Dear Cr-Abby from Disconcerted in New York

DEAR CR-ABBY:

My father left my mother for a woman I'll call "Sheila" he met at work. I was only 7. My brother was 9 at the time; he committed suicide at the age of 20.
My father and Sheila eventually married and had four children who are now grown. Their oldest was born while my parents were still legally married.
My mother never wanted a divorce. She gave him one reluctantly when she knew all was lost, but she never got over it. Although Mom never said an unkind word about my father, she was never the same woman. Basically, she devoted her life to my brother and me, her home and her full-time job. She died last year after a brief illness, and my father didn't even attend the funeral.
Two weeks ago, I received a long letter from one of Dad and Sheila's kids. In it she told me that she had nothing to do with what happened, so couldn't we get to know one another? She extended an open invitation to lunch or dinner.
The thought of getting close to the offspring of the woman who broke up my parents' marriage and caused my mother so much pain is surreal. Abby, what do you think I should do?
-- DISCONCERTED IN NEW YORK

Dear Disconnected from Big Apple Tree,

It is obvious that you harbor a great deal of anger towards your father...some with good reason the rest a matter of piling on. You infer in your letter that your brothers suicide was a subsequent reaction to your fathers leaving. You don't offer any indication of your father's involvement or support which may mean there wasnt any but given the tone of your letter I think you would have tossed that into the guilt salad.

You also either don't know or didn't share as Paul Harvey would say..."the rest of the story". You don't know what the cause of the marriage dissolution was other than the "other woman" which is usually a symptom not a cause. That all said, you dad isn't part of your life and you don't seem to be inclined to reconnect.

Hence, I am left with a puzzle without the last piece in the box. Why did your half-siblings reachout? What is their motivation? Could it be daddy behind the scenes sending out emissaries? That is sort of how we deal with Iran (we go through the Swiss as we have no direct diplomatic relationship).

If there was no interaction as you grew up (between his kids and you and your brother) it seems odd that they would reach out now all on their own.
Your mother is gone, your brother is gone and you are estranged from your father. That's a tough triple play to field. I'm going to go way out on a limb here and suggests;

a) Daddy was a bit better than you paint him here
b) Your mother playing martyr was not a healthy reaction for you or your brother
c) Your brother killed himself for reasons other than dad's leaving
d) You have decided out of mental convenience to blame daddy for everything
e) He is reaching out to help you using his kids as the ambassadors
f) You probably need a little couch time with a pro

However, as to the invite to connect. I would politely defer the invite (say not right now, but maybe in a month or two) while you tend to your own clockwork repair. Then as you learn more about yourself make a more informed decision as to your relationship with Dad.

Cr-Abby