Dear Cr-Abby from Eve in Upstate New York

Dear Crabby,

My husband "Adam" and I bought a lovely, secluded home in the country. We have no children, and our nearest neighbor is a hlaf-mile away. Now it seems like my husband plans to spend the rest of his life in the nude. He loves it and often tells me how relaxing it feels. I must admit his temperament has improved.

Please don't get me wrong--I'm not a prude. But Adam goes for days on end without wearing a stitch unless we're going out of someone is coming over. He works in the yard, cuts the grass, hikes in our woods naked--and has a head-to-toe golden tan.

I don't mind seeing my husband in the buff. He's clean and well groomed and nerly as trim as when we first married. (We both are) My problem is, Adam is ocnstantly after me ot join him. I admire his nerve, but I just can't bring myself to go outdoors with nothing on, despite the privacy. My biggest hang up is fear of getting caught.

Last month, Adam was mowing hte lawn adn didn't hear the UPS truck down our long driveway. Caught red-handed, he nonchalantly signed for the package, wished the driver a good day and went back to work. The driver winked and gave me a thumbs-uyp as he drove away.

Should I give in to Adam's request and give his nude lifefstyle a try? I know it would mean a lot to him. I told him I'd follow your advice.--EVE in Upstate New York

Dear Apple a Day near Albany,

Are you kidding me...Adam and Eve with nudity issues? Consult the good book and you will recall that it was YOU and that darn Snake w/the Apple that caused you to be ashamed of nudity in the first place. One bite and you were grasping for the nearest Fig Leaf.

You are in a long marriage, your husband has seen you in the bathroom, nude from all angles, and in various states of half dress. You should be happy that his interest hasn't waned as gravitational forces have taken their toll.

If he is outside tending to the "honey-do's" list; working the soil, mowing the lawn and making landscaping improvements to Eden, the least you can do is give him a little flash from time to time.

Throw the man a bone(r)!!!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Troubled Teen in Tennessee

Dear Crabby,

My only child "lauren" is 16. Her boyfriend, "Scott", treated her well when they first started dating a year ago. Now he talks down to her, makes fun of her and breaks up with her every other week for a few days. Lauren doesn't talk to us about these break ups or anything else. She talks to Scott's mom and adad and believes everything they tell her.

Lauren used to be clsoe to my sister and her kids, but now she ignores them. She would stay at Scott's 24/7 if we let her. She goes there even when he's not home, and has asked if she coudl spend the night over there. Of course, we refuse.

We're not bad parents. Her friends all tell our daughter how lucky she is. Lauren has a nice car, pretty clothes and just about everything she wants. She doesn't have chores, but holds down a part time job for spending money.

I don't know why she allows Scott to disrespect her and why she has forsaken her family. We liked Scott and his family at first -- until they started turning our daughter against us. She'll be 18 before long, and I don;t want to lose my daughter. Help!

Dear Near Childless in Chattanooga,

You assert "we're not bad parents" and then back up that claim with your version of proof that includes "she doesn't do chores, has a nice car, pretty clothes and everything she wants!"

Cr-abby isn;t call you out as "bad parents" but I would stringly suggest that you "ideate" and reread the above paragraph...does the "proof" you offer actually demonstrate your parental acumen?

You need to suck it up and demand that she stop seeing Scott. Take the car keys, revoke priviledges etc. and end this destructive relationship. She'll no doubt howl like a wolf and act out. She may even threaten all manner of scary stuff as this will be a shock to her cottled existance to date.

Don't be frightened, be resolute. Realistically you have only two options;

a) Status Quo and lose her as she heads along this known path

b) Venture into the unknown territory called tough love and risk losing her

"A" has no chance of success

"B" has a glimmer of a chance

I'd choose "B"

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Wavering in the South

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I am trying hard to rebuild my marriage. My husband and I have three young children. Four months ago, I met a man (I'll call him "Jack") who made me feel like I haven't felt in a long time. We have not slept together.
We tried several times to stop seeing each other, but unfortunately, my attraction to him was too strong. This week my husband and I separated. I saw Jack this morning. Before things went too far I told him that I had herpes.
Cr-Abby, he practically had a heart attack -- and ended it on the spot!
The thing is, what I said wasn't true. I just could not think of another way to make him stop being available so I could concentrate on my marriage. I feel like such a coward, and I am heartbroken. Not only do I miss Jack terribly, I also can't bear the thought that someone who made me feel so happy would just turn his back on me.

Would there be any point in telling him that I lied, or did I do the right -- albeit cowardly -- thing?

-- WAVERING IN THE SOUTH

Dear Seeing Stars in Bars Near Appomattox,

First things first...Let the dust settle a bit with the soon to be ex-husband before you start jumping into or being jumped on by anyone in a new sty.

Newsflash,...all "new love" feels exciting and fresh...sustainable?...NOT!

Herpes or no Herpes you need to see one doctor or the other kind...you need to take your foot off the gas pedal, drive the car to a safe packing lot and sort out your route before you take the wheel again.

Of course, having been witness to this movie before you will not listen and car wreck #2 and more is right around the corner.

Did I hear you right... You have 3 small children and just newly separated? Get your priorities aligned. Get the kids into a routine of safety and security before you bring home new "daddy candidates".

There are assorted battery operated devices available to help you through the rough, lonely patches while you hit the reset button on your life.

Cr-Abby

PS; Get off Jack and let Jack, Jack Off to Get Off while you tend to matters of more import!!!

Dear Cr-Abby from Trapped in Calgary

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My father-in-law passed away in 2002 and had a friend I'll call "Roy," who was his skiing buddy. This "friend" now comes to Canada every winter for a 10-day vacation. He expects us to drive him to his destination two hours away, over icy roads and at times blizzard-like conditions, leave him there for a week, return the following weekend at night, stay the weekend and then host him for two to three days.
Abby, this is a busy time of year for me. It is not our vacation time. My husband thinks it's no big deal, but I feel differently. I have tried to get my husband to stop this "chauffeur" duty back and forth each year, to no avail. This year, Roy will be spending an extra two nights at our home. I am too busy to entertain, cook meals, etc.
Please advise! -- TRAPPED IN CALGARY

Dear Caged and Cantankerous in Canada,

Obviously your HUSBAND views this man as family (he probably played an important role during his youth as a friend of his father). He may simply view this as paying tribute to his father by tending to his father's friend.

As your husband is willing to do the driving...you are left with only one burden...
...Tolerating a houseguest and serving up a few meals over a 2 or 3 day period.

If you can't bring yourself to do it for your father-in-laws friend, do it for your husband and shut the F*** up! BTW, if it is just too big a burden to clang a few pots in the kitchen...ask hubby for a few Canadian dollars and go fetch grub at a take out!

