Dear Cr-Abby from Too Close for Comfort in Sacramento

DEAR CR-ABBY:

My dad recently married someone much younger, so my sister and I have a new stepmom. "Tori" has no children of her own. She's nice, but she's trying too hard.She constantly tries to make "girl talk" about personal things that girls our age talk about with sisters and friends, but not their parents. She also insists on doing things together during our visitations. She takes us clothes shopping and tries to tell us what we should wear.Tori never knocks before coming into the room where we stay at Dad's, even when she knows we're getting dressed. She says, "We're all girls." She actually spends more time with us that our dad does, but there is such a thing as too much attention.Tori is now planning an "all girls weekend" for the three of us. Because we'll be sharing one hotel room, there won't be a minute's peace from her. We don't want to hurt her feelings since she's trying so hard -- unlike friends of ours who have the opposite problem with their stepmoms.How can we discuss boundaries without hurting her feelings?

-- TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

Dear Suffocating from Stepitis,

Hey, it could be worse,..you could be locked in the Capitol building in Sacramento where Union-tied Demo-cants and Business-tied Republ-icants can't agree on a budget. Trust me, those fat SOB's up close in close quarters make your step mom's over-zealous intrusions pale by comparison.

You are just going to have to come clean and tell her how you feel. Tell Tori that you don't like your own mom being that close or coming in without knocking so she shouldn't take it personally.Step-parents have it rough and they (usually) just want to fit in as a normal member of the family....The "step" prefix seems to suggest it should be done in "steps"...maybe that's the best way to explain it, but remember the "step-ee" feels like he/she is on the outside looking in and that isn't comfortable either.

Cr-Abby

PS; Give Dad a heads up on te issue BEFORE you talk to Tori, he'll be better prepared when he gets the translated version.

Dear Cr-Abby from Frantic Mom in Philadelphia

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Our son, "Adam," is 24 and lives at home. He had some kind of mental breakdown at school -- no one will tell us what he had -- and he says he's too depressed to work or go back to school.
Adam stays in his room all day watching TV. He's on medication, but I don't think he's taking it regularly. His doctor refuses to talk to us because Adam won't give her permission to do so.
Cr-Abby, we don't know what to do. Should we let him stay in his room or make him go to work? How can we make him take his medicine? What if he kills himself? We love our son and want to help him, but we don't know how.
-- FRANTIC MOM IN PHILADELPHIA

Dear Eagle-tte Flys Over the Coo Coo's Nest Back to Mom,

I have no idea how to help.

That said, I need to talk to you right away...please call. I had a really bad day at work and am not sure I can go on. I'm going to move in with you and watch TV and eat Cheeto's till my toes turn orange.

My Dr. says I need my rest but I'm not going to tell you why nor do I think I have the coping skills to contribute anything for rent. He gave me some meds but I don't want to take them because when I watch South park on my meds, I don't get the humor.

Thanks Mom, see you Tuesday. What time is breakfast? I like my eggs poached,...no make that coddled just like how you have coddled your 24 year old Egg head. Get his bum butt outta bed and back in the game. Life gave him a kick and he needs to learn how to take a punch, get up and move on.

Cr-Abby

PS; In the off chance that this is more than a wimp going into hibernation in mommy's cave, have him turned over to a "mental care facility" for inpatient care..let them handle the eggs.

Dar Cr-Abby from Ghost Writer

Dear Friends,
As you may know, I faithfully provide advice everyday as a public service. I take the dribble spouting out from Dear Abby's column and send a response that is a tad edgier. . I am sad to report that today's letter was so bad I couldn't even find a edge worthy of my attention and time. Hence, I have opted to ghost write the letter and response below;

Dear Cr-Abby,

My husband (lets' call him Klutz) is sweet, kind and good man...we met in high school and married shortly after graduation. Klutz is a good provider, a good father and attentive to me with one major exception.

In bed he is mechanical and tries hard but when he errr uhmmm goes south to "satisfy me" he doesn't have a clue and it is not enjoyable at all. I am embarrassed to admit that I have made the problem worse by "faking it".

Now he thinks he is Don Juan and all I get is slobbery but not sated.

What can I do without crushing his ego.

Unsatisfied in Utica

Dear Not Getting Good Nookie in New York,

I knew a guy who wanted to be famous chef but he had no talent nor knowledge about cooking. Fortunately, a little rat who was a good cook but obviously couldnt be seen in any kitchen formed a symbiotic relationship and got the job done (see photo below).

Take matters into your own hands and give his hair a tug in the right direction so that he can find your Rosemary in Thyme.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Mary in Albuquerque

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I'm writing regarding the letter from "San Diego Sinner" (Nov. 21), whose mother says wearing thong underwear is sinful. Cr- Abby, that mother may not have known a better way to express her views. I believe she was trying to protect her daughters from males who might view the absence of a pantyline as a "signal" that they are sexually available. The issue here isn't underwear; it's the girls' lack of trust in their mother. They should accept their mom's ruling as an indication of her love and concern for them. Her attitude may be quaint, but she loves them or she wouldn't be concerned.

