Dear Cr-Abby from Upset in Florida

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am 20. My father, who recently turned 50, is dating a girl, "Amber," who is only 19. I went to high school with Amber, and I know for a fact there isn't a lot she has to offer him unless it's trouble.
Our parents divorced 16 years ago, and Dad hasn't had another woman in his life who he really liked. He has dated casually, but this is turning into something serious. They have been seeing each other only a few weeks, and they are now talking about an engagement.
Cr-Abby, Amber has a 6-month-old son. The child's father will have nothing to do with her or the baby. I think she's after Dad for the money, and I do not approve of their relationship.
What should I do? -- UPSET IN FLORIDA

Dear Gator got your Goat,

Possum, your Dad is suffering from a debilating ailment known as DSB (Deadly Semen Back-Up). It is a condition where the little head starts making decisions for the big head.

I'm afraid the only known cure is B.A.W. (Bank Account Withdrawals). The CDC informs me that this disease has reached epidemic proportions owning to the "Graying of America" combined with too much "E-Hollywood" exposure.

It's a long shot, but here's an idea...become Amber's BFF (Best Fake Friend) and arrange multiple play dates (just the two of you) leaving the 6 month old rug rat behind with Daddy for hours at a time (or better yet a few days).

Dad may get a sneak peak at what no nookie, no money and a screaming brat feels like. It might shock him enough for a few blood cells to drift northward.

Cr-Abby