I suspect your husband tolerates and accommodates all manner of fun folks on your side of the family tree. Judging by your lack of empathy and flexibility I'll bet he just loves it when your mom drops in...not!

Women!,... can't shut'em up, can't kill'em, can't train 'em!!!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Untouchable in NY

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I was pleased that you advised "Remorseful in Georgia" (Jan. 27) to find another outlet for her guilt and "leave the scab alone." I was recently contacted by my fiance's former girlfriend, a woman who had made several attempts to break us up when we first became a couple.
Although she apologized for the problems she tried so hard to cause between us, all it did was dredge the feelings of anger and anxiety up again. She was calling for purely selfish reasons -- not to give me the chance to confront her, but under the guise of "wanting to be friends." Whatever made her think I would want her friendship?!
If "Remorseful" needs a way to rid herself of her guilt, I recommend she get therapy. She may be trying to escape her karma. In my experience, she can run, but she can't hide.
-- UNTOUCHABLE IN NEW YORK

Dear Still Smoldering Apple Fretter,

...and I quote... "She may be trying to escape her karma. In my experience, she can run, but she can't hide."

Yep, sounds like you have this anger thing licked. Yes siree' no inner demons biting at you. You're the model for the Forgive and Forget crowd...NOT

As for Untouchable, I suspect you are a bit less like Eliot Ness and a tad more akin to the guy with the baseball bat...probably shouldn't "do lunch" with the ex-girlfriend anytime soon.
http://moviedeaths.blogspot.com/2008/02/untouchables-baseball.html

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Second Time Around

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am a 30-year-old, divorced woman who is planning to remarry soon. My ex-husband and I are still friendly and get along well. Would it be inappropriate to ask him to walk me down the aisle?
My father is dead, and my mother feels the task should fall to a significant male. I would like to ask him, but I am not sure how he'll react or if my fiance will approve of the idea.
Any suggestions?
-- SECOND TIME AROUND

Dear Secondhand Rose,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snRO__-eWlg
I read somewhere that it is more likely to get struck by lightning than it is for a thirty-something female to get married and have it stick. My advice would be to not tempt these odds further by giving hubby #2 something troublesomne to ponder before the event.

Also, I would avoid carrying any long metal objects in your hand during rain storms until after you get the "I do" done!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Reluctant Witness in Pennsylvania

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I'm a freshman at a Catholic university. I was awakened last night at 3 a.m. because my bunk bed -- I'm on top -- was shaking. Then I heard my roommate moaning. She had snuck a boy into our dorm room, and they were doing "it."
I am so upset at her disregard for my personal space that I don't know how to talk to her. I'm big on chastity, but I don't want her to think I'm speaking up because I'm a prude. I found it so upsetting that it was difficult to get back to sleep.
My roommate is nice, and we get along well. How do I tell her this behavior is unacceptable? If I tell our resident assistant, she will get in trouble and hate me for it. If I had been forewarned, I would have slept out in the lounge. Please help me.
-- RELUCTANT WITNESS IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Uninvited Voyeur Victim near Venango,

Well, college is the place where exploring the mind and body is in high gear. I remember my roomate and I had a system. We would wrap a rubber band around the outer door handle if one of us was errr uhmm "entertaining company".
Your situation is different as there was no code preset to allow you to avoid the 6.9 earthquake. So, I suppose you have to engage if a little more assertiveness.
Just tell her that you want to make sure there is as much freedom as possible in the tiny room but a 3 way without the invite is not on the list of acceptable to options. Then hand her a box of rubber bands and a box of rubbers too.

Tell her that the new rule is that she has to use both before you get home!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Landlocked in Northern California

DEAR CR-ABBY:

My husband, "Mike," and I have been married for 18 years, but for the last few we have been growing apart. Mike has recently expressed a desire to quit work and sail around the world. He bought an expensive sailboat, took lessons, and is teaching our kids to sail. I tried it, but I'm afraid of the water. I have, however, been supportive of my husband's dream.
I knew Mike was looking for a "crew" for the boat because he couldn't sail with just the kids. Today he told me he has found someone. This crew consists of a married woman and her two kids. Mike invited her to crew after she first asked her husband. He did not ask ME first. He simply announced he had found a competent sailor.
I expressed vehemently that I am against this. I have never met the woman or her kids, and I'm hurt that I wasn't consulted. Mike says he is hurt because I "don't trust him." By the way, the sailboat is only 37 feet long, and they're planning their first two-week trip this fall.
What do you think?
-- LANDLOCKED IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

Dear Castaway Near Calistoga,

Better work on your "Knot Tying" in both departments (sailing and marriage).

Your "fear of the water" has not only robbed you of a closer relationship with your husband, but of a once in a lifetime memorable experience with your children not to mention the romantic call of the sea...which your husband has in spades.

Go see a doctor of phobia-ology and get fitted for a safe pair of boating shoes.

Don't let this floosy with her fledging brood sail on your flotilla.

Ahoy, now here this..."All-a-Shore who's going to regret it!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Upset in Florida

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am 20. My father, who recently turned 50, is dating a girl, "Amber," who is only 19. I went to high school with Amber, and I know for a fact there isn't a lot she has to offer him unless it's trouble.
Our parents divorced 16 years ago, and Dad hasn't had another woman in his life who he really liked. He has dated casually, but this is turning into something serious. They have been seeing each other only a few weeks, and they are now talking about an engagement.
Cr-Abby, Amber has a 6-month-old son. The child's father will have nothing to do with her or the baby. I think she's after Dad for the money, and I do not approve of their relationship.
What should I do? -- UPSET IN FLORIDA

Dear Gator got your Goat,

Possum, your Dad is suffering from a debilating ailment known as DSB (Deadly Semen Back-Up). It is a condition where the little head starts making decisions for the big head.

I'm afraid the only known cure is B.A.W. (Bank Account Withdrawals). The CDC informs me that this disease has reached epidemic proportions owning to the "Graying of America" combined with too much "E-Hollywood" exposure.

It's a long shot, but here's an idea...become Amber's BFF (Best Fake Friend) and arrange multiple play dates (just the two of you) leaving the 6 month old rug rat behind with Daddy for hours at a time (or better yet a few days).

Dad may get a sneak peak at what no nookie, no money and a screaming brat feels like. It might shock him enough for a few blood cells to drift northward.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Dating in D.C.

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My boyfriend, "Sean," and I met online six months ago. We are now at the stage where we are meeting and going out with each other's friends and co-workers, and the question, "How did you meet?" is coming up.
Sean prefers his friends and family not know we met on an online dating site, while I have been up-front with my circle of friends. I would rather get our history straight before these groups meet each other.
How do we balance his need for privacy with my openness? I would also like to use this as an example to de-stigmatize online dating for my single friends. -- DATING IN D.C.

