ABUSE SURVIVOR FEARS TO TELL NEW GIRLFRIEND ABOUT HIS PAST
DEAR CR-ABBY: I am a 33-year-old man who has never been in a serious relationship until now. I have been seeing "Stephie" for eight months and think I may be in love with her.
I have successfully managed to evade Stephie's questions about my past and got away with it until recently. She keeps asking me about the scars on my body. (I was physically abused by my parents when I was a child.) Regrettably, I lied to her about the nature of the scars.
Stephie wants to be married and start a family, and so do I. She wants her kids to have a great dad, and I think I can be a very good parent. I would never do to my kids what was done to me.
On the one hand, I want an open, honest relationship with her. On the other, I'm afraid if I tell her the truth she will leave me, and I'll spiral into another five-year depression I may not be able to escape from.
My parents are both dead now, so I could continue to lie without Stephie ever knowing. But I get the feeling she doesn't entirely believe what I've been telling her. What should I do?
DEAR CR-ABBY: I am a 33-year-old man who has never been in a serious relationship until now. I have been seeing "Stephie" for eight months and think I may be in love with her.
I have successfully managed to evade Stephie's questions about my past and got away with it until recently. She keeps asking me about the scars on my body. (I was physically abused by my parents when I was a child.) Regrettably, I lied to her about the nature of the scars.
Stephie wants to be married and start a family, and so do I. She wants her kids to have a great dad, and I think I can be a very good parent. I would never do to my kids what was done to me.
On the one hand, I want an open, honest relationship with her. On the other, I'm afraid if I tell her the truth she will leave me, and I'll spiral into another five-year depression I may not be able to escape from.
My parents are both dead now, so I could continue to lie without Stephie ever knowing. But I get the feeling she doesn't entirely believe what I've been telling her. What should I do?
-- SURVIVOR IN OHIO
You have a tiny band-aid trying to mask a huge wound...it ain't working. Here's what you have to do,...
1) Tell yourself 16,000 times (more if necessary) I was abused, it wasn't my fault. It also wasn't Stephies' fault and you can't move forward with her without fixing what she doesnt deserve to inherit.
2) Tell your girlfriend that your feelings for her have inspired you to come clean and to do what is necessary to prepare for a deeper level of the relationship. Tell her the truth, you don;t have to take the deep dive in the story telling (your scars, will add whatever color to the ordeal necessary).
3) Then tell her, because you love her, you are going to start seeing a professional to deal with these here-to-for buried issues with the goal of returning to her in good shape and prepared to move forward...(the batting order here is critical). Truth-Mend-Reconnect
4) Go get some couch time with a pro,...seek specialists in this area and do the work necessary.
Cr-Abby
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