Dear Cr-Abby from Going Through the Motions in Illinois

DEAR CR-ABBY:

Two years ago, my husband of 25 years, "Glen," discovered that I'd had an affair 10 years earlier. After he found out, he couldn't sleep or eat, had recurring nightmares about the affair and was suicidal. He says it is still the first thing that pops into his mind when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep. Neither of us thinks he will ever be able to get over it.
Glen doesn't want to be married to someone who would lie and cheat, and I don't want to be married to someone who can't love me. Actually, I don't think I love him, either. We have discussed divorce many times but it always comes down to our kids.
They are all on their own, but they would be devastated if we divorced -- especially if they knew what caused it. We don't want them to go through the pain that Glen has gone through. We love them and cherish the times we still have together as a family. If we were to divorce, it would never be the same.
Are we crazy to stay together for the kids?
-- GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS IN ILLINOIS

Dear Deceptive Dancer/Desperate Housewife Near Des Plaines,

Glen can't trust you, you can't love someone who can't trust you...Ergo "fold the tent time" is being pondered. I found it enlightening that you spent a scant three words on your ownership in this debacle...which I surmise is the genesis for Glen's lack of healing.

If you are simply asking if staying together for the kids is the right thing to do,...I think you are asking for permission to indulge yourself.
If you care about the kids, you and Glen will invest in counseling where you both will have to demonstrate your caring for the kids by giving the effort an honest chance.

Marriage is not bliss, although there is occasional bliss. Many of the fondness memories come from family outings and events even though the fire below may not burn as it once did.

Do yourself, Glen and the kids a favor...get some help before you take your E-ticket to the Selfish A## Exit. After you have made that honest attempt, you may ponder the other possibilities. For now, lock those away and bring your contrite heart and open mind to an expert...IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS.

Now Buggar Off,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Happy Mom in Chester, VT

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I am a physician and mother of a toddler who understands "New Mom in Las Vegas" (Nov. 4), the woman who is concerned because she finds playing with her 8-month-old tedious. While postpartum depression should be ruled out, it is not uncommon for an adult woman to be bored by endless hours of playing with blocks and rattles. Raising a child is the most rewarding, loving and, yes, sometimes boring job a person can take on. Suggesting that women are good mothers only if they are constantly enthralled with children's activities sets them up for feelings of failure and inadequacy.Getting out of the house for any activity, such as a walk or a trip to the library or store, helps relieve the tedium. Most experts urge new mothers to take personal time away from their children as a way to maintain their sense of individuality and perspective. If reading or going online recharges "Mom," it should not be considered an unhealthy escape. A final word: The new dad should help his partner feel appreciated and practice his own parenting skills by giving her a break from child care. -- HAPPY MOM IN CHESTER, VT.

Dear Fairy Dust Distributor in Havana North,

We men can't catch a break when it comes to the "mysterys of motherhood" and their "coven of co-conspirators"....

First, we either catch the A-train to forced marriage or b) get to sign up for an 18 year stint of monthly payments with no car or house asset involved or get to be the guilt ridden spectator as baby becomes a bag of incovenient bio-hazard waste...or we get this laundry list of life's little pleasures;

We get to listen to 9 months of idle prater as nesting instincts drive endless" tend to me" requests and mindless tribble about the various myths run amok as the preganancy process plays out.

Then we get 3 mos to 18 years of "my life is so hard raising these kid(s)" with medical industry cohorts pushing expensive pills to curb the "evils of postpartum depression" which in turn gives wifey a legitmate excuse to be a bea'tch anytime she wants...as it really isn't her fault.

Meanwhile, mom gets to raise the girl to grow up and be an ungrateful carbon twin of mom resulting in the nagging coming to you in stereo.

Or what's worse,..you fall in love with the new little one and she ensnares your heart more than you thought possible and then she turns 16 or so and smashes your chest squeezer on the rocks of ingratitude.

Hell of a price to pay for 14 minutes of gin-soaked nookie!

Fortunately most of us get to die sooner (usually from a heart attack from all the stress imposed on us) and escape the further insult of being ignore as you waste away in some stinking hole called The Sunny Acres Home for Disposable Dads.

Then mom can gets to share the retirement nest egg you built up with Juan the pool boy!

Yep, you ladies have it tough.