Dear Courting in the Capitol,

Oh Possum, isn't love grand? I remember the first time a boy stared at my knickers, but I digress.

Perhaps a white lie can bridge the gap,...did you I.M. or email while at work?...many do you know pumpkin. So, he can say,.."we met at work" and you can say we met on line.

Fear not little one, in time the lad will grow up and shed his phobia about the how and begin to focus on the now. These wee men are "works in progress" and you have to nurture the knuckle dragger to a more upright existence.
Don;t get your knickers in a snit over the mundane limitations that is the "male condition".

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Not Laughing in Iowa

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Will you please explain to your readers that doctors do not practice medicine 24 hours a day? Each time we reveal to people that my husband is a psychiatrist, we have to put up with unfunny jokes about how he's going to analyze them, or insinuations that all he does is sit on a couch and ask, "And how do you feel about that?" How should we respond to these misconceptions?
-- NOT LAUGHING IN IOWA

Dear Humor Challenged in Boone County,

Lighten Up, Shut Up and Get Real... This is your big problem?

P-L-E-A-S-E, over 10 million people dont have a job to be bothered about and you whine about what should be an opportunity to grow your husbands client list.

Frankly, I'm guessing your real problem is that he is the object of the discussion and not you. Your husband is part of any entire list of professionals who are "hit up" in social settings for advice and/or bear the brunt of jokes.

Lawyers, Dentists, Plumbers, Tradesman of all manner and "Real Doctors" get the same treatment.

Why not turn this to your advantage and grow your business (networking).

If it really bothers you AND your husband, then be less open about what he does for a living in social settings. Try asking other people more about them and say less about you. The person asking the questions has the power not the one answering them.

Write back when you have a real problem like when your husband leaves you for a gal he met at a party who has mor of an interest in him than you.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from ABS of Sponge

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I am part of a group of people who read our local newspaper online and comment on the news of the day in the public forums provided. It's great fun and offers an excellent place to interact with others.
Some of us have become close, exchanging e-mails and chat messages. One of the women has suggested we all get together at a local watering hole and meet each other, and the gang has agreed.
I would love to join in, but the problem is that the persona I built online is that of a hunky, handsome young man -- including a pilfered photo I posted as "me" on my profile. Needless to say, he is NOT me. I am a 54-year-old, chubby, graying man who wears glasses.
I would love to meet these people, but I'm embarrassed about the lies I have told them. Some of the women have flirted with me, thinking I am this sexy guy. How can I fix this so we can all be friends? I am afraid they'll be angry at my ruse.
-- ABS OF SPONGE

Dear Digital Swan/Analog Duck,

Oh, the tangled web we weave when we aim to deceive...

Chances are your lady friends might have fudged the truth a tad as well but that is expected where as men are not suppose to do so.
Cr-Abby rule of thumb...add 20 pounds and 10 years to any photo of a woman posted on the net, subtract 3 inches from the Willy for any digitgal bragging done by a guy.

I would change your avatar tomorrow and add the "come clean explanation". Have your coming out digital confession and wait a day or two for the responses. Then arrange the "coffee/wine/whiskey" play date" !

What the hec is ASB of Sponge?

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Blackmailed in Ames, Iowa

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My sister, "Joni," caught me having sex with my boyfriend. (We used protection, so it's not like I'm going to get pregnant.) Our parents were away and Joni was supposed to be gone for several hours, so I thought we would be safe. But Joni had a fight with her boyfriend, came home sooner than we expected and caught us "in the act."
Now she's blackmailing me. I have to hand my allowance over to her -- and that's not all. She has turned me into her personal slave -- changing her bed, picking up her dirty clothes and doing her chores. She forces me to let her wear my nicest jeans and shirts, but because she's bigger than me, my clothes are getting stretched out of shape or torn at the seams.
When I complain, she says, "What are you going to do about it? Go ahead and tell Mom and see what I tell her!" I know if Joni tells our parents they won't let me see my boyfriend anymore. We're in love, and I couldn't handle that. But the blackmail is driving me crazy. Please help me. -- BLACKMAILED IN AMES, IOWA

Dear Guido's Beat'ch,

Couple of ways to play the game here;

1) Tell your parents you caught her having sex or some other bad story without telling your sister you outed her (it doesn't matter if it is true or not, just pick a story that is plausible and involves something your parents would believe about sis). Then when she says...I did not and then tries to tell on you, her story will sound retaliatory and you can put up a good "did not" (plausible deniability) defense.

2) Get the real goods on her and run the "stalemate" game. You both carry a nuclear bomb but agree not to wage a war of mutually assured destruction.

3) Does she have a pet she loves? Hold a knife to "Spots" throat and tell her,...if you rat me out Joni, "Spot is going to go live with the fishes"!

4) Come Clean with the parents yourself and then don't let Joni know you outed yourself. Then a day or two later (after pretending to be under the thumb of your sister still)...tell your parents that your sister is involved in this little extortion scheme,..then wait for the perfect moment and say...Hey Joni,,...I'm not doing this anymore...go tell mom and dad, I don't care! Then when she runs in and proclaims your sluttiness, she actually be demonstrating her lack of character.

Bottle of soda $1.50
New Dress $79.99
Revenge on a sibling.....PRICELESS

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Confused in Pennsylvania

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My husband, "Warren," and I are happily married. We love each other. We are both hardworking career professionals and have raised our family. We have always been faithful to each other.
Warren is very open with his emotions and often tells me how much he loves me. He is also very passionate during our intimate moments. The problem is, he expects me to act the same way -- which I can't.
Although I love my husband and always will, I do not feel comfortable expressing myself the way he does during our lovemaking. I am content to just "get it over with" while he yearns for the kissing, hugging and talk.
Despite an active sex life with Warren, he has told me many times he wishes I were more expressive and open with my feelings. I respond by telling him, "I am who I am." He is not happy that I refuse to change.
Warren is a wonderful man. Other women probably would have no problem giving him what he wants, but we are not compatible this way. I have never spoken to anyone else about this, and I'm wondering what you think. -- CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Role Reversal near Redding,

So, your honey is Pepe Le Pew and you the Cat Woman prying out from under to escape. Curious, while you didn't tell me how many years you have been married you did refer to having raised a family. Hence, I assume you've been together a couple of decades....has it always been so?

If not, maybe your plumbing is making that mid-life adjustment. Any good plumber will tell you it is all about the tools.

Run down to your nearby Pussy-Cat Club with the adjoining marital aid emporium next door and pick yourself up a nice massaging crescent wrench. Turn the bedroom into Tool Time.

Maybe that will loosen your tongue a tad.