-- MARY IN ALBUQUERQUE

Dear Thong May Send Wrong Signal to Dong,

I realize that Albuquerque is in a different time zone, but I wasn't aware it was in a different century.

Thongs are the norm and free bushing is the new Thong...kind of like 50 is the new 30 (we're all hoping).

Men, Boys and the neighbor's dog do not "pick up the scent" because a girl is or is not wearing a thong. You have to be less subtle with us knuckle draggers. Tattoos that say..."do me", "lick here" and "Mom's a MILF" are the kind of bang on the head we need to "get the signal".

The craziest women (in the bed dept) I ever errr uhmm met were those repressed church choir types who were forced to wear the tighty whities...repression works like a spring, the tighter you wind it, the further its going to go.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Platonic Soul Mate In Michigan

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I consider my best friend, "Randall," to be my platonic soul mate -- like a brother, only closer. Randall is gay. I am a straight female. We have no romantic interest, but a deep and meaningful love nonetheless.
We have talked about raising children together, but in order to adopt in some states there is a requirement that the parents be married. Our state does not happen to be one of them.
Would it be considered duping friends and family to have a "real" wedding?

-- PLATONIC SOUL MATE IN MICHIGAN

Dear Robbie the Robot wants to play Daddy in Detroit,

I suspect I'll dust up some opposition on this one...

Normally, Cr-Abby would slice and dice you for considering bringing children into an experiment with such unconvention. It is almost a lock that you will set disfunction as the norm to the children's' mental imprint.

However, Detroit has a huge void of "parental units" or more specifically "M.I.A. Dad's w/o VA service/benefits" and there is a need for folks to step in and step up. This might be taking the "it takes a village" phrase to new heights. Replacing that with; "it takes the Village People", or "it takes a Village Idiot" but I digress...

Why not leave well enough alone. You have a nice relationship and now you want to up the ante'.

However, if you are bent on this course...I strongly suggest that you try "foster parenting" first to insure you and Robbie are up to the rigors of parenting. If your experiment works under those conditions then you can go for the long ball or turkey baster if you will. If it doesnt pan out then you haven't inflicted unreversable damage and provided a temporary haven for kids who have seen very little of that.

As for duping the neighbors and family to pull off a charade (which I would argue is the least important consideration of this transaction)...
I ask you these two questions and a bonus round question if you go forward;

1) Are you sure your relationship is not based on mutually need and loneliness abatement?

2) If not, and your love is genuine and long lasting why tar it with a lie?

Bonus) Teaching kids about adult love includes the bada-bing element...if you aren't a committed couple who couples then how do you pull of that little lesson?
I smell trouble on this train but maybe you could do some temporary good for someone(s) while you ferret out who and what you are and what you want and how to love.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Depressed in Utah

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Because of the downturn in the economy, I had to close my business. Let me tell you this -- if anyone wants to know who their real friends are, here's how: Own your own business.
Not one friend or family member has mentioned my business loss, much less offered condolences -- and they all know. People have told my husband, who was not part of the business, that they feel sorry for me, but no one will say anything to me about it. I feel like it's the elephant in the room at gatherings when no one mentions it.
Am I wrong to feel hurt by this? I don't know what to do about it. I'm amazed at everyone's rudeness and total self-absorption. Have we become a society that talks to one another only when the news is good, but is too busy to tell people they are sorry for their loss?
-- DEPRESSED IN UTAH

Dear Johnny Smith Apple Cart Pusher,

It's very likely that many of your friends don't know how to respond or approach the subject with you. Perhaps if you simply open the door to the conversation you would see a better side of your friends.

Also, you should be networking with friends, family and others to land your next gig. The best cure for your injury (economically and emotionally) is getting your hands and brains working on something else. Promoting yourself and your ideas is your new job.

Idle hands make for the devils workshop.

Cr-Abby

PS; Yes there are fair weather friends and maybe you have a few of those in your circle...voting them off the island is one approach, getting yourself off the island is the better path.

Dear Cr-Abby from Having Fun in Virgina

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Is it possible to be a slut and still be a virgin? I am 20, and I am good at attracting boys, but I'm still a virgin because I have never had an actual relationship.
I "hook up" with many guys, sometimes two in the same weekend. I bring them home from parties, but they aren't strangers. I know them from school.
Since my best friends and I moved into our apartment, I have brought five different guys home with me, but I have not had sex with any of them. The other day, one of my friends told me I'd better be careful that I don't get a reputation. I was surprised because I thought you had to actually have sex with a lot of people in order to get a bad reputation. I'm just having fun. What do you think?
-- HAVING FUN IN VIRGINIA

Dear Having Fun Almost Inside Vagina,

Your "not crossing the threshold" stance does not vaccinate you from being tagged with the "slutty virus" rap.

