIN
DEAR CR-ABBY:
My husband and I have been married eight years. Six months before we met, he had a one-night stand with his brother's girlfriend -- now his brother's wife. His brother was present and involved, if you know what I mean. I am no saint by any means, but this is information I wish he had never told me because now I can't stand the sight of either of them.
My husband has never cheated on me or asked me to have a threesome or anything like that. He worships the ground I walk on and is the perfect mate, very sensitive about my feelings. He has told me he wishes it had never happened, and he feels ashamed.
We live in a small town. I see his brother and his wife all the time and, of course, at all the family gatherings. I have to get over this somehow. I know it's in the past and it was before me, but I get so upset every time I see either one of them that I just want to go off. Please help me. -- NOT OVER IT IN TENNESSEE

Dear Gnawing Teeth Near Nashville,

Let's recap...your husband shared with you a story about a singular sexual escapade that occurred 6 months before he knew you were alive. You harbor resentments against him but cut your hubby slack because he plead out and repented. Now you have channeled your anger (well you call it anger,..I call it repressed syndrome) towards your brother-in-law and wife who were equally unaware of your pending appearance on the scene.

Quick Question...did you tell hubby about the time you "experimented" with your roommate at college and/or any other premarriage indiscretions?...yeah, thought not!
Your husband made two fatal errors...

A) Marrying the Shrew and
B) Sharing with you this information.

"He's ashamed it happened"?...Are you high? He isn't sorry it happened, No man regrets a pre-marriage 3-way, unless it involved a sub-par performance with no do-over. He is however sorry he ever told you and now has to walk around family events on egg shells.

All of which speak volumes about his I.Q. Perhaps there are other such stories involving your mother-in-law. That would explain why his family tree is missing a few branches from inbreeding?

Frankly, all legal activity (and some illegal activity) is off limits for any sanctions. Ever heard the term "Ex-Post-Facto" ? (goggle it).

You have no right and I will not abide such trap crap. Go kill the bug that crawled up your butt, Git-r-done and git over it. I have no advice for you!!!

However my metamucil just kicked in and I'm feeling charitable...here's one way to get over it...invite them over for strip poker, shots, and X and share in their trip down memory lane.

Then you can all look sideways at each other across the table this Thanksgiving.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Ginger in Maryland

TATTOOED MOM GREETS CURIOUS STARES WITH A FRIENDLY SMILE

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I read the letter from "Future Skin Artist, Port Huron, Mich." (Aug. 7), the 18-year-old male who wants to be a tattoo and piercing artist and who sports 20 piercings and a tattoo. He was complaining about the stares and cruel remarks he got from people.
I am a devoted 33-year-old mom of an 8-year-old son. I have a degree in computer forensics, a successful career, 34 piercings and 20 tattoos.
I started by getting my tongue and eyebrow pierced when I was 18. I have had to deal with all the same issues, and it used to frustrate me. Over the years, I have learned a few things about dealing with people.
Most people are not trying to be rude or offensive -- they're just curious. It is essential to not be rude to them, but to smile and answer, "Of course it hurt, but it's not so bad."
I worked with a lady who was shocked when she saw me with my jewelry in. She said she could not believe that a nice person like me could have "those ugly things that criminals wear." After a discussion, she told me that she realized her stereotypes were wrong and would never judge a person that way again. It was one of the proudest days of my life.

-- GINGER IN MARYLAND

Dear Ginger in Mary Ann Land,

Me think thou doest protest too much...
"I'm a dedicated mom, hold a degree, great job yadayaydayada..."

I suppose your nonviolent philosophy should be applauded...let's call it the "turn the other cheek" program (forgive the pun).

Anyway, so your tattoo is art and simply your version of self-expression...right?
Cr-Abby has a little question for you...

Is there another work of art hanging in your home that you love so much that you want it in the same place, looking the same way for the rest of your life?
***Oh and then think about how the image might morph as father time and gravity take their toll.

Even If I owned the Mona Lisa, I don't think I'd want it in my face everyday 24/7...but hey knock yourself out

PS; When men eat they rarely want to munch metal...just a thought!

Just Joking, tat a way...aint no skin off my nose (or anywhere else)...

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Eyes Wide Open in Rodgers ARK

COUPLE CAN'T SEE SOLUTION TO VEXING VISION PROBLEM

DEAR CR ABBY:
I'm a single 59-year-old man who is dating an attractive 40-year-old woman. I wear glasses, and she wears contact lenses, which she takes out before we go to bed at night. Of course, I remove my glasses. The problem is, when we become intimate, we can barely see each other -- even with the lights on. We want to know what each other looks like when we're making love. Any suggestions?
-- EYES WIDE OPEN IN ROGERS, ARK.




Dear Deer in Headlights in Near Wal-Mart HQ,

How serendipitous, I'll be in Bentonville tomorrow on bidnez

You have two possible solutions;

Fly to the Left Coast and see a Lazer Specialist and git-r-done so you can git-r-on!

-or-

Take the opportunity to implant an image in your mind of whomever/whatever you dare to dream of while you play wrestling piggies under the blaney!

She can do the same.

It's a WIN WIN

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from New Mom in Las Vegas

NEW MOTHER'S BOREDOM MAY BE SIGN OF A SERIOUS ISSUE

DEAR CRABBY:

I am 28 years old, married for four years and have an 8-month-old son. For years I knew I wanted children and that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother for as long as possible. I am taking a year or two off from work as a teacher to stay home with my son.
My problem is, I find playing with my son tedious, boring and frustrating. I don't mind caring for his needs, such as cleaning and feeding, but the actual playtime -- the part that is supposed to be fun, stimulating and so important to his emotional, physical and social growth -- bores me out of my mind.
I spend each day waiting for my son to nap so I can read, go online or watch TV, and I count the hours until my husband gets home so I can hand him the baby. I am seriously concerned that something is wrong with me as a mother, especially because I have suffered from depression in the past. Is this a dirty little secret that many mothers keep?