If that fails there are a few illegal pharmaceuticals that help honey turn on the tulip..."X" marks/hits the spot :)

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Waiting in Texas

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My husband "William" and I have been married 32 years. I love him dearly, but his health is poor. William is only 55, has had five heart attacks and has three stents in his heart. His last visit to the ER included being hit with paddles because his heart had stopped. In spite of this, my husband continues to smoke, eat whatever he wants and so on. I feel as if I am just waiting for him to die.
I think about this all the time. When I try to call my husband and he doesn't answer, I envision him at home dead on the floor. We have made all the arrangements necessary for when the time comes.
We recently moved into a new home. William works constantly around the house and then complains to me about how tired he gets. When I encourage him to take it easy and rest, he says, "I have to get everything done before I die." It's driving my crazy.
How do I end these obsessive thoughts of my husband dying? It scares me to think of life without him. We have been together since I was a teenager. Other times I feel as if his death will actually set me free. William is a good man, and I'm troubled by these constant nagging thoughts. Any advice would be a blessing.
-- WAITING IN TEXAS

Dear Not Thrilled with Bill in Beaumont,

Your Hubby is well past his Wonderbread Years...the dye is cast. He has had all of these life-threatening experiences which no doubt included the usual chastisement by medical professional....yet his behavior is "locked in" to the race to grave program.

You can't change him, you can only change you!

Grant me the strength to change those things I can
Grant me the serenity to accept those things I can't
Grant me the wisdom to know the difference

Enjoy the time you have, prepare for the time alone, find another life enjoying activity (hobby, social club etc) to bridge the transition (before and after).

Try not to go down with the ship by making those life insurance payments on time!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Rev. M.N.R. in New York

DEAR CR-ABBY:

In this day and age, especially with jobs so scarce, a lot of young couples are finding that by becoming legally married they disqualify themselves from things like prenatal care, health care for their children and government assistance programs. In order to survive, many couples now opt to have the ceremony without the paperwork.
Another idea gaining in popularity is that unless everyone in this country has equal rights for marriage, no one should be getting married. Several couples I know have married without the paperwork because they regard the alternative the same as sitting at a segregated lunch counter, and they are unwilling to support segregation.
Many people feel there is a blatant disregard for separation of church and state and that "legal" marriages are not at all legal, but an example of government recognizing those with faith while disregarding those who have a different point of view on what family is.
-- REV. M.N.R. IN NEW YORK

Dear Right Reverend Wishy Washy,

You sir or maam as the case maybe are a leader of your church. While people can and will argue about right and wrong, you are the person to assert the view of the church (or the church's view of God's intent). Playing the crowd as the chief fence sitter may help you minimize attrition of the flock which is a financial goal, it does nothing to help those lost and confuse as it relates to a moral compass.
Unless of course you wish to open a new church, "The Divine Center of the I'm Okay, You're Okay and it's All Good".

I do strongly agree that the state should legally recognize unions (all unions) and insure equal rights accorded all citizens. That doesn't mean the church follows suit.

Church's can search their own tenets and establish ceremony's based on those tenets. There will be sufficient church differences to accomodate anyone in need of a certain "RITE".



Let the State handle the RIGHTS and the Church handle the RITES, but don't surrender a moral position simply based on popular marketability.
Grow some balls, even if you are a chick preacher!



Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Bethany in Minneapolis

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I must respond to the letter from "Deceived in Arizona" (Nov. 30). I agree the couple shouldn't have misled their guests and should have let them know it wouldn't be a state-sanctioned wedding. But these days, many couples choose not to legally wed, and for others it is not a choice.
Most gay and lesbian people do not have the opportunity to have a state-sanctioned marriage, and many progressive couples choose not to legally wed because of unequal marriage laws. Other couples view marriage as oppressive and prefer not to invite the state into their relationship.
Also, some churches will no longer perform state-sanctioned marriages until marriage is available to all couples. If members of those churches decide to be legally married, they must go to the courthouse.
My advice to that stepmother: Get over it! Celebrate the fact that your stepdaughter found her lifelong companion and is happy. And be thankful your new grandchild will have loving, committed parents. -- BETHANY IN MINNEAPOLIS

Dear Eliza Do Gooder,

Go jump in one of those thousand lakes of yours...we don't need retreads here at Dear Cr-Abby.

A gathering of people to enjoy a special day is called a "Party", a wedding in a church is the painful non-sense you have to endure until you can get to the party and hopefully the open bar.

BTW; You can write me back once your Vikings ever win a Superbowl...the losers have cost me $$$ over the years and as a 35 year fan, I'm tired of waiting.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Homebody in Massachusetts

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Is it possible -- or normal -- for someone to lack the desire to travel? I am a 23-year-old female college graduate with a good job. I am involved in a serious relationship and still live with my parents because of financial constraints.
I like to think my life is pretty normal.
When my friends graduated from college, they all backpacked through Europe before starting their jobs. I was content to stay home, relax and readjust to life off-campus. Now that my friends are accruing vacation time, they are planning all sorts of trips -- cruises, vacations, road trips to visit old roommates, etc. None of this appeals to me.
I am a nervous traveler and tend to feel uncomfortable when I'm outside my "comfort zone." I'm not afraid to admit that I can be uptight, and I don't "roll with the punches" very well.
Last summer my boyfriend and I spent several weekends in a beach town about two hours away. I had a great time, although I was just as happy to go home at the end. I am not depressed or aloof. Give me an afternoon at the local mall or a movie rather than a weekend in Las Vegas. Am I weird? -- HOMEBODY IN MASSACHUSETTS

Dear Nesting Neophyte Near Nantucket,

Cr-Abby apologizes for his belated response,...I usually get this done in the morning but my Metamucil didn't kick in on time and I spent the morning on the pot and the keyboard cord wasnt long enough to reach the John. Much better now despite the roids.

Back to you and your "am I normal" question...
Not wanting to travel today with all the fun the TSA has thrown into the process is not only normal but completely understandable.
Many young adults who should have their a##'es out of their parents houses have opted to be a free loader like you so that's is probably the new normalcy too.

However, with all that said, Cr-Abby would suggest that you exit the nest in steps (no, a trip to the mall doesn't count). Here's the plan;

1) Find an apartment with a roommate that is affordable and get you bum butt outta Momma's house.

2) Commute to work without Daddy dropping you off (trike, bike train or bus...make no matter to me).

3) Let the boyfriend introduce you to the 13 states of the Union (oops I mean start with the 13).

