September 3, 2008
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, who is being married in three months, mentioned to me that her fiancé's friends have a tradition of covering the newlyweds' car with condoms. Whatever happened to tin cans and a “Just Married” sign?
I'm no prude, but I'm appalled at the tackiness of it. There will be grandmothers and children attending the wedding. My daughter agrees that it's poor taste but doesn't think there is anything she can do about it. Should I stay out of it, or go clean off the car myself during the reception?
– Texas Bridal Mom
Dear Texas Tea Totterer,
News Flash this just in....it's 2008
(much as Cr-Abby hates to admit it).
The movie Steel Magnolias was done 15 years ago,...dont you remember the Sally Field/Julia Roberts interface about the Armadillo Grooms Cake and the Condom Clad Cadillac?
This is also a Green time,...we recycle cans, we dont drag them behind a car and yell "Yeehaw".
My advice; During the reception rather than sneaking out to "clean the car",...go to the bar and take about 6 shots of Jose Cuervo to kill that Giant Potato Bug that has crawled up your ass.
Cr-Abby
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Dear Cr-Abby from Once Bitten
August 22, 2008
DEAR (CR) ABBY:
“Ben” and I have been married for two years. His dog, “Lucky,” adores him. The problem is, Lucky bites me every time I get near Ben, especially when we are trying to get intimate. If we lock Lucky out of the room, he barks frantically the whole time. So much for romance.
Ben refuses to get rid of Lucky. He has told me that if the dog goes, he goes – and he means it. I want a normal life with my husband, but he has chosen his dog over his wife. Can you offer any solution?
– Once Bitten, Twice Shy In Ohio
For all you animal lovers out there dont give me any of your guff,..I was going to suggest the ole rat poison in the Alpo trick, but you caught me on a good day.
DEAR (CR) ABBY:
“Ben” and I have been married for two years. His dog, “Lucky,” adores him. The problem is, Lucky bites me every time I get near Ben, especially when we are trying to get intimate. If we lock Lucky out of the room, he barks frantically the whole time. So much for romance.
Ben refuses to get rid of Lucky. He has told me that if the dog goes, he goes – and he means it. I want a normal life with my husband, but he has chosen his dog over his wife. Can you offer any solution?
– Once Bitten, Twice Shy In Ohio
Let's recap; you are accepting 2nd fiddle to a dog from a man who allows his love to be bitten and your love making is interrupted and intermittent. I think you knew the answer before you dropped this in the mail.
However, my new edition of National Geographic showed up and I'm feeling frisky, so here goes...
Dogs sense the hierarchy in a household. They will vie for as high a spot on the family food chain as their little paws can climb. Biting is a sign to project dominance and hence he's letting you know where you stand.
If you arent already gone (my 1st piece of advice) and you really are committed to making this marriage work you are going to have to let the dog know that you arent no. 2 and BITE HIM BACK.
There are less violent techniques for demonstrating dominance that animal lovers and experts can advise you to try, but I have never abided such wimps.
Haul off and box this Boxer's ears and give him a good chew at the top of the neck. Dont be one bit timid and assert yourself otherwise you might find dinner in the bowl waiting for YOU.
For all you animal lovers out there dont give me any of your guff,..I was going to suggest the ole rat poison in the Alpo trick, but you caught me on a good day.
All that said,...I'd be gone and let your squeeze spend more time getting Lucky with Lucky and less wasting yours.
Cr-Abby
Monday, September 1, 2008
Dear Cr-Abby from Frederick not of Hollywood
September 1, 2008
DEAR (CR) ABBY: When my wife sees lingerie she likes in a store, she asks me to buy it for her birthday or our anniversary. The problem is, she'll wear the item only once and never wear it again. She has a fortune in lingerie in her dresser drawer just taking up space.
I hate wasting money. Do you have any advice for me?
