Dear Cr-Abby from Reluctant Witness in Pennsylvania

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I'm a freshman at a Catholic university. I was awakened last night at 3 a.m. because my bunk bed -- I'm on top -- was shaking. Then I heard my roommate moaning. She had snuck a boy into our dorm room, and they were doing "it."
I am so upset at her disregard for my personal space that I don't know how to talk to her. I'm big on chastity, but I don't want her to think I'm speaking up because I'm a prude. I found it so upsetting that it was difficult to get back to sleep.
My roommate is nice, and we get along well. How do I tell her this behavior is unacceptable? If I tell our resident assistant, she will get in trouble and hate me for it. If I had been forewarned, I would have slept out in the lounge. Please help me.
-- RELUCTANT WITNESS IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Uninvited Voyeur Victim near Venango,

Well, college is the place where exploring the mind and body is in high gear. I remember my roomate and I had a system. We would wrap a rubber band around the outer door handle if one of us was errr uhmm "entertaining company".
Your situation is different as there was no code preset to allow you to avoid the 6.9 earthquake. So, I suppose you have to engage if a little more assertiveness.
Just tell her that you want to make sure there is as much freedom as possible in the tiny room but a 3 way without the invite is not on the list of acceptable to options. Then hand her a box of rubber bands and a box of rubbers too.

Tell her that the new rule is that she has to use both before you get home!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Landlocked in Northern California

DEAR CR-ABBY:

My husband, "Mike," and I have been married for 18 years, but for the last few we have been growing apart. Mike has recently expressed a desire to quit work and sail around the world. He bought an expensive sailboat, took lessons, and is teaching our kids to sail. I tried it, but I'm afraid of the water. I have, however, been supportive of my husband's dream.
I knew Mike was looking for a "crew" for the boat because he couldn't sail with just the kids. Today he told me he has found someone. This crew consists of a married woman and her two kids. Mike invited her to crew after she first asked her husband. He did not ask ME first. He simply announced he had found a competent sailor.
I expressed vehemently that I am against this. I have never met the woman or her kids, and I'm hurt that I wasn't consulted. Mike says he is hurt because I "don't trust him." By the way, the sailboat is only 37 feet long, and they're planning their first two-week trip this fall.
What do you think?
-- LANDLOCKED IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

Dear Castaway Near Calistoga,

Better work on your "Knot Tying" in both departments (sailing and marriage).

Your "fear of the water" has not only robbed you of a closer relationship with your husband, but of a once in a lifetime memorable experience with your children not to mention the romantic call of the sea...which your husband has in spades.

Go see a doctor of phobia-ology and get fitted for a safe pair of boating shoes.

Don't let this floosy with her fledging brood sail on your flotilla.

Ahoy, now here this..."All-a-Shore who's going to regret it!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Upset in Florida

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am 20. My father, who recently turned 50, is dating a girl, "Amber," who is only 19. I went to high school with Amber, and I know for a fact there isn't a lot she has to offer him unless it's trouble.
Our parents divorced 16 years ago, and Dad hasn't had another woman in his life who he really liked. He has dated casually, but this is turning into something serious. They have been seeing each other only a few weeks, and they are now talking about an engagement.
Cr-Abby, Amber has a 6-month-old son. The child's father will have nothing to do with her or the baby. I think she's after Dad for the money, and I do not approve of their relationship.
What should I do? -- UPSET IN FLORIDA

Dear Gator got your Goat,

Possum, your Dad is suffering from a debilating ailment known as DSB (Deadly Semen Back-Up). It is a condition where the little head starts making decisions for the big head.

I'm afraid the only known cure is B.A.W. (Bank Account Withdrawals). The CDC informs me that this disease has reached epidemic proportions owning to the "Graying of America" combined with too much "E-Hollywood" exposure.

It's a long shot, but here's an idea...become Amber's BFF (Best Fake Friend) and arrange multiple play dates (just the two of you) leaving the 6 month old rug rat behind with Daddy for hours at a time (or better yet a few days).

Dad may get a sneak peak at what no nookie, no money and a screaming brat feels like. It might shock him enough for a few blood cells to drift northward.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Dating in D.C.

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My boyfriend, "Sean," and I met online six months ago. We are now at the stage where we are meeting and going out with each other's friends and co-workers, and the question, "How did you meet?" is coming up.
Sean prefers his friends and family not know we met on an online dating site, while I have been up-front with my circle of friends. I would rather get our history straight before these groups meet each other.
How do we balance his need for privacy with my openness? I would also like to use this as an example to de-stigmatize online dating for my single friends. -- DATING IN D.C.

Dear Courting in the Capitol,

Oh Possum, isn't love grand? I remember the first time a boy stared at my knickers, but I digress.

Perhaps a white lie can bridge the gap,...did you I.M. or email while at work?...many do you know pumpkin. So, he can say,.."we met at work" and you can say we met on line.