Have you heard of a little thing called the "Global Economy"? Being the head typists in the Smith Corona temporary typists factory pool doesn't have much of a future.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Exasperated in Ohio

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Because of a medical condition, my husband of 30 years can no longer drive a car -- so now he is driving ME nuts. Not only does he tell me how to drive ("You're too far to the right," or "Watch out for that car!" or " I'd go this way," etc.), but he feels it is his responsibility to remotely lock/unlock the car doors, remotely start the car -- anything having to do with the car but drive it.
We end up "canceling" each other out when I try to start the car or lock it. Please tell me how to solve the dilemma about who should control the functions of the car.
-- EXASPERATED IN OHIO

Dear Driving Mr. Daisy Near Dayton,

We men like to feel we are in control. Losing the ability to drive is as bad an emasculator to a man as losing control of Little (or not so Little) Johnny, or ceding our lives to some nagging shrew.

What we need here is a faux-control device to last the trip from here-to-there.

Go to Best Buy and buy him the most tricked-out, portable gaming device with a gigantic joy stick.

You drive and he gets to control his stick...but that will only last for short trips :). For long treks you will have to get a portable DVD player with a remote and a bottle of vicodin (the remote is for him, the vicodin is for you).

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Principled Brother-In-Law

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I consider myself to be a "free spirit." I bike and hike to get around, do not own a car and pretty much try to live "off the grid."
My recently married sister and new in-laws are my favorite people in the world. But they constantly arrange weekend events -- movie nights, shopping trips and coffee bar-hopping. The objective, of course, is the joy of sharing good company.
As a vehement anti-consumerist and anti-materialist, I find it deeply upsetting to be asked to spend money on things I consider to be exploitive industries and endeavors. On the other hand, there's nothing I enjoy more than being in the presence of these kind, loving, nurturing people.
So, just as I can't stand the way they spend their money, I don't want to spoil their good time by being some kind of "psycho naturalist in-law." What can I do?
-- PRINCIPLED BROTHER-IN-LAW

Dear Underground Uber Urchin,

You know, my farts don't bother me, in fact sometimes, they smell kind of sweet. However, when someone else lets one go off, it really stinks.

Unless I'm willing to go "Howard Hughes" I suppose from time to time I'll have to take a whiff as part of the penalty of interfacing with other people.

I forgot, what was your question again?

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Eric in Los Alamitos, CA

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I clearly remember my first Valentine's Day. I was in first grade. A few days before, my mom asked how many kids were in my class, and we went to a store and bought large packages of valentines -- one for every child in the class. The cards were all the same size and said, basically, the same thing.
When I arrived at school, each classmate had a small box on his or her desk. At some point during the day, I went around the room and gave each child a valentine. There was one for the quiet one in the back, the most popular girl in class, the prettiest and even the boys. This was long before society taught me that such a show of affection had to exclude people of the same gender as me. By the end of the day, everyone had a full box of valentines to take home.
One desk, one box ... the love of a child.
As I grew older, society taught me to narrow my offering of affection, picking only those I chose to be special or worthy. Eventually, I was taught to limit my valentines to only one person. More time went on, and then a card was not enough. To show that really special person what she meant to you, you needed to send flowers, candy and jewelry.
Apparently, as we grew older it took more and more to fill those boxes. Now we absolutely could not give to more than one person. People hire detectives to make sure that the person isn't filling anyone else's. And if you had no one to send you anything, you were saddened by your big, empty box filled only with sadness and despair.
Today, I am taking back from society what it has taken from me. I'm counting how many people play a role in my life, and I am buying "virtual" packages of cards. I have one for every single one of you -- man or woman, young or old, straight or gay, married or single. Each card is the same size, they all say the same thing -- that I appreciate who you are and what you have to contribute to each other.
I invite each and every one to do the same, so that no box is empty and the shy ones, the pretty ones, the popular ones and those who are less so go home tonight with a full box of valentines.
One virtual desk, one virtual box, and the love of a child at heart. I wish you all a happy Valentine's Day.
-- ERIC IN LOS ALAMITOS, CALIF.

Dear Eric Escaped from the Lab,

For guy you sure drone on a lot.

News Flash, growing up is a process. You gain things you lose things. You announce your choice to revert and invite others to fall down the same rabbit hole but you forgot to pass the Mushrooms.

Good luck in your search for Bruce from the 3rd grade and your goal of telling him you've finally "come out".

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Stuck in Oklahoma

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am 16 but will be 17 in a few months. I have known my boyfriend, "Gabriel," for two years. He is my first boyfriend.
After four months of dating, Gabriel has asked me to marry him, and I said yes. He had been hinting about an engagement, and I didn't have the heart to say otherwise.
Gabriel is very dear to me, but I keep hearing people say, "Keep your options open." I told Gabriel that I am young (he's 18), and I want to take it slowly, but he says if I break up with him to date other guys, he will never date me again.
Cr-Abby, I want to make sure Gabriel is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Sometimes I wish I hadn't started dating him because I feel too young to be engaged or married. I love Gabriel dearly. I don't want to break his heart or mine. I am also scared I might mess up this relationship. What should I do to make myself believe that I have found my true love?
-- STUCK IN OKLAHOMA

Dear Sixteen Going On Seventeen Sooner,

Stuck in Oklahoma ain't OK,...go West Young Girl and escape the Dust Bowl Courtship. Tell him Later, not Sooner :)
Here, this might be helpful...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3DDXh9o_4o
Don't date any Nazi Wanna Bees either, even if they can sing.

Cr-Abby rule of thumb,...Take your age multiply by 2 as a minimum of people you should date before getting hitched. (CAVEAT, not a valid calculation for those under 16 or over 40)

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Going Through the Motions in Illinois

DEAR CR-ABBY:

Two years ago, my husband of 25 years, "Glen," discovered that I'd had an affair 10 years earlier. After he found out, he couldn't sleep or eat, had recurring nightmares about the affair and was suicidal. He says it is still the first thing that pops into his mind when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep. Neither of us thinks he will ever be able to get over it.
Glen doesn't want to be married to someone who would lie and cheat, and I don't want to be married to someone who can't love me. Actually, I don't think I love him, either. We have discussed divorce many times but it always comes down to our kids.
They are all on their own, but they would be devastated if we divorced -- especially if they knew what caused it. We don't want them to go through the pain that Glen has gone through. We love them and cherish the times we still have together as a family. If we were to divorce, it would never be the same.
Are we crazy to stay together for the kids?
-- GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS IN ILLINOIS

Dear Deceptive Dancer/Desperate Housewife Near Des Plaines,

Glen can't trust you, you can't love someone who can't trust you...Ergo "fold the tent time" is being pondered. I found it enlightening that you spent a scant three words on your ownership in this debacle...which I surmise is the genesis for Glen's lack of healing.

If you are simply asking if staying together for the kids is the right thing to do,...I think you are asking for permission to indulge yourself.
If you care about the kids, you and Glen will invest in counseling where you both will have to demonstrate your caring for the kids by giving the effort an honest chance.