Cr-Abby

Dear Crabby from Frustrated Sis in Florida

MAN PESTERED BY EX-WIFE MUST ACT TO HELP HIS SON

DEAR CRABBY:

Parental alienation is a topic I have never seen addressed in your column. It is a problem with many divorces involving children. I think my brother is a victim of it. He lives in a different state than his little boy, but pays child support.
Cr-Abby, his ex continuously harasses him via text messaging and late-night phone calls, accusing him of things she thinks happened when they were together. You'd think she hasn't moved on, but she has a new husband!
She agreed that my brother could call his son twice a week, but she rarely answers the phone during these scheduled "visits." She is now trying harder to keep my brother out of his son's life. She even told my nephew that the presents my brother sent him for Christmas came from her new husband!
My brother can't afford a lawyer right now, but he is moving to Florida in the near future and I would like to help him resolve this issue. What are your thoughts on parental alienation?
-- FRUSTRATED SIS IN FLORIDA

Dear Simmering Sister in Sunshine State,

Crabby has been to this movie, seen the sequel and bought the t-shirt. Alienation has it's enablers (including it seems your ex-sister in-law) but parental separation from a child has one main criminal (the one being alienated). Usually this only happen when the parent allows the cracks that perhaps were started by someone else to grow.
What I mean to say is,...at some point either the father moved away from the boy or the ex-wife moved without the father following or engaging the issue legally. Since you and the ex are both in Florida I suspect daddy moved (probably for a job...I get it).
However, while society still paints the man's primary role as that of money earner, job one is really "being there" for your son/daughter (Crabby has made that bad left turn once before...no mas). I remember one Christmas my ex-asked for an extra $400 so my daughter could have a puppy. I paid and later learned that ex-wifey told my daughter that it was from the new hubby. I was really angry! However on reflection I realize that injury was only made possible because I wasnt there to give it to her myself (despite the evil enabler).
As you are in the same state as your nephew, why dont you assert yourself and nurture a relationship with your nephew and then help get your brother to get his butt back to Dangling Chad-ville.

If ex-wifey continues to pull the same stuff...your brother will be in a better position to engage both legally and emotionally,

Crabby

Dear Cr-Abby from Wants to Disclose

MOM BEARS BRUNT OF DAUGHTER'S ANGER OVER PARENTS' DIVORCE

DEAR CR- ABBY:

My husband cheated on me, so I decided to end the marriage. I didn't tell anyone the true reason behind the divorce because I wanted to keep it private.
My 14-year-old daughter is extremely angry with me and blames me for the divorce. Her father can do no wrong in her eyes. I have custody, and our house has become a war zone.
So far, I have revealed no details to her except that we both love her and our marriage simply did not work out. I am tempted to tell her the truth, hoping we can call a truce and try to get our relationship back on track. Is this a bad idea? -- WANTS TO DISCLOSE

Dear WMD (Weapons of Mom's Destruction),

There are two distinct and separate issues here...don't confuse the two. You have your 14 year olds disrespectful behavior and you have a divorce. Mothers and daughters go through these battles in homes that are in tact and those under seige.
Negatory on the disclosure!!!

First, there is no upside in dragging daddy into the fray...use his current "good standing" with your daughter to fix things...he knows what he did and if you pull him aside and share the problems and ask him to fix it,..HE may opt to fess up or HE may opt to simply lay down the law as to acceptable behavior with her interaction with you (I suggest the later).

If you reach for the NUKES (trashing Dad in a divorce details disclosure) you'll arm your daughter with more ammo without fixing the primary problem. Secondarily, full disclosure would include things that you may not want shared. If you only tell what your reasons for the divorce were, Dad may have to share things about you, including the reasons he stepped out in the first place. There will be no winners in that dirty laundry airing.

No, at 14 the real important stuff is not the break up of the home it falls on things like friends, clothes, boys, and bling. So, your true weapons of mass destruction are the embargo's you can impose...i.e. No Mall trips, No afer school friends time, No gift cards to Tillys, Sun Diego, and all those fun names for stores that sell $3 T-shirts for $35.