-- NEW MOM IN LAS VEGAS

Dear Mommy Dearest,

Your issue is probably the connection between your job (teaching) and your role as mother. As a teacher you have to mold little minds ( a room full of 25-30) rug rats. Now your job is tutoring one-on-one.
It's like asking a Captain to take some time off and be a Private...not very stinulating.

Hey, I hear casino's have day cares now...maybe you can get some cigarette vendor to take care of Johnnie while you roll them dice :)
Who told you motherhood was an adventure? Use the TV as the babysitter like every other modern day mom.

Crabby

Dear Crabby from Frustrated Sis in Florida

MAN PESTERED BY EX-WIFE MUST ACT TO HELP HIS SON

DEAR CRABBY:

Parental alienation is a topic I have never seen addressed in your column. It is a problem with many divorces involving children. I think my brother is a victim of it. He lives in a different state than his little boy, but pays child support.
Cr-Abby, his ex continuously harasses him via text messaging and late-night phone calls, accusing him of things she thinks happened when they were together. You'd think she hasn't moved on, but she has a new husband!
She agreed that my brother could call his son twice a week, but she rarely answers the phone during these scheduled "visits." She is now trying harder to keep my brother out of his son's life. She even told my nephew that the presents my brother sent him for Christmas came from her new husband!
My brother can't afford a lawyer right now, but he is moving to Florida in the near future and I would like to help him resolve this issue. What are your thoughts on parental alienation?
-- FRUSTRATED SIS IN FLORIDA

Dear Simmering Sister in Sunshine State,

Crabby has been to this movie, seen the sequel and bought the t-shirt. Alienation has it's enablers (including it seems your ex-sister in-law) but parental separation from a child has one main criminal (the one being alienated). Usually this only happen when the parent allows the cracks that perhaps were started by someone else to grow.
What I mean to say is,...at some point either the father moved away from the boy or the ex-wife moved without the father following or engaging the issue legally. Since you and the ex are both in Florida I suspect daddy moved (probably for a job...I get it).
However, while society still paints the man's primary role as that of money earner, job one is really "being there" for your son/daughter (Crabby has made that bad left turn once before...no mas). I remember one Christmas my ex-asked for an extra $400 so my daughter could have a puppy. I paid and later learned that ex-wifey told my daughter that it was from the new hubby. I was really angry! However on reflection I realize that injury was only made possible because I wasnt there to give it to her myself (despite the evil enabler).
As you are in the same state as your nephew, why dont you assert yourself and nurture a relationship with your nephew and then help get your brother to get his butt back to Dangling Chad-ville.

If ex-wifey continues to pull the same stuff...your brother will be in a better position to engage both legally and emotionally,

Crabby

Dear Cr-Abby from Fed Up in New York

BOSS'S POLITICAL PONTIFICATING WEARS OUT THOSE AROUND HIM

DEAR CR- ABBY:

I work for a small, family-owned business. The owner has strong political views and insists on listening to a political talk show during the afternoon, with the volume turned up quite loud.
My boss assumes that his views are everyone else's and talks to customers as if his opinion is gospel. I have watched them roll their eyes and try to get away. I have worked here for three years, and I can't take it anymore. My co-workers say I can't say anything because he owns the business, and he can do whatever he wants. I have looked for another job, but this is a small town and jobs are scarce.
I think it's inappropriate to force one's political views on anyone, especially employees and customers. What's your take on this?
-- FED UP IN NEW YORK

Dear Fully Sated with Big Apples,

You should walk into your bosses office and say.."Hi Boss, I got you a gift (Bose noise cancelling headphones) I suggest you use them when you are listening to Rush Goofball as the rest of us have had about enough or his nonsense as well as "W"'s.
If you don't turn down the koolaid dispenser I may have to sue your formerly protected GOP butt. I tried to get a new job but your party hosed the economy so bad there arent any jobs.
By the way, in case you are thinking of firing me, you might want to check that idea with a lawyer...in just a few days a new President will be installing a number of people from the opposite side of the political spectrum in various administrative positions like the EEOC, AG, etc.

They tend to frown on hostile work place environments and/or punitive terminations. Who knows I might end up owning your business

BTW; do you make more than 250K? If so, I ge it...but if you don;t here are a few other channels you might want to tune into.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from a Dsiatnce

DESIRE TO COMFORT WIDOWER GOES BEYOND FRIENDSHIP

DEAR CR-ABBY:


A few months ago a longtime friend and business associate I'll call "Brian" lost his wife. They had been married for nine years. Brian and I have shared many conversations over the years and know details of each other's lives. He's a remarkable person with outstanding values and a wonderful heart.

I have been legally separated for a year and am in the process of getting a divorce.

I feel terrible for Brian. I know he loved his wife and was committed to her. I feel an overwhelming desire to comfort him, but have held back because it might be a problem because of our circumstances. We have much in common and really enjoy each other's company, and I do feel drawn to him. But I don't want people talking negatively about us, as if there were something going on.

How can I let Brian know I'd like to be there for him without revealing that I would like more? I realize it is inappropriate to infringe on his period of mourning, but I would like him to know I have a genuine interest in him. -- FROM A DISTANCE

Dear Demure Desires a Daliance from a Distance,

Yeah I hear you, yada yada yada...

The man has been without an intimate partner for a few months? Just shut up and jump his bones!! It will cheer him up and he'll quickly ascertain your intentions.

Cr-Abby