Marriage is not bliss, although there is occasional bliss. Many of the fondness memories come from family outings and events even though the fire below may not burn as it once did.

Do yourself, Glen and the kids a favor...get some help before you take your E-ticket to the Selfish A## Exit. After you have made that honest attempt, you may ponder the other possibilities. For now, lock those away and bring your contrite heart and open mind to an expert...IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS.

Now Buggar Off,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from I'm His Dad in Virginia

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I have tried to have cordial relations with my neighbors, but do not have particularly close friendships with any of them. A little over a year ago, a young man started coming to my home on a regular basis whenever my wife was out of town. After a while, he began spending the night with me when she was away.
Evidently, some of my neighbors noticed these visits and started gossiping about it, spreading the rumor that I am gay and that this young guy is my lover. More recently, however, he has spent the night when my wife is present, so now my neighbors think something kinky is going on.
At times I am puzzled by this. At other times I am angry at their arrogance and gall. The explanation is simple: The young man is my son from a previous relationship. Because we were prevented from having contact when he was a child, we are now trying to establish a relationship -- and we are making progress. My wife and other children have been wonderfully supportive in all this.
I really don't want to tell my neighbors what's going on because it will inevitably lead to a disclosure of some things that are really none of their business. But I am troubled by the rumor that I have a young male lover. What do you think I should do?
-- I'M HIS DAD IN VIRGINIA

Dear Oops, Hi Dad,..Mom gave me your address,

If you don't have a close relationship with your neighbors why give a rat's butt what they surmise.

If you want to have some fun, make a pass at the biggest rumor monger on the block. Guy or Gal, pick your poison, but usually the women are much better at rumor mill production.

PS; Have wifey make a pass at the same gal, that will really get the ole buzz a-going.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Overexposed in San Francisco

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am a private person by nature and avoid doing a lot of posting on the Internet because of it. My problem is a friend I'll call "Maria," who constantly posts pictures of our outings with friends on her Web site for everyone to see.
The photos themselves are not embarrassing, I just prefer not having my face plastered all over the Internet. Most recently, Maria posted photographs from my wedding without asking me, and it really bothered me. I understand that she is an outgoing person who enjoys sharing details of her life, but I feel like my privacy has been invaded.
I am not the only person in our group that feels this way. How do we ask her to stop posting these images without offending her?
-- OVEREXPOSED IN SAN FRANCISCO

Dear Ansel Adams on Steroids,

"Overexposed in San Francisco", isn't that redundant?

I have thought long and hard about this one...a real toughy. I flew in a team of consultants. This high powered brain trust and I have burnt the midnight oil and after many hours pondering we believe we have come up with a solution....

Ask her to stop!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Sports Dad Down South

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My youngest son, "Trent," is 17. At a very early age it became apparent that he was a gifted athlete. Years of stellar performance in baseball and other sports have elevated him to a high social status -- and it has created a rift between us.
Trent has become unmanageable. He regards my influence, direction and discipline to be nothing more than a daily hindrance. Somewhere in the sports mania, I lost control as a father.
As his only parent (and support), I wonder how many other parents are really aware of the crushing burden and peer pressure these young people experience in the quest for athletic perfection. I have and always will support my son's goals, but I see a disassociation with reality while he revels in his status. A college scholarship is a given.
Is my issue unique? Do you have any advice for me?
-- SPORTS DAD DOWN SOUTH

Dear Lion in Winter,

As you know, physical maturity and emotional maturity run on different race tracks. Perhaps you made mistakes and perhaps not, but there is only one course of action and it has short term risks but the status quo already has those risks as part of the program. Hence, you have to reach deep down in your diaphram and ROAR.

Your self-respect is only as valuable as your inclination to assert and defend it. You have sway over his life relative to money and while a scholarship and trinkets will abound without your influence and despite them, all college kids need dough/support and nurture.

If he is as good as you say, no doubt a number of sports agents will attempt to supplant your position...just accept that as evitable. However, these same agents and pals are nothing more than fair weather abettors. Watch what happens when there is a career ending injury, or he is beat out by the next Big Man on Campus. When your son has the evitable tough times (there is no escape from life's rain fall) they will be less supportive than you and he will run back. However, you have to show your son that his father deserves respect but loves him for his fame and faults.

In an earlier day, I would have suggested what my 5' 7" grandfather did to my 6' 3" father when he was 17 and feeling uppity...(grandad sent him to the canvas in one blow), but today that only gets you in jail or on the cover of the "Daddy Dearest" tell all biography.

Stand and deliver your terms, stick to them!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from On the Spot in Waldorf, MD

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I'm a fiercely independent and headstrong woman. I have recently begun dating my childhood sweetheart, "Jess," again after 20 years. Jess is traditional and would prefer I surrender my independence and allow him to take the "man's" role. We are trying to compromise, but now another issue has come up.
My best friend, "Wendell," recently proposed to his girlfriend and asked me to be his best woman at the wedding. Of course I accepted. I'm excited about the honor he has bestowed upon me, and I will be wearing a tuxedo and stiletto heels.
Jess is totally against it. He says Wendell is treating me like I'm a man and I'm going along with it. Every time the subject comes up, Jess gets angry. He hasn't met Wendell yet, and I would love more than anything for my two special guys to get along. What am I to do?

-- ON THE SPOT IN WALDORF, MD.

Dear Popeye the Sailor Man,

So, you say..."I am what I am" but you don't recognize/respect Jess's need to be who he is.

Go be the best-woman at the wedding, but I woudl advise against you participating in any ceremony that puts you front and center with Jess.
Let Jess go find his lady and you go find Helen Reddy.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Reluctant Bride in North Carolina

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I am 21 and have been with a great guy, "Albert," who's 20, for more than a year. We're engaged to be married and live together in a condo we recently bought. We both work full time and support ourselves comfortably.
While I would love to marry Albert, I feel we are young and I see no need to rush into it. Things are wonderful between us, but I'm not really looking forward to a wedding.
Albert wants a formal wedding with family in attendance. He says his parents and other family members would be upset if we eloped and would have trouble forgiving him. I'm a rather reserved person, and the idea of being put in the spotlight, with all the hoopla and expense, is overwhelming. In fact, to elope would be perfect for me.
When I share my feelings with Albert, he becomes offended and accuses me of not being as "in love" with him as he is with me. I do love him, and I would be happy to be his wife. I'm just not interested in a ceremony and everything that goes with it. We need advice.

-- RELUCTANT BRIDE IN NORTH CAROLINA

Dear Runaway from Raleigh Bride,

While the bride (traditionally) gets to plan and dictate the size, location, scope, color, invites, brides maids, and other details of the event...you have opted for the no-plan gig.

