Dear Cr-Abby from Mary in Winston OR

SISTER OBJECTS WHEN CALLS ARE BROADCAST ON SPEAKER PHONE
DEAR CR-ABBY: About a year ago, my sister, "Pam," and her husband bought a new telephone with all the features, including speaker, where everyone in the room can hear and contribute to the conversation.
Anytime anyone calls, they automatically punch the speaker button. I learned the hard way one day when I was discussing something very personal with Pam and heard her husband make a comment in the background.
I find speaker phones extremely rude. Pam will do dishes, work in the yard, even walk away to another room while we're talking, and I feel she doesn't give me her undivided attention. I've tried making subtle hints such as, "I'm sorry, but I can't hear you," but that hasn't worked.
Other family members feel the way I do and call her less often because they don't want a group discussion. I miss the private chats I used to share with Pam. Any suggestions? -- MARY IN WINSTON, ORE.

Dear Mary You Little Lamb,

Rather than telling your sister directly that you strongly prefer to speak to her on the phone without the "broad-cast" device, you sit down and write to me...not a very direct line to the solution I'd say!

What is the deal? Was she the older sister and you routinely were bullied? Now you can't stand up for yourself?

Here's what you do...next time you all get together for dinner bring a megaphone and at the appropriate time turn it on and ask her to pass the peas.
She'll obviously ask what the hell you are doing,...and then you can offer a trade;...you keep the megaphone at home, and she can find the mute speaker button on her phone.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Former Baby Sitter in Albany

A GOOD SITTER'S SERVICES GO TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER
DEAR CR-ABBY:

Regarding "Feels Like a Fool in Gainesville, Fla." (Aug. 11), who complained that her friend "stole" her baby sitter -- I have news for that woman. Baby sitters, even those under 18, aren't indentured servants who serve only one master. A baby sitter is a free agent who can work for anybody she wants. What is that baby sitter supposed to do -- keep her schedule open in the hope this woman is going to call her? What if she doesn't? The baby sitter loses income.
"Feels Like a Fool" is selfish. It's a free market, and baby sitters in demand should work for the families who pay them the most, have the best-behaved kids and offer the tastiest snacks. If someone wants an exclusive arrangement, then put the baby sitter on retainer.

-- FORMER BABY SITTER, ALBANY, N.Y.

Dear NY Capitol Caregiver Advocate,

Yep, money talks BS walks and loyalty is out the window...but that works both ways. Hence, don't whine when Consuelo from Honduras under cuts the going rate and your gum chawing chum is out of work.

Of course, this "grasp your work value" lesson is important. Here's a gal that used to provide a service and got $5K a night for tending to the NY Governor.

Now that's what I call a "Well Heeled Free Agent"

(well except for that Free part).
Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Protective Lioness in Atlanta

MAN LANDS IN HOT WATER AFTER SON SPILLS THE BEANS
DEAR CR-ABBY: My husband and I are still at odds over something that happened months ago. He, his best friend and my 13-year-old son, "Mark," went to spring training in Florida. On one of the days, they went to lunch at a restaurant that features scantily clad waitresses. My husband told Mark not to tell me about it and to leave the telling to him.
When they returned home on Sunday after their three-day weekend, Mark let it slip where they had gone for lunch one day. I hit the roof!
Mark is a very young 13. I was furious that my husband took him to a place that Mark described as making him feel "uncomfortable" because of all the skin that was being shown. After I jumped on my husband for doing it, I heard him outside yelling at Mark for telling me before he had a chance to.
I'm being accused of overreacting, Cr-Abby. Am I?
-- PROTECTIVE LIONESS IN ATLANTA

Dear Catty Cracker,

Lunch with Dad at Hooters is part of the bonding/mentoring program. Your son broke a Solemn Oath of the Guy Guild and should be punished with a wedgie from the brotherhood.

This is too deep an experience for you frail females to understand.

Don't interfere with this Right of Passage.

Stand down and get back to peeling the taters!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Curious Student in Houston

GAMING THE SYSTEM IS NOT ACCEPTABLE IN ANY COUNTRY
DEAR CR-ABBY: I am a foreign exchange student studying in the U.S. Other exchange students and I have been debating two questions.
The first: Is it OK to buy a movie ticket and watch two or three movies? Some say "yes" because theaters tolerate it in the hope that customers will buy snacks and drinks in the process. Others say it goes against the honor system.
The second is: Is it wrong to return merchandise you never intended to buy in the first place? Example: to buy a novel and return it after reading it. My friends say bookstores expect a certain number of returns and build it into the cost of the books. As long as the book is kept in good condition, it's OK. Other friends stress, however, that this, again, is taking advantage of the honor system.
What is your opinion? -- CURIOUS STUDENT IN HOUSTON

Dear Temporary Texan,

Whether you subscribe to Christian Values or Karma Curses, you can put Cr-Abby in the "NO" camp on your questions. Even if you are one of those lucky few who can "get away with anything almost always" there is the one thing you can't evade...the self-inflicted wounds to your feelings of self worth.
Your scenarios are painted in the "innocent areas" of fouls but there is only one true form of Integrity and that is the one that moves you to do the right thing, even when no one is looking.

Husbands don't cheat on their wives (or visa versa) they cheat on themselves. For very short term gain (some shorter than others) you sell out your "truth marker".

So, go back to the Dean's office and tell him your real address and quit taking government money intended for U.S. Citizens.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Loner in Long Beach

WOMAN CELEBRATES HOLIDAYS QUIETLY AND HAPPILY ALONE
DEAR CR-ABBY: Now that the year-end holidays are here, I find myself once again in the sometimes difficult position of having to explain to acquaintances and co-workers why I don't celebrate them.
I am single. My parents died many years ago, and I have no family. My only surviving sibling and his wife are both alcoholics who drink to excess over the holidays and cause tension in their family. I have attended Al-Anon meetings, and because I refused to look the other way while they were drinking, I was cut off.
Co-workers take time off at Christmas, but I take mine at other times of the year. Over time, I have found that I would rather spend a so-called holiday catching up on correspondence, taking a walk, reading a good book or sewing. Outside of work or professional organizations, I do not do anything about the year-end holidays. I understand the religious and historical significance of these celebrations and keep them in my heart, but do not observe them in a visible manner. This is my choice.
When people ask me what I'm doing for the holidays, it is an awkward moment. How can I gracefully explain that I choose to keep the holidays in my heart only and enjoy the day as a small vacation for myself? -- LONG BEACH LONER

Dear Santa's Soloist in Sandals,

While Cr-Abby applauds your stiff upper lip, living life alone is not something to embrace but to be tolerated. You can't chose your family and can't change the decisions the grim reaper makes but you can nurture relationships/friendships and seek out people who could be your "chosen family". Those friends who earn your respect and friendship and you reciprocate".
Holidays can be depressing times for any of us with the pressures to perform, give, travel etc. Your plan is good that it avoids the "rat race" associated with the commercial side of the holidays, so as to what to say to passers by who inquire as to your plans...you can routinely say..."I plan to avoid the craziness"...and they will no doubt nod with understanding and a small degree of envy.

That said, you need to reach out to the world and not hermit-ize yourself...it isn't healthy and friends can help each other in ways family cannot. Don't void your self of this spice of life AND it comes with the caveat that you get to pick your friends and they you.

Cr-Abby