Dear Cr-Abby from Happy Mom in Chester, VT

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I am a physician and mother of a toddler who understands "New Mom in Las Vegas" (Nov. 4), the woman who is concerned because she finds playing with her 8-month-old tedious. While postpartum depression should be ruled out, it is not uncommon for an adult woman to be bored by endless hours of playing with blocks and rattles. Raising a child is the most rewarding, loving and, yes, sometimes boring job a person can take on. Suggesting that women are good mothers only if they are constantly enthralled with children's activities sets them up for feelings of failure and inadequacy.Getting out of the house for any activity, such as a walk or a trip to the library or store, helps relieve the tedium. Most experts urge new mothers to take personal time away from their children as a way to maintain their sense of individuality and perspective. If reading or going online recharges "Mom," it should not be considered an unhealthy escape. A final word: The new dad should help his partner feel appreciated and practice his own parenting skills by giving her a break from child care. -- HAPPY MOM IN CHESTER, VT.

Dear Fairy Dust Distributor in Havana North,

We men can't catch a break when it comes to the "mysterys of motherhood" and their "coven of co-conspirators"....

First, we either catch the A-train to forced marriage or b) get to sign up for an 18 year stint of monthly payments with no car or house asset involved or get to be the guilt ridden spectator as baby becomes a bag of incovenient bio-hazard waste...or we get this laundry list of life's little pleasures;

We get to listen to 9 months of idle prater as nesting instincts drive endless" tend to me" requests and mindless tribble about the various myths run amok as the preganancy process plays out.

Then we get 3 mos to 18 years of "my life is so hard raising these kid(s)" with medical industry cohorts pushing expensive pills to curb the "evils of postpartum depression" which in turn gives wifey a legitmate excuse to be a bea'tch anytime she wants...as it really isn't her fault.

Meanwhile, mom gets to raise the girl to grow up and be an ungrateful carbon twin of mom resulting in the nagging coming to you in stereo.

Or what's worse,..you fall in love with the new little one and she ensnares your heart more than you thought possible and then she turns 16 or so and smashes your chest squeezer on the rocks of ingratitude.

Hell of a price to pay for 14 minutes of gin-soaked nookie!

Fortunately most of us get to die sooner (usually from a heart attack from all the stress imposed on us) and escape the further insult of being ignore as you waste away in some stinking hole called The Sunny Acres Home for Disposable Dads.

Then mom can gets to share the retirement nest egg you built up with Juan the pool boy!

Yep, you ladies have it tough.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Baffled in NY

DEAR CR-ABBY: My daughter, "Giselle," is scheduled to have serious surgery soon, and she has forbidden us to come to the hospital. She wants only her husband to be there.
She has gone so far as to call us and make me promise that we will not come. She says we need to respect that she is a grown woman in her late 40s, and this is her decision and her way of dealing with the situation.
Giselle lives two hours from us, and she said she will let us know when we can visit for a few days. Her husband will contact us as soon as the doctor talks to him after surgery. But Giselle says that she simply "does not want to be surrounded by family."
I feel like we are being treated like family pets -- come when you're called; otherwise, stay out of the way. Up to this point we had a close relationship with her. We cannot understand her attitude. What do you think,Cr- Abby?
-- BAFFLED IN NEW YORK

Dear Bewildered in Buffalo,

The nature of the illness, the cause, the surgery or the nature of the risk maybe a very private, personal and scarry event for your daughter.
She clearly has decided not to add "maintenancing the family" to the list of things to worry about.

If you want to you could stealthy call your son-in-law and confirm with him that your non-involvement is what is best for all concerned right now. Unless he gives you a green light to hang out in the waiting room...stay away.
It is natural for a parent to want to support/protect a child regardless of age...try to think of it this way. If she has less to worry about she stands a better chance to recover.

So for now, your role is to pray but not pry.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Overwhlemed in Cincy

MOM'S DESCENT INTO ALZHEIMER'S CONSUMES HER DAUGHTER'S LIFE
DEAR CR-ABBY:
My beautiful, loving mother is now in the middle stages of Alzheimer's disease. This cruel disease has robbed her of her memories as well as the ability to reason and function.
She held my hand through every trial and triumph in my life, and I want to support her the way she has always supported me. But caring for Mama is becoming more and more difficult as she drifts further and further away. Not only am I caring for my mother, I also have a career and three children.
I have so little time to myself. From the financial considerations to the behavioral challenges to safety concerns, I can't keep my head above water. Please tell me what to do. -- OVERWHELMED IN CINCINNATI

Dear Over the Rainbow in Bengaltown,

Your mom wiped your ass for 2 years and now it's your turn. (okay got the smart ass poke out of the way) let's get to work...

This has to be the cruelest ailment of mother natures arsenal and no one who hasn't been touched by it's forces can relate. Cr-Abby has been touched by this (although thankfully not yet personally, some might argue that assertion).
First, stop and think about your mother in all of those supporting moments and memories you have before this disease took root.

