Dear Cr-Abby from Heartsick in Kansas

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My heart is broken. I don't know how to fix it, and sometimes I want to kill myself. I'm in love with my children's father and he knows it. "Brad" comes over to have sex with me, but we're not together. He tells me he's single, but I know he's with someone else. I want him to be honest -- give me that much respect -- because I have two kids by him.
Brad is the only person I'm having sex with. I told him I'm getting too old to play games. I'm trying to get on with my life, but still we have sex.
When do I say enough is enough? I tell Brad I need to drop the kids off, and he tells me no. But I need some alone time, too. If I had known our relationship would turn out like this, I would never have gotten involved with him. I love him with all my heart. Please tell me what to do. -- HEARTSICK IN KANSAS

Dear BrainWhacked in Wichita,

First a disclaimer and a moment of seriousness...if you truly harbor feelings of self-harm STOP, PICK UP THE PHONE CALL a Crisis Center or 911 and get help. The kids need their mom especially in light of a part time/absentee father.
Now, to the matter at hand...

You need to give up any illusions that you have a relationship with your children's father. You have an arrangement and judging by your letter a pretty one sided one at that. You can't nag yourself out of a deal already struck because you have no leverage...you need legal counsel.

The father has responsibilities and he needs to own up to them and decide how much to pay and how much time to spend. He does not have to decide to spend anytime with you. Please let that sink in before you further devalue yourself into this no-win scenario.

You need to separate the issue of providing for the children's needs and providing for your emotional needs...they are only intertwined when you view them through the eyes of this walking turd called daddy.

Handle the legal issue with the father and establish court appointed rules of the road. Concurrently cut him off from your orafice(s) unless he is willing able and for a sustained period of time talk to you and engage you as a person...but don't hold out any hope of that....the strong probability is that he is gone with the wind. Which may seem worse to you than the status quo, but at least he won't be using you and your kids won't witness a bizarre life thinking it is normal to treat women in this manner.

Then get some personal help with your esteem issues and once that work is done...find/make time to establish friendships of mutual benefit. One of those may grow into the love you seek but NONE OF THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE YOUR BRAIN IS IN THE SHOP.

Cr-Abby