Good Luck,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Disconcerted in New York

DEAR CR-ABBY:

My father left my mother for a woman I'll call "Sheila" he met at work. I was only 7. My brother was 9 at the time; he committed suicide at the age of 20.
My father and Sheila eventually married and had four children who are now grown. Their oldest was born while my parents were still legally married.
My mother never wanted a divorce. She gave him one reluctantly when she knew all was lost, but she never got over it. Although Mom never said an unkind word about my father, she was never the same woman. Basically, she devoted her life to my brother and me, her home and her full-time job. She died last year after a brief illness, and my father didn't even attend the funeral.
Two weeks ago, I received a long letter from one of Dad and Sheila's kids. In it she told me that she had nothing to do with what happened, so couldn't we get to know one another? She extended an open invitation to lunch or dinner.
The thought of getting close to the offspring of the woman who broke up my parents' marriage and caused my mother so much pain is surreal. Abby, what do you think I should do?
-- DISCONCERTED IN NEW YORK

Dear Disconnected from Big Apple Tree,

It is obvious that you harbor a great deal of anger towards your father...some with good reason the rest a matter of piling on. You infer in your letter that your brothers suicide was a subsequent reaction to your fathers leaving. You don't offer any indication of your father's involvement or support which may mean there wasnt any but given the tone of your letter I think you would have tossed that into the guilt salad.

You also either don't know or didn't share as Paul Harvey would say..."the rest of the story". You don't know what the cause of the marriage dissolution was other than the "other woman" which is usually a symptom not a cause. That all said, you dad isn't part of your life and you don't seem to be inclined to reconnect.

Hence, I am left with a puzzle without the last piece in the box. Why did your half-siblings reachout? What is their motivation? Could it be daddy behind the scenes sending out emissaries? That is sort of how we deal with Iran (we go through the Swiss as we have no direct diplomatic relationship).

If there was no interaction as you grew up (between his kids and you and your brother) it seems odd that they would reach out now all on their own.
Your mother is gone, your brother is gone and you are estranged from your father. That's a tough triple play to field. I'm going to go way out on a limb here and suggests;

a) Daddy was a bit better than you paint him here
b) Your mother playing martyr was not a healthy reaction for you or your brother
c) Your brother killed himself for reasons other than dad's leaving
d) You have decided out of mental convenience to blame daddy for everything
e) He is reaching out to help you using his kids as the ambassadors
f) You probably need a little couch time with a pro

However, as to the invite to connect. I would politely defer the invite (say not right now, but maybe in a month or two) while you tend to your own clockwork repair. Then as you learn more about yourself make a more informed decision as to your relationship with Dad.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Only His Wife in Wilmington

DEAR CR-ABBY: I love dogs, but they're ruining my marriage. "Ivan" and I have been together 12 years, married for five. Six years ago, he had to put his aged, sickly pointer, "Sergeant," to sleep.
Two years ago, I began suggesting that we get another dog. I felt Ivan had mourned Sergeant long enough, and it was time for another. We found a lovely King Charles spaniel that we named Lili. We spent a lot of fun time with her that spring and summer, then thought a playmate might be good company for her during the day while we were at work. We found Branford, another spaniel.
At night we'd put both dogs in the kitchen, tell them goodnight, put up a gate and go to bed. But Branford would cry. I told Ivan he'd stop eventually, but Ivan couldn't just leave him, so he began bringing the two dogs into our bedroom and allowing them to sleep at the foot of our bed. I have pleaded with Ivan to return them downstairs, but he won't consider it.
Guess where they're sleeping today? IN the bed. Guess where I'm sleeping? On the couch downstairs.
We haven't been out on a date since the dogs arrived. We don't go out with friends because we must be back by 10 p.m. -- the dogs' bedtime, and Ivan's, too, of course. He is oblivious to me from the time he goes to bed with the dogs. We haven't had sex in a year.
Everything is about the dogs. He even prepares their meals from scratch each day -- boiled chicken with rice, peas and carrots. He says: "I told you I get attached to dogs. You said you wanted them; this is what you have to deal with." I am at my breaking point. Help! -- ONLY HIS WIFE IN WILMINGTON

Dear Delaware in the Dog Pound,

It's a "dog-eat-dog" world out there and clearly these two muts are giving your hubby something he finds lacking in you. You can either accept to compete with Rover and Spot for attention or affection or become a cat person (independent) and shop elsewhere to get your belly rubbed.

I suggest "B"

Option "A" could work if you really want it to but Cr-Abby has an idea...for plan "C".

Give Hubby a taste of the dog that bit you...Go shopping for a rottweiler or similar intimidating beast. Make sure the dog is a female (you know those nasty types) and very protective of you.. Feed it all manner of food to make the breath over-the-top in it's stench and then have it lay between you and hubby (faced his way). Maybe he'll get the hint and I'll bet the two other wimps will cower when Queen Spike takes the lead.

On second thought, pack a bag and find a new couch!

Cr-Abby