You must know your mother more than anyone else would not want you overwhelmed by anything, much less anything concerning her. You must decide where your limits are and avail yourself of the support necessary...it is not selfish to do so...YOU ARE SIMPLY DOING WHAT YOUR MOTHER WOULD HAVE WANTED YOU TO DO HAD SHE THE OPPORTUNITY TO RELATE THOSE THOUGHTS BEFORE SHE LOST HER LUCIDITY.

So, follow what your mother's wishes were and are and do what you can but don't create two tragedies out of one. Protect yourself as your mother would if she could. She gave you those skills to protect yourself now use them.

Here is a link I am sure you have already visited,...but now go back there with the mindset of what you can do for you, so that you can do for her. http://www.alz.org/index.asp

Best Wishes,

Cr-Abby on the Soft Shell

Dear Cr-Abby from Wants to Disclose

MOM BEARS BRUNT OF DAUGHTER'S ANGER OVER PARENTS' DIVORCE

DEAR CR- ABBY:

My husband cheated on me, so I decided to end the marriage. I didn't tell anyone the true reason behind the divorce because I wanted to keep it private.
My 14-year-old daughter is extremely angry with me and blames me for the divorce. Her father can do no wrong in her eyes. I have custody, and our house has become a war zone.
So far, I have revealed no details to her except that we both love her and our marriage simply did not work out. I am tempted to tell her the truth, hoping we can call a truce and try to get our relationship back on track. Is this a bad idea? -- WANTS TO DISCLOSE

Dear WMD (Weapons of Mom's Destruction),

There are two distinct and separate issues here...don't confuse the two. You have your 14 year olds disrespectful behavior and you have a divorce. Mothers and daughters go through these battles in homes that are in tact and those under seige.
Negatory on the disclosure!!!

First, there is no upside in dragging daddy into the fray...use his current "good standing" with your daughter to fix things...he knows what he did and if you pull him aside and share the problems and ask him to fix it,..HE may opt to fess up or HE may opt to simply lay down the law as to acceptable behavior with her interaction with you (I suggest the later).

If you reach for the NUKES (trashing Dad in a divorce details disclosure) you'll arm your daughter with more ammo without fixing the primary problem. Secondarily, full disclosure would include things that you may not want shared. If you only tell what your reasons for the divorce were, Dad may have to share things about you, including the reasons he stepped out in the first place. There will be no winners in that dirty laundry airing.

No, at 14 the real important stuff is not the break up of the home it falls on things like friends, clothes, boys, and bling. So, your true weapons of mass destruction are the embargo's you can impose...i.e. No Mall trips, No afer school friends time, No gift cards to Tillys, Sun Diego, and all those fun names for stores that sell $3 T-shirts for $35.

Good Luck,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Disconcerted in New York

DEAR CR-ABBY:

My father left my mother for a woman I'll call "Sheila" he met at work. I was only 7. My brother was 9 at the time; he committed suicide at the age of 20.
My father and Sheila eventually married and had four children who are now grown. Their oldest was born while my parents were still legally married.
My mother never wanted a divorce. She gave him one reluctantly when she knew all was lost, but she never got over it. Although Mom never said an unkind word about my father, she was never the same woman. Basically, she devoted her life to my brother and me, her home and her full-time job. She died last year after a brief illness, and my father didn't even attend the funeral.
Two weeks ago, I received a long letter from one of Dad and Sheila's kids. In it she told me that she had nothing to do with what happened, so couldn't we get to know one another? She extended an open invitation to lunch or dinner.
The thought of getting close to the offspring of the woman who broke up my parents' marriage and caused my mother so much pain is surreal. Abby, what do you think I should do?
-- DISCONCERTED IN NEW YORK

Dear Disconnected from Big Apple Tree,

It is obvious that you harbor a great deal of anger towards your father...some with good reason the rest a matter of piling on. You infer in your letter that your brothers suicide was a subsequent reaction to your fathers leaving. You don't offer any indication of your father's involvement or support which may mean there wasnt any but given the tone of your letter I think you would have tossed that into the guilt salad.

You also either don't know or didn't share as Paul Harvey would say..."the rest of the story". You don't know what the cause of the marriage dissolution was other than the "other woman" which is usually a symptom not a cause. That all said, you dad isn't part of your life and you don't seem to be inclined to reconnect.

Hence, I am left with a puzzle without the last piece in the box. Why did your half-siblings reachout? What is their motivation? Could it be daddy behind the scenes sending out emissaries? That is sort of how we deal with Iran (we go through the Swiss as we have no direct diplomatic relationship).

If there was no interaction as you grew up (between his kids and you and your brother) it seems odd that they would reach out now all on their own.
Your mother is gone, your brother is gone and you are estranged from your father. That's a tough triple play to field. I'm going to go way out on a limb here and suggests;

a) Daddy was a bit better than you paint him here
b) Your mother playing martyr was not a healthy reaction for you or your brother
c) Your brother killed himself for reasons other than dad's leaving
d) You have decided out of mental convenience to blame daddy for everything
e) He is reaching out to help you using his kids as the ambassadors
f) You probably need a little couch time with a pro

However, as to the invite to connect. I would politely defer the invite (say not right now, but maybe in a month or two) while you tend to your own clockwork repair. Then as you learn more about yourself make a more informed decision as to your relationship with Dad.

Cr-Abby