Perceptions are reality and of course there is the range of things one can do that do not involve crossing into Virginia :)
It is your harem of different guys that invokes other girls a) jealousy b) rumor mill fodder c) bathroom scribble infamy

Have fun in the overt manner you have opted for but recognize there is a trade off...my guess is the other girls would trade with you any day.

BTW: your letter didn't have your address in the return address spot, I need that for the errr uhmmm the file, yeah that;'s it I need your address for the file.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Heartsick in Kansas

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My heart is broken. I don't know how to fix it, and sometimes I want to kill myself. I'm in love with my children's father and he knows it. "Brad" comes over to have sex with me, but we're not together. He tells me he's single, but I know he's with someone else. I want him to be honest -- give me that much respect -- because I have two kids by him.
Brad is the only person I'm having sex with. I told him I'm getting too old to play games. I'm trying to get on with my life, but still we have sex.
When do I say enough is enough? I tell Brad I need to drop the kids off, and he tells me no. But I need some alone time, too. If I had known our relationship would turn out like this, I would never have gotten involved with him. I love him with all my heart. Please tell me what to do. -- HEARTSICK IN KANSAS

Dear BrainWhacked in Wichita,

First a disclaimer and a moment of seriousness...if you truly harbor feelings of self-harm STOP, PICK UP THE PHONE CALL a Crisis Center or 911 and get help. The kids need their mom especially in light of a part time/absentee father.
Now, to the matter at hand...

You need to give up any illusions that you have a relationship with your children's father. You have an arrangement and judging by your letter a pretty one sided one at that. You can't nag yourself out of a deal already struck because you have no leverage...you need legal counsel.

The father has responsibilities and he needs to own up to them and decide how much to pay and how much time to spend. He does not have to decide to spend anytime with you. Please let that sink in before you further devalue yourself into this no-win scenario.

You need to separate the issue of providing for the children's needs and providing for your emotional needs...they are only intertwined when you view them through the eyes of this walking turd called daddy.

Handle the legal issue with the father and establish court appointed rules of the road. Concurrently cut him off from your orafice(s) unless he is willing able and for a sustained period of time talk to you and engage you as a person...but don't hold out any hope of that....the strong probability is that he is gone with the wind. Which may seem worse to you than the status quo, but at least he won't be using you and your kids won't witness a bizarre life thinking it is normal to treat women in this manner.

Then get some personal help with your esteem issues and once that work is done...find/make time to establish friendships of mutual benefit. One of those may grow into the love you seek but NONE OF THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE YOUR BRAIN IS IN THE SHOP.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Happy in the Middle

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Like "Middle Child in Hackensack, N.J." (Nov. 4), I am a middle child. I have an older brother and a younger sister, and I, too, felt my siblings were favored.
When I was younger, it seemed I was blamed for everything and got nothing from my parents. I am 20 now, and realize that my parents actually gave me a lot.
Because they never spent the money on me that they did on my siblings, I have worked since I was 16 to get what I want, and I've learned how to manage my money. I understand sharing better than they do because I've always had to let my little sister use and borrow my things. I have also learned to accept that nothing comes without hard work, and that the best of everything isn't always the most expensive.
"Middle Child" is not alone. I believe many parents with three kids act this way, although not consciously. Don't resent your family members for this because they do love and care about you. Learn what you can from it. Those lessons will help you more in the long run than being spoiled now will. -- HAPPY IN THE MIDDLE

Dear Boy Named Sue,

So, your take is that your parents inability to dole out dollars and affection in equal measure actually made you a better person...sounds like you are taking the high road, but I'm not buying it.

My guess is you just bought 14 copies of this article and are going to strategically leave them laying around your parents and siblings homes.

As the eldest child in our clan, I'm here to tell you we are suppose to treated better and get the attention so that we can thump on the younger ones and break your dolls when we play war...it is how we become these terrific Alpha Males that are so popular today's culture.

Not Buying your story,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Tammy Temper in Harrisburg, PA

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I am a 16-year-old girl, and I'm pretty popular in my high school. I'm blessed to have several close friends, and we always have a great time together. My grades are good, and I get along well with my mom, dad and little brother. So what's the problem, you're probably wondering.
I had an argument with my girlfriend "Amber" recently. It was over a "guy issue." I won't go into details because we did end up working it out, but Amber said something during the blowup that has me worried. She said that sometimes my anger gets out of control and concerns her. Two other girls who were with us at the time agreed with her. That floored me.
Cr-Abby, this is the first time I've heard about this. I mean, Mom sometimes calls me "Tammy Temper" -- and has accused me of "throwing fits." But my friends never called me on it. In the fight with Amber, she said my fists were clenched and she was afraid I might hit her. (I didn't think so.)
I don't want to scare people. I value my friends. I look forward to going to college and making new friends and having new experiences. I don't want to have a reputation as a hothead. Can you help me?
-- "TAMMY TEMPER" IN HARRISBURG, PA.

Dear Kiss Me Kate,

Steelers are going down girly!!!