I'm just spit balling here but I'm reasonably sure you have issues other than your reserved nature. You say "you would love to marry Albert" but you also share "you aren't in a rush" meanwhile he and the potential in-laws are pushing for a big gig soon.

Your 20,....at 20 I didn't know which hand to use to errr uhmm relax much less who to marry...but that's me. You have bought a home together and that's kudos for you,...but didnt you talk about a timeline when you "shacked up"? What was the plan?

Anyway, you can get hitched at City Hall and have a "party" elsewhere if that is how you want to play it...if of course the "event" is really the basis for your angst.

I think you need to take a long weekend ALONE and ELSEWHERE to reflect on how you feel, what you want, and then come home and articulate that to Albert. Perhaps, if you don;t love him enough to arrange a traditional wedding for the family, you might not have the goods to go the distance.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Lonely Spouse in New Jersey

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Five years ago, I married a 40-year-old woman I'll call "Phyllis." We had dated for eight years. My problem is, after all this time Phyllis still has not moved into my home. She has never moved any of her personal belongings in either. And she runs home to her mother's house six days a week.
When I try to talk to Phyllis about this, she tells me she will bring her "stuff" over, but then she returns to her mother's and nothing changes. Please tell me what to do.
-- LONELY SPOUSE IN NEW JERSEY

Dear Eyes Wide Shut in Soprano-ville,

Eight years is 2,920 days of opportunities for you to have sniffed out what is obviously someone with separation issues. Your antenna must be the non-digital kind and on the fritz...fortunately, the government has delayed once again the transition to Digital and you won't be with out TV until June.

Dude, you walked into this with either the poorest set of eyes, ears and gray matter imaginable or you did what far too many do,...assumed the ring and ceremony would cure what ails Phillis.
Moreover, you have validated her behavior for 5 years and hence laying down the law now will seem capricious but jump over that objection...you aren't married except in the eyes of the state which means you have the worst of both worlds.

Run don't walk to the nearest exit unless you are willing to have mom move in with you, or I know a guy named Tony who might be able to help you out of this jam.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Sick of the Ex-Factor

DEAR CR-ABBY:
From the time when I was a teen, whenever a romance of mine ended, my mother would continue having her own relationship with the ex, regardless of how I felt about it.
Over the years she has attended my ex-husband's wedding, still visits with my former high school boyfriend, contacts my sister's ex-boyfriend -- the list goes on and on. Not surprisingly, this issue has generated some heated exchanges.
Now my adult daughter is experiencing the same thing. She recently ended a three-year relationship, and guess where Mother ended up? She drove 20 miles to visit him in his store, although there are plenty of other stores she could have gone to nearby.
I have long felt that I didn't matter much to her since my exes were so important to her. But seeing the pain this has brought to my daughter makes me furious all over again. Should we just never introduce her to anyone in our lives until the wedding?
-- SICK OF THE EX-FACTOR

Dear Invasion of the Ex-In-Law Time Snatchers,

I agree that the behavior is curious and not conventional but if she is attending these "ex" events on her own and you aren't there...where is the injury?
Are you simply upset because mommy didn't decide to hate the other team in the post break-up era?

If so, I think you need to reassess your position/emotions.
Ex-husband/wife/etc is not code for "my enemy"...unless you make it so. There are injuries and pain that accompanies any marriage dissolution but keeping score the way you propose perpetuates the pain when you should be mitigating and moving on.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Concenred in Buck County, PA

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My 19-year-old grandson, "Fletcher," an average boy with good looks, is becoming as exhibitionist. He flaunts his body on almost every occasion. When people are around, he goes into his room and emerges minutes later without his shirt, naked to the waist, with his pants dropping down almost showing places we do not wish to see. He struts around, going from room to room, all the while his pants slipping even lower. Fletcher then usually changes into shorts, which also slide down and reveal more than the public should be viewing.
Fletcher does this whether it's hot or cold, in the house or outside. His behavior is not normal. He seems to be doing this stripping thing more and more, regardless of where he is. At our house over the holidays, he found an excuse to remove his shirt to show his abs. He's constantly exercising and working out and is always ready to pull open his shirt to show the results.
I don't know where exhibitionism at this age leads, but I'm sure the road is not a healthy trail to travel. Does all of this seem normal to you, Cr-Abby, and could you comment on it?
-- CONCERNED IN BUCKS COUNTY, PA

Dear Phlash Phobic near Philly,

Fletcher is just working the crowd as a pre-step to his run for governor....Ed Rendell may not look the part but here in California we have the Governator and while he sucks as a political Leader he did have some nice pecs.

So, next time Fletcher Fly is Flung Open just remember, he isn't being immodest he is just trying to connect with the people.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Upset Mom in Bellflower

DEAR CR-ABBY:

My daughter's 15-year-old friend "Willa" no longer comes over to our house. When I asked my daughter why, she said my husband told Willa she was getting fat. Willa told her mother, and her mother told her not to visit us anymore.
I confronted my husband and told him his comment was rude and that
he should never have said it. My husband says I'm wrong, making a huge deal out of nothing and he did not mean anything by it. As a mother, I would not appreciate a grown man making comments about my daughter's body.
Am I wrong to think my husband's remark is a form of sexual harassment, even though it was not in the workplace?
-- UPSET MOM IN BELLFLOWER

Dear PC Police in Mexico North,

Help me out here,...is your question "I am right to be angry and my husband and was he wrong" -OR- Are you really looking for the further legal validation that he has crossed into "sexual harassment" territory.
Why is his rudeness anymore or less rude if we can tag it with one of the hot "Not PC" labels?

Isn't the more germane question..."My husband was an idiot and doesn't recognize the injury he caused YOUR daughter" (not to mention the little plumper down the street)...how do I fix this?

Here's what you do,...take one more stab at getting Archie Bunker to "get it" using the phrase,..."do you see that this hurt our daughter as much as it hurt our neighbor"? If the answer is still..."ain't no thang"...then plan "B"....
Wait until his best friend comes over, you know "J.W." the one with gut that hides his Bronco Billy Belt Buckle... In a clear loud bello..."say, hey,..is that a solar eclipse or did J.W. just walk in?"
Then maybe he get a clue.