– Frederick,But Not in Hollywood
Dear Freddy with no Wood,
Your complaint about your wife's lingerie spendthrift ways misses the point. She is asking you to buy the outfits so that you can enjoy the purchase too. Apparently she is trying to inspire something in you that has yet to materialize. Hence she keeps going back to the same well trying to find the right kind of magic wear/water. She's hoping to find the outfit that will inspire your Willie to transition from a Weeping Willow to a strapping redwood.
Here's how to kill two birds with one RX.
Go see Dr. Feelgood and get some Cialis or Viagra then the next time wifey sends you out to pick up the outfit du jour, she'll think that her outfit was the reason for your renewed interest and staying power. Hence, she will keep that outfit handy as her/your "favorite" and not buy new ones. All you need to do is keep the pills handy when she laces up her knickers.
You'll probably cure her spending. However, its a trade off... you will be trading lingerie purchases for a monthly maintenance medication bill but at least this one really does have something in it for the two of you.
Now git, I have the Widow Jones coming over in a few minutes for errrrrr, uhhmmm, a little tea, yeah that's it tea!
I have my own meds to take.
Cr-Abby
DEAR (CR) ABBY: When my wife sees lingerie she likes in a store, she asks me to buy it for her birthday or our anniversary. The problem is, she'll wear the item only once and never wear it again. She has a fortune in lingerie in her dresser drawer just taking up space.
I hate wasting money. Do you have any advice for me?
– Frederick,But Not in Hollywood
Dear Freddy with no Wood,
Your complaint about your wife's lingerie spendthrift ways misses the point. She is asking you to buy the outfits so that you can enjoy the purchase too. Apparently she is trying to inspire something in you that has yet to materialize. Hence she keeps going back to the same well trying to find the right kind of magic wear/water. She's hoping to find the outfit that will inspire your Willie to transition from a Weeping Willow to a strapping redwood.
Here's how to kill two birds with one RX.
Go see Dr. Feelgood and get some Cialis or Viagra then the next time wifey sends you out to pick up the outfit du jour, she'll think that her outfit was the reason for your renewed interest and staying power. Hence, she will keep that outfit handy as her/your "favorite" and not buy new ones. All you need to do is keep the pills handy when she laces up her knickers.
You'll probably cure her spending. However, its a trade off... you will be trading lingerie purchases for a monthly maintenance medication bill but at least this one really does have something in it for the two of you.
Now git, I have the Widow Jones coming over in a few minutes for errrrrr, uhhmmm, a little tea, yeah that's it tea!
I have my own meds to take.
Cr-Abby
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Dear Cr-Abby from Really Upset in St. Paul
August 27, 2008
DEAR (CR) ABBY: For the past 25 years, my husband, “Don,” has had his hair cut by a woman I'll call “Barber-Ella.” She's slim, attractive and full of energy. Don has mentioned that she often pats him on the leg and kind of flirts with him.
We have been married 35 years, and I've never had a reason to mistrust him. Our life hasn't been a bed of roses. We have a 30-year-old disabled daughter who lives with us. I have rheumatoid arthritis, which causes me pain and saps my energy. The medication has made me gain weight in my belly and face, and I feel unattractive.
Barber-Ella seems to have a lot of influence on Don. She persuades him to buy certain products, and once talked him out of a medical procedure “because it went wrong for a friend.” Recently he told me she has been telling him dirty jokes and using four-letter words in the telling. Don says, “She likes to see how red my ears get.” Although she is married, I'm not convinced that's all she's up to.
I feel this woman's behavior is inappropriate. Does this have more to do with my own insecurities than with her? Why does she do this? Should I ask him to change stylists? Should I call her and ask when she'll be adding lap dances to her services?
I don't want to put Don on the defensive or make it seem like I don't trust him. Please give me your opinion because I'm losing perspective.
– Really Upset In St. Paul, Minn.
Dear R.U. too much of a Saint,
Oh, to have hair again,...I remember how it felt to have a nice young thing run her fingers through my hair during the shampoo foreplay....but I digress back to you.