Anyway, I know a few girls like you (married two of them) you have the nuclear bomb and you arent afraid to use it and others mindful of your ability to "go off" walk on egg shells around you but resent it.

You are not as well liked as you suggest, you are FEARED which is not the same thing.

Get a little help before these traits lock-in and you become some poor guys "ball and chain".

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Future Mother in Law

***BACK TO YOUR REGULARY SCHEDULED PROGRAM
DEAR CR-ABBY: My daughter and future son-in-law are being married this summer. They are both vegans, and are planning a vegan dinner for their reception. I thought it was a very cool way of showing what different types of vegan dishes could be planned, but I'm getting grief from my husband. He thinks it is "selfish" of them not to offer a meat dish. I couldn't disagree more.
I told him I think they are right, but that I'd write to you and ask your opinion. It will have no effect on their reception, but I'd like to quiet things down on the home front.

-- FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW

Dear Mommy Dearest,

You're right he's wrong but he's probably on the hook for the bill of the entire affair. Hence, sneak him in a nice T-bone and complimentry heart-stopping juicy tidbits. You can feed him either right before the whole thing starts or sneak it in and do the old switcheroo.

Fred Flintstone may be a bit brash and unsophisticated but he works hard at Mr. Slates Quarry to pay for this gig, so "throw him a bone"...literally.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Curoius in Ohio

Before we start today's rant, a disclaimer; This one really stuck in my craw and hence I included Abby's answer before I trump it with truth from the other side of the coin...

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine and his wife divorced several years ago. When their son turned 18, he changed his name to his mother's maiden name. I personally think it's a slap in the father's face. Have you heard of this before, and don't you think it's mean?
-- CURIOUS IN OHIO

DEAR CURIOUS: I have heard of it in the case of a child who, for whatever reason, has become alienated from his or her parent. Is it mean? It certainly isn't a compliment, because it indicates the child does not want to be identified with the father, nor to be reminded that the man ever existed. Before you judge the young man, you should remember that there is always a reason.

Dear Abby,
Your response was a pile of crap!

I have a friend, let's call him Bill. In 1986 he married a woman and they had three kids. His wife was a bit younger (30/22 gap) and they immediately had 3 kids. Bill was a bit of a work acholic but a good provider, father if maybe a tad short on the "wifey attention front".

Said wifey decided to divorce Bill when the kids we 6,4 and 2 leaving with the quote "my kids can't be happy if I can't be happy". She immediately was involved with another man (code for was probably involved before).

Over the next 14 years Bill was with his kid 3 weekends out of 4 and Wednesday nights, He did 95% of the driving (both ways) despite court orders that directed it to be 50/50 (Wifey and new hubby moved 45 minutes north hence the commute). He shelled out $1500 a month in support which was spent on toys and trips for the new happy couple (who divorced in 2004).

Additionally Bill had to shell out dough to cloth the kids properly as he would pick them up in less than acceptable attire. Was selfless in both time, attention and entertaining. (relegated to the Daddy-Claus role, he did his best). Wifey is the Queen of rationalization and keeps the kids heads a buzz with all manner of illusion including jabs at dad for faults real, imagined and trumped to heights beyond their scope.

Eight years after the divorce Bill remarries and is still married today, ex-wifey is now on #3. However, the kids (now 20-18-17) visits are less frequent owing to the natural things that occur as kids start there own set of life functions; jobs, college, friends etc. That said, Bill is getting static as his kids and current wife haven’t hit it off. Examples of ex- wifey working BS in the background to stir the pot are too numerous to list here in this rant but the end result is…

NO GOOD DEED (OR YEARS OF GOOD DEEDS) GOES UNPUNISHED.

Hubby no. 3 and the kids get along very well (I’m glad for that) but Bill is beginning to feel like a disposable dad now that the heavy lifting is over.
Any son or daughter who changes their last names to wifey without cause (meaning abuse, neglect etc.) should be ashamed of themselves, any ex-wife who abides/allows/initiates such an act should be drawn and quartered in public.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from C.P. in Van Nuys

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I have been involved in several weddings, and something has come up we hope you can help with. Often with wedding gifts, the card becomes separated from the gift, or in the case of online retailers, they forget to enclose the sender's information in the box. How does one go about thanking people for their generous gift if you're not sure who the sender is?
What is the solution, short of calling and telling people you didn't receive something from them and asking, "What did you get us?"
-- C.P. IN VAN NUYS

Dear 90210,

Cut and paste and copy below as needed...
Dear ______________,
We want to thank you for the lovely gift and for joining us on our special day.
Best to you and yours,
_________________
What's so frigging hard? Can you write me with some tougher question please!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Tired Mom in the City

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Ever since our baby girl arrived eight months ago, my husband and I have been inundated with baby gifts. Our daughter is the only grandchild on both sides of the family. My husband's parents and mine are divorced and remarried, so there are eight grandparents doting on our daughter. Consequently, we have received multiples of every baby item you can imagine.
Because we live in a small apartment with few closets, there is nowhere to put all these things. We have donated several boxes of clothes and toys to the local shelter. My parents become upset if they visit and we can't produce every single item they sent us. They want us to get rid of other people's gifts and keep only theirs. I don't like the tension this is causing.
Are we obligated to keep these gifts, Abby? Isn't there a way to encourage people to be more restrained in their giving?
-- TIRED MOM IN THE CITY

Dear Urban Based Madonna with Closet Challenge,

You aren't getting too many gifts you are just getting the wrong things. Send your party of 8 a little note. Something like this...

