WIFE'S TIGHT-FISTED MONEY POLICY PUTS MAN IN A BIND
DEAR CR-ABBY: I am in my 70s, on Social Security and in my second marriage. My wife, "Irene," is in her early 50s and holds a good job. She also holds the purse strings, and allows me $5 a week for coffee with my friends. I drive a little scooter, and Irene has given me a gas credit card so I can get around.
Last week, I told her that I need some underwear and asked her for her store credit card. She said she has a drawer full of nylon panties and that I should wear them instead. She said when they are worn out she will buy me some new men's underwear. She also said she didn't want to waste any money on me since the panties are still wearable.
What if someone finds out? Irene says that since I'm over 70 it doesn't matter. Do you think this is right? -- PREFERS BRIEFS
DEAR CR-ABBY: I am in my 70s, on Social Security and in my second marriage. My wife, "Irene," is in her early 50s and holds a good job. She also holds the purse strings, and allows me $5 a week for coffee with my friends. I drive a little scooter, and Irene has given me a gas credit card so I can get around.
Last week, I told her that I need some underwear and asked her for her store credit card. She said she has a drawer full of nylon panties and that I should wear them instead. She said when they are worn out she will buy me some new men's underwear. She also said she didn't want to waste any money on me since the panties are still wearable.
What if someone finds out? Irene says that since I'm over 70 it doesn't matter. Do you think this is right? -- PREFERS BRIEFS
Dear Ball-less Brief's,
If you sign off on the wifey's panty plan your castration will be complete and hence they'll fit nicely. Dude, look in the mirror did you play the Lion in the Wizard of Oz?,...and where is your income? You sound like that annoying lady in the First Alert commericals..."Help, I've fallen and I can't find my nuts"!
Obviously anyone reading this letter will react similarly and you haven't provided what must be some mitigating background info that would partially explain how you got to this point in a marriage. I'm left to wonder,..did you blow the family fortune, never work, don't you have your own SS check coming in on the 3rd of each month?
The dynamic of a marriage is a battle of wills (usually fought in a thousand subtle ways with an occasional nuclear exchange). There is never a real 50/50 result, that is a fantasy, but there is usually some form of tolerable parity. It sounds as if your record in marital military matches is 0-211. You wouldn't be French by chance?
Your problem goes way past your wife having pulled a wedgie over your wallet. You are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. You have been in prison so long you have grown accustom to the taste of her jailhouse grub and learned to enjoy your daily beatings from the guard.
I don't pretend to know your financial situation but there is always that greeter job at Wal-Mart where you can earn $7 an hour. Wally World is not a bad place to find a reasonable deal on boxers or whitey tighties (you have a choice well beyond panty's or briefs).
After all, this is America and only in American can you borrow money from the Chinese to buy Asian made textiles to wrap your shrinking red-white and BLUE scrotum sack in.
Pitch a Tent down by the river and find your balls.
Cr-Abby
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