So, this is really more about you and your esteem issues and less about Vamperella. Your reports of her activity come from hubby which is a good sign,...you only need to worry when he stops telling you about his day.
Medical issues aside, weight is a function of food in, sweat and crap out and exercise. Within your limitations you have power to work on that...and that aint the Beautician's fault.
There is something sexy about having a strange women wash your hair and these days they actually massage your temples etc. Remeber, tips are part of the total compensation package for stylists.
Anyway, next time hubby's hair starts dancing on his shoulders,...throw him back in his favorite chair next to the sink, light some candles, pour him a beverage of choice and do the Deliah thing with massage and other extras at no charge. Try trimming head to toe!
You got nuttin' to worry about!
The problem isnt the mirror your husband looks in down the street, its that reflection you see in your bathroom at home.
Cr-Abby
DEAR (CR) ABBY: For the past 25 years, my husband, “Don,” has had his hair cut by a woman I'll call “Barber-Ella.” She's slim, attractive and full of energy. Don has mentioned that she often pats him on the leg and kind of flirts with him.
We have been married 35 years, and I've never had a reason to mistrust him. Our life hasn't been a bed of roses. We have a 30-year-old disabled daughter who lives with us. I have rheumatoid arthritis, which causes me pain and saps my energy. The medication has made me gain weight in my belly and face, and I feel unattractive.
Barber-Ella seems to have a lot of influence on Don. She persuades him to buy certain products, and once talked him out of a medical procedure “because it went wrong for a friend.” Recently he told me she has been telling him dirty jokes and using four-letter words in the telling. Don says, “She likes to see how red my ears get.” Although she is married, I'm not convinced that's all she's up to.
I feel this woman's behavior is inappropriate. Does this have more to do with my own insecurities than with her? Why does she do this? Should I ask him to change stylists? Should I call her and ask when she'll be adding lap dances to her services?
I don't want to put Don on the defensive or make it seem like I don't trust him. Please give me your opinion because I'm losing perspective.
– Really Upset In St. Paul, Minn.
Dear R.U. too much of a Saint,
Oh, to have hair again,...I remember how it felt to have a nice young thing run her fingers through my hair during the shampoo foreplay....but I digress back to you.
So, this is really more about you and your esteem issues and less about Vamperella. Your reports of her activity come from hubby which is a good sign,...you only need to worry when he stops telling you about his day.
Medical issues aside, weight is a function of food in, sweat and crap out and exercise. Within your limitations you have power to work on that...and that aint the Beautician's fault.
There is something sexy about having a strange women wash your hair and these days they actually massage your temples etc. Remeber, tips are part of the total compensation package for stylists.
Anyway, next time hubby's hair starts dancing on his shoulders,...throw him back in his favorite chair next to the sink, light some candles, pour him a beverage of choice and do the Deliah thing with massage and other extras at no charge. Try trimming head to toe!
You got nuttin' to worry about!
The problem isnt the mirror your husband looks in down the street, its that reflection you see in your bathroom at home.
Cr-Abby
Dear Cr-Abby from Silent Supporter
August 26, 2008
DEAR (CR) ABBY: Would you please tell your readers that not reciting or participating in the Pledge of Allegiance does NOT mean that someone is a “bad American”?
For religious reasons, I cannot say the Pledge. I sit quietly while it's recited, but unfortunately, others can't keep quiet about my silence. They make a scene and begin interrogating me – especially at sporting events. Others have better manners but still insist that I stand in “respect” – but standing IS participating.
Cr-Abby, I have been punched, kicked, cursed at and spat upon, often in front of my children. People scream about their war records or their soldier relatives. Well, I have kin “over there,” too. Please do not assume that nonparticipants are bad people. They might even be Canadian!
– Silent Supporter, Benson, N.C.
Dear SS (I crack myself up sometimes),
Your request of me is nothing more than "spitting in the wind"...even if I wax poetically about your right not to observe this rite of Patriotism the impact will be nill. Unfortunately,, I have no power to protect you from stupid people doing stupid things.