Dear Spoilers of Baby X,

We greatly appreciate the gold, frankincense and myrrh, really we do but space to house the gifts is becoming problematic. Therefore, please consider these alternatives;

T-Bills in varying denominations
Stock in any non-American company
Gold Coins

Or if you must keep up the barrage of space bandit offerings we request...
A Big Down Payment on a Big A## House in the Burbs.

Here's a gal who faced a similar dilemma maybe her approach would be wise :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIjBO26qjYM

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Anonymous in Texas

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am a woman with alopecia (hair loss) who has gotten to the point where I now wear a hair-enhancement system that clips onto my real hair to stay in place. I am happy with it. My anxiety over the problem is gone.
However, the clips are metal, and now I'm wondering if I can ever fly on a plane again. I have seen little old ladies with hip replacements stopped by screeners. I know I would set off the alarm at the checkpoint.
Is there anything I can do to avoid this humiliation? Is there any provision for this sort of problem, or is it at the discretion of the airport security? -- ANONYMOUS IN TEXAS

Dear Balding and Bashful in Beaumont,

Sad to say I actually witnessed one of those crackerjack TSA, $7.75 an hour clones wanding a 80 year old woman at O'Hare (Chicago). My jaw dropped when they actually had her remove the wig and you guessed it the bobby pins holding said wig were the wand offending elements.

I wanted to just kick someone's a##...here is a granny who has to go through this crap so that we can have the illusion of safety while someone who couldnt get hired at McDonalds holds sway over her ability to board an airplane to go see the grandkids.

Give BHO a few months and if he doesnt change the drill at the D of H.S. HS (another name I'd like to see tossed on the trash heap of history),...I'd take the train.

Or if you have a bod like the gal pictured above...take out your Gillette razor, Barbasol Shave Cream and Strut your Stuff proudly.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Happy Mom in Chester, VT

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I am a physician and mother of a toddler who understands "New Mom in Las Vegas" (Nov. 4), the woman who is concerned because she finds playing with her 8-month-old tedious. While postpartum depression should be ruled out, it is not uncommon for an adult woman to be bored by endless hours of playing with blocks and rattles. Raising a child is the most rewarding, loving and, yes, sometimes boring job a person can take on. Suggesting that women are good mothers only if they are constantly enthralled with children's activities sets them up for feelings of failure and inadequacy.Getting out of the house for any activity, such as a walk or a trip to the library or store, helps relieve the tedium. Most experts urge new mothers to take personal time away from their children as a way to maintain their sense of individuality and perspective. If reading or going online recharges "Mom," it should not be considered an unhealthy escape. A final word: The new dad should help his partner feel appreciated and practice his own parenting skills by giving her a break from child care. -- HAPPY MOM IN CHESTER, VT.

Dear Fairy Dust Distributor in Havana North,

We men can't catch a break when it comes to the "mysterys of motherhood" and their "coven of co-conspirators"....

First, we either catch the A-train to forced marriage or b) get to sign up for an 18 year stint of monthly payments with no car or house asset involved or get to be the guilt ridden spectator as baby becomes a bag of incovenient bio-hazard waste...or we get this laundry list of life's little pleasures;

We get to listen to 9 months of idle prater as nesting instincts drive endless" tend to me" requests and mindless tribble about the various myths run amok as the preganancy process plays out.

Then we get 3 mos to 18 years of "my life is so hard raising these kid(s)" with medical industry cohorts pushing expensive pills to curb the "evils of postpartum depression" which in turn gives wifey a legitmate excuse to be a bea'tch anytime she wants...as it really isn't her fault.

Meanwhile, mom gets to raise the girl to grow up and be an ungrateful carbon twin of mom resulting in the nagging coming to you in stereo.

Or what's worse,..you fall in love with the new little one and she ensnares your heart more than you thought possible and then she turns 16 or so and smashes your chest squeezer on the rocks of ingratitude.

Hell of a price to pay for 14 minutes of gin-soaked nookie!

Fortunately most of us get to die sooner (usually from a heart attack from all the stress imposed on us) and escape the further insult of being ignore as you waste away in some stinking hole called The Sunny Acres Home for Disposable Dads.

Then mom can gets to share the retirement nest egg you built up with Juan the pool boy!