Fear not little one, in time the lad will grow up and shed his phobia about the how and begin to focus on the now. These wee men are "works in progress" and you have to nurture the knuckle dragger to a more upright existence.
Don;t get your knickers in a snit over the mundane limitations that is the "male condition".

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Not Laughing in Iowa

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Will you please explain to your readers that doctors do not practice medicine 24 hours a day? Each time we reveal to people that my husband is a psychiatrist, we have to put up with unfunny jokes about how he's going to analyze them, or insinuations that all he does is sit on a couch and ask, "And how do you feel about that?" How should we respond to these misconceptions?
-- NOT LAUGHING IN IOWA

Dear Humor Challenged in Boone County,

Lighten Up, Shut Up and Get Real... This is your big problem?

P-L-E-A-S-E, over 10 million people dont have a job to be bothered about and you whine about what should be an opportunity to grow your husbands client list.

Frankly, I'm guessing your real problem is that he is the object of the discussion and not you. Your husband is part of any entire list of professionals who are "hit up" in social settings for advice and/or bear the brunt of jokes.

Lawyers, Dentists, Plumbers, Tradesman of all manner and "Real Doctors" get the same treatment.

Why not turn this to your advantage and grow your business (networking).

If it really bothers you AND your husband, then be less open about what he does for a living in social settings. Try asking other people more about them and say less about you. The person asking the questions has the power not the one answering them.

Write back when you have a real problem like when your husband leaves you for a gal he met at a party who has mor of an interest in him than you.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from ABS of Sponge

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I am part of a group of people who read our local newspaper online and comment on the news of the day in the public forums provided. It's great fun and offers an excellent place to interact with others.
Some of us have become close, exchanging e-mails and chat messages. One of the women has suggested we all get together at a local watering hole and meet each other, and the gang has agreed.
I would love to join in, but the problem is that the persona I built online is that of a hunky, handsome young man -- including a pilfered photo I posted as "me" on my profile. Needless to say, he is NOT me. I am a 54-year-old, chubby, graying man who wears glasses.
I would love to meet these people, but I'm embarrassed about the lies I have told them. Some of the women have flirted with me, thinking I am this sexy guy. How can I fix this so we can all be friends? I am afraid they'll be angry at my ruse.
-- ABS OF SPONGE

Dear Digital Swan/Analog Duck,

Oh, the tangled web we weave when we aim to deceive...

Chances are your lady friends might have fudged the truth a tad as well but that is expected where as men are not suppose to do so.
Cr-Abby rule of thumb...add 20 pounds and 10 years to any photo of a woman posted on the net, subtract 3 inches from the Willy for any digitgal bragging done by a guy.

I would change your avatar tomorrow and add the "come clean explanation". Have your coming out digital confession and wait a day or two for the responses. Then arrange the "coffee/wine/whiskey" play date" !

What the hec is ASB of Sponge?

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Blackmailed in Ames, Iowa

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My sister, "Joni," caught me having sex with my boyfriend. (We used protection, so it's not like I'm going to get pregnant.) Our parents were away and Joni was supposed to be gone for several hours, so I thought we would be safe. But Joni had a fight with her boyfriend, came home sooner than we expected and caught us "in the act."
Now she's blackmailing me. I have to hand my allowance over to her -- and that's not all. She has turned me into her personal slave -- changing her bed, picking up her dirty clothes and doing her chores. She forces me to let her wear my nicest jeans and shirts, but because she's bigger than me, my clothes are getting stretched out of shape or torn at the seams.
When I complain, she says, "What are you going to do about it? Go ahead and tell Mom and see what I tell her!" I know if Joni tells our parents they won't let me see my boyfriend anymore. We're in love, and I couldn't handle that. But the blackmail is driving me crazy. Please help me. -- BLACKMAILED IN AMES, IOWA

Dear Guido's Beat'ch,

Couple of ways to play the game here;

1) Tell your parents you caught her having sex or some other bad story without telling your sister you outed her (it doesn't matter if it is true or not, just pick a story that is plausible and involves something your parents would believe about sis). Then when she says...I did not and then tries to tell on you, her story will sound retaliatory and you can put up a good "did not" (plausible deniability) defense.

2) Get the real goods on her and run the "stalemate" game. You both carry a nuclear bomb but agree not to wage a war of mutually assured destruction.

3) Does she have a pet she loves? Hold a knife to "Spots" throat and tell her,...if you rat me out Joni, "Spot is going to go live with the fishes"!

4) Come Clean with the parents yourself and then don't let Joni know you outed yourself. Then a day or two later (after pretending to be under the thumb of your sister still)...tell your parents that your sister is involved in this little extortion scheme,..then wait for the perfect moment and say...Hey Joni,,...I'm not doing this anymore...go tell mom and dad, I don't care! Then when she runs in and proclaims your sluttiness, she actually be demonstrating her lack of character.

Bottle of soda $1.50
New Dress $79.99
Revenge on a sibling.....PRICELESS

Cr-Abby