Meanwhile, go over and have a chat with the family and apologize for the comment (even though you weren't the perp). Make a nice play date for FREE WILLY and your daughter to reconnect on neutral territory like the "All You Can Eat Trough Section" at Ben and Jerry's Emporium.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Lost Our Mom Too

DEAR CR- ABBY,

Last year, my elderly father fell, suffering a head injury that caused his death. Dad had a chronic illness that kept him housebound during the last year of his life.
Prior to his death, my mother began corresponding with, and inviting, an old high school boyfriend to visit. (He lived six hours away.) This man, "Milton," moved in with Mother while my father was still alive.
Mom has been with Milton ever since, first at her home and now at his winter home down south. My siblings and I are aghast at her behavior. She phones and sends cheery e-mails as if she were on an extended holiday and having the time of her life. Meanwhile, we are still mourning our father's loss.
We have tried to share our feelings with her, but she refuses to acknowledge them. She says she "understands," but we don't think she does. Otherwise, why would she move away from her children at this sad time?
-- LOST OUR MOTHER, TOO

Dear Lost Child in Aisle Number Selfish,

Your mom by all accounts had a good life with your dad until the end where she reached out to an old boy for comfort which has obviously morphed into more.
The question you might want to reflect on is why did your mom have to seek support outside of the family during your fathers' last days...maybe the kids were too busy to pitch in?

Your mother didn't fall off the planet she is living south of you...there are planes, trains and automobiles to make reconnecting nothing more than a small trip.
Relationships require an investment or they wane,...did you deposit enough time, heart and energy into the relationship sustainment bank to demand such a withdrawal during your mother's mourning period?

I think not!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Too Close for Comfort in Sacramento

DEAR CR-ABBY:

My dad recently married someone much younger, so my sister and I have a new stepmom. "Tori" has no children of her own. She's nice, but she's trying too hard.She constantly tries to make "girl talk" about personal things that girls our age talk about with sisters and friends, but not their parents. She also insists on doing things together during our visitations. She takes us clothes shopping and tries to tell us what we should wear.Tori never knocks before coming into the room where we stay at Dad's, even when she knows we're getting dressed. She says, "We're all girls." She actually spends more time with us that our dad does, but there is such a thing as too much attention.Tori is now planning an "all girls weekend" for the three of us. Because we'll be sharing one hotel room, there won't be a minute's peace from her. We don't want to hurt her feelings since she's trying so hard -- unlike friends of ours who have the opposite problem with their stepmoms.How can we discuss boundaries without hurting her feelings?

-- TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

Dear Suffocating from Stepitis,

Hey, it could be worse,..you could be locked in the Capitol building in Sacramento where Union-tied Demo-cants and Business-tied Republ-icants can't agree on a budget. Trust me, those fat SOB's up close in close quarters make your step mom's over-zealous intrusions pale by comparison.

You are just going to have to come clean and tell her how you feel. Tell Tori that you don't like your own mom being that close or coming in without knocking so she shouldn't take it personally.Step-parents have it rough and they (usually) just want to fit in as a normal member of the family....The "step" prefix seems to suggest it should be done in "steps"...maybe that's the best way to explain it, but remember the "step-ee" feels like he/she is on the outside looking in and that isn't comfortable either.

Cr-Abby

PS; Give Dad a heads up on te issue BEFORE you talk to Tori, he'll be better prepared when he gets the translated version.

Dear Cr-Abby from Frantic Mom in Philadelphia

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Our son, "Adam," is 24 and lives at home. He had some kind of mental breakdown at school -- no one will tell us what he had -- and he says he's too depressed to work or go back to school.
Adam stays in his room all day watching TV. He's on medication, but I don't think he's taking it regularly. His doctor refuses to talk to us because Adam won't give her permission to do so.
Cr-Abby, we don't know what to do. Should we let him stay in his room or make him go to work? How can we make him take his medicine? What if he kills himself? We love our son and want to help him, but we don't know how.
-- FRANTIC MOM IN PHILADELPHIA

Dear Eagle-tte Flys Over the Coo Coo's Nest Back to Mom,

I have no idea how to help.

That said, I need to talk to you right away...please call. I had a really bad day at work and am not sure I can go on. I'm going to move in with you and watch TV and eat Cheeto's till my toes turn orange.

My Dr. says I need my rest but I'm not going to tell you why nor do I think I have the coping skills to contribute anything for rent. He gave me some meds but I don't want to take them because when I watch South park on my meds, I don't get the humor.

Thanks Mom, see you Tuesday. What time is breakfast? I like my eggs poached,...no make that coddled just like how you have coddled your 24 year old Egg head. Get his bum butt outta bed and back in the game. Life gave him a kick and he needs to learn how to take a punch, get up and move on.

Cr-Abby

PS; In the off chance that this is more than a wimp going into hibernation in mommy's cave, have him turned over to a "mental care facility" for inpatient care..let them handle the eggs.

Dar Cr-Abby from Ghost Writer

Dear Friends,
As you may know, I faithfully provide advice everyday as a public service. I take the dribble spouting out from Dear Abby's column and send a response that is a tad edgier. . I am sad to report that today's letter was so bad I couldn't even find a edge worthy of my attention and time. Hence, I have opted to ghost write the letter and response below;

Dear Cr-Abby,

My husband (lets' call him Klutz) is sweet, kind and good man...we met in high school and married shortly after graduation. Klutz is a good provider, a good father and attentive to me with one major exception.

In bed he is mechanical and tries hard but when he errr uhmmm goes south to "satisfy me" he doesn't have a clue and it is not enjoyable at all. I am embarrassed to admit that I have made the problem worse by "faking it".

Now he thinks he is Don Juan and all I get is slobbery but not sated.

What can I do without crushing his ego.

Unsatisfied in Utica

Dear Not Getting Good Nookie in New York,

I knew a guy who wanted to be famous chef but he had no talent nor knowledge about cooking. Fortunately, a little rat who was a good cook but obviously couldnt be seen in any kitchen formed a symbiotic relationship and got the job done (see photo below).

Take matters into your own hands and give his hair a tug in the right direction so that he can find your Rosemary in Thyme.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Mary in Albuquerque

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I'm writing regarding the letter from "San Diego Sinner" (Nov. 21), whose mother says wearing thong underwear is sinful. Cr- Abby, that mother may not have known a better way to express her views. I believe she was trying to protect her daughters from males who might view the absence of a pantyline as a "signal" that they are sexually available. The issue here isn't underwear; it's the girls' lack of trust in their mother. They should accept their mom's ruling as an indication of her love and concern for them. Her attitude may be quaint, but she loves them or she wouldn't be concerned.

-- MARY IN ALBUQUERQUE

Dear Thong May Send Wrong Signal to Dong,

I realize that Albuquerque is in a different time zone, but I wasn't aware it was in a different century.

Thongs are the norm and free bushing is the new Thong...kind of like 50 is the new 30 (we're all hoping).

Men, Boys and the neighbor's dog do not "pick up the scent" because a girl is or is not wearing a thong. You have to be less subtle with us knuckle draggers. Tattoos that say..."do me", "lick here" and "Mom's a MILF" are the kind of bang on the head we need to "get the signal".

The craziest women (in the bed dept) I ever errr uhmm met were those repressed church choir types who were forced to wear the tighty whities...repression works like a spring, the tighter you wind it, the further its going to go.

Cr-Abby