Yep, you ladies have it tough.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Loves to Tussle in Georgia

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am a female who is "over 21." I have always been a tomboy. I love to wrestle with my 200-pound boyfriend. Our struggles are vigorous, but never violent, and always end with a kiss or more.
My friends are horrified. They say I could be injured and that any man who would physically "fight" a woman is a potential wife-beater or worse.
So many people have warned me to "watch out" that now I'm beginning to wonder. To me, it's a good way to have fun and burn off calories. What's your take on this, Abby?
-- LOVES TO TUSSLE IN GEORGIA

Dear Getting Ready to Rumble in Atlanta,

Act like a lady get treated like a lady, act like a man and expect to be head butted from time to time.

It's your choice, but your tactic didn't work out so well for Ellie Mae Clampette or for Daisy. I think she is still courting Lil' Abner but after 48 years they still havent tied the knot. Although Daisy has put Abner in a pretzel hold from time-to-time.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Hurt in Vermont

DEAR CR-ABBY:
After many years of being single, I met a woman I'll call "Trish" on a blind date. We're both in our late 40s, and we hit it off. We have many things in common.
One night I was at her place when she received a phone call. Trish made it short and sweet and hung up. A few minutes later, I asked who it was, and she told me it was her boss. Cr- Abby, I know how she answers the phone when it's her boss -- and it wasn't him. When I said, "That was NOT your boss," she admitted it was one of her boss's clients, but said nothing was going on between them.
When I first met Trish, she mentioned that a client had come in one day, had wine and cheese, then leaned over and kissed her. It's the same guy that called -- and he's married.
I am very hurt. We have both been cheated on. I don't think she has cheated, but she lied to my face. My first instinct is to dump her, but I love her. What should I do?

-- HURT IN VERMONT

Dear Stuck in Sin's Syrup,

Archeologist's often find mosquitoes and flies stuck in hardened amber. Frozen in their state of death as the poor insects didn't have the brains to get off the tree trunk before the goo trapped them....insects have tiny brains,...

...what's your excuse?

Your antenna told you something was wrong and you were right but if you aren't going to do anything with the information then why inquire at all. Ignorance can be bliss if you don't mind being duped and then dumped.

Get Out!!!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Stymied in Maryland

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My husband and I attended the wedding of two dear friends. The groom's mother, "Millie," made party favors for all the guests -- little gift bags containing sugar-coated almonds and, because the bride and groom are animal lovers, a small glass animal. A few days later, a friend brought her teenage daughter to our home. The daughter admired the two glass animals, so I gave them to her.
I was shocked when, the following weekend, Millie called and asked me to return them. She said she planned to take them back because she would prefer to use the money to buy the couple something they could use. Feeling guilty for "regifting," I responded with the first thing that popped into my head, that I hoped I hadn't "misplaced" them. Millie said she hoped not, too -- they had cost $35 apiece, and she would expect us to reimburse her! Further, we should not mention it to the "happy couple" because of the embarrassment it would cause.
I asked the bride's sister where Millie might have bought the glass figurines under the guise of wanting to get some as gifts for my grad students. I was stunned when she responded that she had purchased an entire case of these inexpensive animals as wedding favors, and that I was welcome to them if I wanted to pick them up from her home.
I'm unclear what motivated Millie to ask for the animals to be returned, or why she would inflate the price and expect to be reimbursed. I understand there was an unpleasant power struggle over the wedding arrangements, but I'm not sure what she hopes to gain from this.
How should this be handled? My husband says I should tell Millie the truth, that we gave them away and we know they cost only 80 cents apiece. What do you say?
-- STYMIED IN MARYLAND

Dear Stumped on the Potomac,

Not that it matters (as the mother of the groom is being ridiculous) but Cr-Abby's guess is that she learned of your re-gifting some how and decide to pull your chain with the faux-return request.
That is the only explanation that would take her from lowly pond scum to a tad higher on the "no-class" food chain.

You have -0- obligation ethically, morally or from Ms. Manners manual to jump through hoops to recover/replace/reimburse for the $35 (maybe) trinket.
Unless there were pre-event instructions or tags on the table that explained the need to leave the "decorations" not party favors on the table, you are off the hook and should feel empowered to tell your "dear friend" to f-off.

As a retailer of 32 years, I have to add the practice of buying things with the "intent" to return are use....is to my mind stealing. Retailers often have to destroy, markdown or otherwise add expense to sell goods that are returned for no good reason other than "free rental benefit".

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Dentally Distressed in Milwaukee

DEAR CR-ABBY:
How does one convey a message to one's dentist and his assistants that you would prefer they not discuss personal matters with each other while working on me?
I recognize that they may be so well-trained that they can converse and do these procedures at the same time. But talking over the patient gives the impression that they aren't fully concentrating on the business at hand.
Sitting in the dentist's chair with your mouth propped wide open, it's impossible to say a word. How can this be conveyed in a respectful way?

-- DENTALLY DISTRESSED IN MILWAUKEE

Dear Gumming Gossip in Green Bay,

I think you should let this one go and deal with it. Are you really asking to have total quiet so you can hear/concentrate on the drill sounds and other noises that emanate from these procedures. I for one which they'd project movies on the ceiling or crank up the stereo so I can pretend that their isnt somebody cramping sharp steely cold instruments in my mouth.

