FOR ESTRANGED SISTER, CASUAL QUERIES ARE A THORNY ISSUE
DEAR CR-ABBY:
My sister, "Shannon," and I had a major falling out years ago and I haven't spoken to her or her family since -- except briefly, when we had to make arrangements for our father's funeral three years ago. Shannon is 17 years older than me, married with two grown children. I'm perfectly OK with this arrangement. In fact, I prefer it, and I'm sure they do, too.
The problem is, I recently moved to the same county they live in and have run into several old acquaintances who have asked, "Aren't you Shannon's sister?" or, "How are your nieces doing? I heard one recently had a baby."
Cr-Abby, I no longer consider myself to be Shannon's sister. I have no idea how my nieces are or if one of them had a baby. How should I respond to these well-meaning people? If I tell them I no longer have contact with them, it will lead to questions I'd rather not answer. How do I politely deal with this without opening up my personal life for discussion?
DEAR CR-ABBY:
My sister, "Shannon," and I had a major falling out years ago and I haven't spoken to her or her family since -- except briefly, when we had to make arrangements for our father's funeral three years ago. Shannon is 17 years older than me, married with two grown children. I'm perfectly OK with this arrangement. In fact, I prefer it, and I'm sure they do, too.
The problem is, I recently moved to the same county they live in and have run into several old acquaintances who have asked, "Aren't you Shannon's sister?" or, "How are your nieces doing? I heard one recently had a baby."
Cr-Abby, I no longer consider myself to be Shannon's sister. I have no idea how my nieces are or if one of them had a baby. How should I respond to these well-meaning people? If I tell them I no longer have contact with them, it will lead to questions I'd rather not answer. How do I politely deal with this without opening up my personal life for discussion?
-- SHANNON'S FORMER SISTER
Dear Sister Sledgehammer,
An unmended fall out fence that is 17 years old? WOW, that must be some strong ass mortar you used to build your enclosure. If as you say "you are fine with it" then why not answer this routine and causal queries with a simple "my sister and I dont really keep up with one another these days"?
No, you wrote this letter because when you are asked by normal people, normal questions your guilt monster grows and you feel stupid and estranged due to your own stubborn pride that has trumped relationships with family. The initial reason maybe you yours or your sisters fault,..it's usually a team effort to f-up that bad, but these last 17 years (especially after the opportunity to bond at your fathers funeral went unused) is all on you.
No, you wrote this letter because when you are asked by normal people, normal questions your guilt monster grows and you feel stupid and estranged due to your own stubborn pride that has trumped relationships with family. The initial reason maybe you yours or your sisters fault,..it's usually a team effort to f-up that bad, but these last 17 years (especially after the opportunity to bond at your fathers funeral went unused) is all on you.
So, if you are totally comfortable with the separation then quit asking stupid questions about the logical consequences of that decision. (Dont even get me started on your reasons for moving closer). You and probably your sister are conflicted and in denial. You both know deep in your souls your separation is unnatural and the consequences of that are weighing on you. Think about what your sister has to explain to her daughters.
So, go lie down at $200 an hour and get the crud cleaned out of your cranium or swallow your pride and pick up the phone and have coffee with sis and see if reconnecting is possible in slow easy steps.
Cr-Abby
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