That said, Cr-Abby wants to take you to the theological wood shed for a moment. The bible says "render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's and render unto God that which is God". Where is it written or inferred in your book of choice that standing during a song is idiotry or an afront to your GOD? Is this your conviction or the inane prodding of a minister who has made a "man's choice" about how you should act?
Having spent some time with JW's I totally get the "don't worship a golden calf/IDOL thing". However, if you think that this country's religious freedom tenets will eliminate you appearing "odd man/woman out" in venues where standing during the National Anthem or Pledge is the norm you are in for a lifetime of disappointment.
Why not come to the ball game in the middle of the first inning...you still get to see the home team bat :)
BTW; I'm curious...when they sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" during the 7th inning stretch are you also precluded from standing, stretching or singing? If you are allowed to do that because it's whimsical and not saluting a false diety, why not think of the flag as just a fun little piece of cloth and the pledge is just a little fun ditty handed down form generation to generation.
You have the right to not participate in those activities and you should be able to do so without violence or abuse, but other folks have the right to look at you and think what they will about your choice.
If you are MAKING A STAND NOT TO STAND you need to grow the internal stones to handle/absorb the verbal snipes your choice(s) are likely to inspire in others.
OTHERS SHOULD NOT ABUSE YOU FOR YOUR CHOICE!!!
There I said it...Now what?
John the Baptists had his head chopped off by the Roman's and you dont hear him moaning.
If you want to be God's soldier, there are costs associated with the duty...nut it up and quit whining!
CR-Abby
DEAR (CR) ABBY: Would you please tell your readers that not reciting or participating in the Pledge of Allegiance does NOT mean that someone is a “bad American”?
For religious reasons, I cannot say the Pledge. I sit quietly while it's recited, but unfortunately, others can't keep quiet about my silence. They make a scene and begin interrogating me – especially at sporting events. Others have better manners but still insist that I stand in “respect” – but standing IS participating.
Cr-Abby, I have been punched, kicked, cursed at and spat upon, often in front of my children. People scream about their war records or their soldier relatives. Well, I have kin “over there,” too. Please do not assume that nonparticipants are bad people. They might even be Canadian!
– Silent Supporter, Benson, N.C.
Dear SS (I crack myself up sometimes),
Your request of me is nothing more than "spitting in the wind"...even if I wax poetically about your right not to observe this rite of Patriotism the impact will be nill. Unfortunately,, I have no power to protect you from stupid people doing stupid things.
That said, Cr-Abby wants to take you to the theological wood shed for a moment. The bible says "render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's and render unto God that which is God". Where is it written or inferred in your book of choice that standing during a song is idiotry or an afront to your GOD? Is this your conviction or the inane prodding of a minister who has made a "man's choice" about how you should act?
Having spent some time with JW's I totally get the "don't worship a golden calf/IDOL thing". However, if you think that this country's religious freedom tenets will eliminate you appearing "odd man/woman out" in venues where standing during the National Anthem or Pledge is the norm you are in for a lifetime of disappointment.
Why not come to the ball game in the middle of the first inning...you still get to see the home team bat :)
BTW; I'm curious...when they sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" during the 7th inning stretch are you also precluded from standing, stretching or singing? If you are allowed to do that because it's whimsical and not saluting a false diety, why not think of the flag as just a fun little piece of cloth and the pledge is just a little fun ditty handed down form generation to generation.
You have the right to not participate in those activities and you should be able to do so without violence or abuse, but other folks have the right to look at you and think what they will about your choice.
If you are MAKING A STAND NOT TO STAND you need to grow the internal stones to handle/absorb the verbal snipes your choice(s) are likely to inspire in others.
OTHERS SHOULD NOT ABUSE YOU FOR YOUR CHOICE!!!
There I said it...Now what?
John the Baptists had his head chopped off by the Roman's and you dont hear him moaning.
If you want to be God's soldier, there are costs associated with the duty...nut it up and quit whining!
CR-Abby
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