However, if you are looking for a serious, no nonsense oral surgeon I know a guy Dr. Szell last seen somewhere in NYC (see above)...

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Wants to Help in Eden, NY

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am a 21-year-old man in college. I am training for a profession I will love, and I know my future will be very bright.
I would like to volunteer at a soup kitchen or do something for the poor. I have done turkey drives and food drives before, but never worked directly with the people I'm trying to help. My problem is I tend to become very sad or feel helpless when I'm around disadvantaged people. I identify too strongly with their suffering.
Cr-Abby, I want to help as many people as I can during my short time on this planet, but I'm paralyzed by their pain. Is something wrong with me? Have you any suggestions?
-- WANTS TO HELP IN EDEN, N.Y.

Dear Doer in Paradise-Not,

As a college student I assume you are aware of the mutually-exclusive quandary you have created. Poor need help, I want to help, but when I help I feel helpless Ergo Poor get no help from you.

Re-read that enough times before your logical side out guns your inner demon. Just think, someone could have been there for you during your tough times but thought better of it and didn't want to feel bad so he/she stayed away.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Creature of Habit

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship, but there is one big problem. I don't like to share blankets at bedtime. The truth is, I like to sleep comfortably with my blankets tucked all around. I have honestly tried sharing, but I can't sleep that way or even get comfortable. My boyfriend thinks I'm weird and that I don't like being close to him at night. Isn't sharing a bed enough?
-- CREATURE OF HABIT

Dear Solo Snuggler,

Sounds like time for creative compromises here are a few ideas;

1) Keep your present program but cut three holes in your blanket to provide access to errr uhmmm the huggie zones

2) Make sure he gets his "Sominex Action" right before you tuck yourself in (men usually sleep soundly once the beast has been slayed).

3) Let him "unwrap" you once you have nodded off and he can snuggle up without waking you.

4) Dump the conventional bo and go for bubble boy to even things out. He can keep you away during the day and you can avoid him at night.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Living in the Past in Phoenix

DEAR CR-ABBY: Two years ago, I caught my finance cheating on me. I was devastated. In my heart I don't think he would do it again, but still I find myself looking through his e-mails, checking phone records, etc. I find myself crying hysterically and replaying the moment I found out he was cheating over and over again in my head. It's driving me insane. I want to forgive him, but I don't think I can.
Can you please help me find a way to let go of the past and return to the confident me?
-- LIVING IN THE PAST IN PHOENIX

Dear Hysterical Historian near Doc Holiday's Haunt,

A cheater doesn't cheat on you he/she cheats on themselves. He/She has tarnished their word (like earning a bad credit rating for your soul). You yearn for what was, but that is gone.

He broke the glass and now you have to decide if you want to have a repaired goblet with it's flaws or find a new piece of crystal.

He was/is your finance and he broke the vow even before the ceremony. How will he do 7 years into a marriage?

If you want to keep this particular piece of stemware for life then you better go to a professional repair shop and stop trying the DIY treatment.

It's your wine (time), pour it into whatever vessel you opt to,..as for Cr-Abby; I would have left the pieces on the ground and found some nicer flute at Tiffany's.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Been There in Springfiled, Mass

DEAR CR-ABBY: I'm writing regarding "Perplexed in South Dakota" (Oct. 15), who said "terrible things" to her friend in anger. The friend forgave her, but did not wish to continue the friendship.
I have been in that position, but my situation went beyond hurtful words. At the time, I was in a great deal of emotional pain and was devastated because I trusted the people involved. I struggled with forgiving them, and I am happy to say that I recently did.
Through the process, I learned two important lessons: First, forgiveness has everything to do with me and very little to do with the offender. By letting go of the hurt, I freed myself from the emotional bondage I was in.
The second lesson I learned was that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. When you lose trust in someone, it takes time to regain it. Sometimes the damage can never fully be repaired.
-- BEEN THERE IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

Dear Done That Outside of Boston,

Yes, many Bostonians have forgiven Bill Buckner but have not reconciled with him.

I'm curious if "forgiveness" does not provide for "reconciliation" then what is the difference?

As you point out the forgiveness is an internal choice to stop harboring ill will but the ex-friend will find the distinction somewhat vague.
I disagree with your assessment that "forgiving" plays any role toward healing without reconciliation. I guess it depends on what your definition of "is" is.

BTW; IN April of 2008,...the Boston Red Sox's began the real healing process of reconciliation by honoring Bill Buckner and letting him throw out the first pitch. If dye hard Red Soxs fans can get past a ball throw the legs why can't you remember all the good times you and your friend have and truly forgive the hurt of a singular incident.

Harboring grudges is the epipany of self indulgence.

Everyone drops an important ball from time to time,...does it have to follow that he/she can no longer play on your field?

