DEAR CR-ABBY:
From the time when I was a teen, whenever a romance of mine ended, my mother would continue having her own relationship with the ex, regardless of how I felt about it.
Over the years she has attended my ex-husband's wedding, still visits with my former high school boyfriend, contacts my sister's ex-boyfriend -- the list goes on and on. Not surprisingly, this issue has generated some heated exchanges.
Now my adult daughter is experiencing the same thing. She recently ended a three-year relationship, and guess where Mother ended up? She drove 20 miles to visit him in his store, although there are plenty of other stores she could have gone to nearby.
I have long felt that I didn't matter much to her since my exes were so important to her. But seeing the pain this has brought to my daughter makes me furious all over again. Should we just never introduce her to anyone in our lives until the wedding?
-- SICK OF THE EX-FACTOR
From the time when I was a teen, whenever a romance of mine ended, my mother would continue having her own relationship with the ex, regardless of how I felt about it.
Over the years she has attended my ex-husband's wedding, still visits with my former high school boyfriend, contacts my sister's ex-boyfriend -- the list goes on and on. Not surprisingly, this issue has generated some heated exchanges.
Now my adult daughter is experiencing the same thing. She recently ended a three-year relationship, and guess where Mother ended up? She drove 20 miles to visit him in his store, although there are plenty of other stores she could have gone to nearby.
I have long felt that I didn't matter much to her since my exes were so important to her. But seeing the pain this has brought to my daughter makes me furious all over again. Should we just never introduce her to anyone in our lives until the wedding?
-- SICK OF THE EX-FACTOR
Dear Invasion of the Ex-In-Law Time Snatchers,
I agree that the behavior is curious and not conventional but if she is attending these "ex" events on her own and you aren't there...where is the injury?
Are you simply upset because mommy didn't decide to hate the other team in the post break-up era?
If so, I think you need to reassess your position/emotions.
Ex-husband/wife/etc is not code for "my enemy"...unless you make it so. There are injuries and pain that accompanies any marriage dissolution but keeping score the way you propose perpetuates the pain when you should be mitigating and moving on.
Ex-husband/wife/etc is not code for "my enemy"...unless you make it so. There are injuries and pain that accompanies any marriage dissolution but keeping score the way you propose perpetuates the pain when you should be mitigating and moving on.
Cr-Abby
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