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Frustrated Mom in Virginia

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My son says I scold him so often it has given him a complex. He constantly loses things -- coats, lunch boxes, expensive toys, games -- and damages property such as computers, my furniture, etc. He doesn't do it on purpose. It "just happens" (I think) because he is clumsy and heavy-handed, sort of a bull in a china shop.
He often bumps into people -- including me -- and never says "Excuse me," or even appears to notice. At first I would speak to him about these incidents and make him apologize, but after a while I lost my patience and started getting angry. His behavior has continued through high school.
My son is now 19 and still living at home, and these things are still happening. What am I supposed to do? Sit back and say nothing? This morning we were getting into the car to go to work, and he swung his lunch bag around and hit me in the head with it. It contained cans of soda, and it hurt. When no reaction or apology was forthcoming, I said, "You hit me in the head with your lunch bag," and he went off again about always being a failure and everyone always finding fault with him. -- FRUSTRATED MOM IN VIRGINIA

Dear Mommy Dearest in Cold Harbor,

I think Junior is using the ole,..".Oops, I didn't mean to crack your skull open ploy".

Easy cure here; he says you give him a complex, you say he hits/bumps you inadvertently without notice or apology.

Set him free; code for throw him out and see if his manners or your perceptions improve.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Baffled in NY

DEAR CR-ABBY: My daughter, "Giselle," is scheduled to have serious surgery soon, and she has forbidden us to come to the hospital. She wants only her husband to be there.
She has gone so far as to call us and make me promise that we will not come. She says we need to respect that she is a grown woman in her late 40s, and this is her decision and her way of dealing with the situation.
Giselle lives two hours from us, and she said she will let us know when we can visit for a few days. Her husband will contact us as soon as the doctor talks to him after surgery. But Giselle says that she simply "does not want to be surrounded by family."
I feel like we are being treated like family pets -- come when you're called; otherwise, stay out of the way. Up to this point we had a close relationship with her. We cannot understand her attitude. What do you think,Cr- Abby?
-- BAFFLED IN NEW YORK

Dear Bewildered in Buffalo,

The nature of the illness, the cause, the surgery or the nature of the risk maybe a very private, personal and scarry event for your daughter.
She clearly has decided not to add "maintenancing the family" to the list of things to worry about.

If you want to you could stealthy call your son-in-law and confirm with him that your non-involvement is what is best for all concerned right now. Unless he gives you a green light to hang out in the waiting room...stay away.
It is natural for a parent to want to support/protect a child regardless of age...try to think of it this way. If she has less to worry about she stands a better chance to recover.

So for now, your role is to pray but not pry.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Anti-Smoker in Michigan

DEAR CR-ABBY: My girlfriend, "Jasmine," has been seeing a therapist to deal with serious depression and anxiety issues, and I think she has done well for the most part.
I am just upset that she has taken to smoking with her co-workers to deal with stress. I don't like smoking. My mother smokes, and I find it disgusting.
I hate saying these things to Jasmine because when I do, she takes it personally. We have discussed this more than once, and she insists that my asking her to stop is "being controlling." I can't know what stress she is experiencing because of her emotional problems, but I do know that smoking isn't the solution.
I love Jasmine with all my heart, and it's devastating to me to say this, but I can't be with a smoker. Our relationship has been great, but I do not choose to spend my life in a haze of tobacco smoke. I am in college and every day I see kids my age outside freezing their butts off for a smoke because it isn't allowed inside.
Please help me, CR-Abby. This is something I can't compromise on. It's enough that I already have one person close to me who smokes -- I don't need another.
- ANTI-SMOKER IN MICHIGAN


Dear Relationship Up-In-Smoke In Detroit,

I don't like chain smokers and I don't abide anti-smoking Nazi's...the world would be a better place without either of you.
My guess is your controlling nature is the genesis for her depression. You may have the surgeon general, social trends and common sense on your side....Jasmine only has her right to make life choices for herself on hers.


That said, I side with Jasmine...take a powder and move on.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from 54 Years and Counting in Tigerville, SC

DEAR CR-ABBY:
"Young and in Love" (Oct. 31) does not need to "defend" herself. Lots of folks who marry young have successful marriages. I was 20, and my wife was 21 when we married. My mother thought I was too young, but signed the paper giving us permission because I was underage in the state where we were married. That was 54 years ago.
Our secret is a personal commitment under God to each other to make it work during the difficult times as well as the good ones.
-- 54 YEARS AND COUNTING, TIGERVILLE, S.C.

Dear Jailbait Junky in Felinetown,

Congrats on your 2 score and 14 years ago marriage and for bucking the odds. However, I have a much different opinion...

While it it true that marrying later is no lock for success, it is also true that the stats against teenage marriage are abysmal. That fact as well as what I see as a youth that takes longer to mature emotionally than in the past makes this even more troublesome.

God's little joke, or (natures evolving ways for you Secularists) is that they seem to be sprouting physically faster but emotionally stunted...a really tough combination.

Maybe "keeping it in the family" down south helps drive up the stats a bit but that comes with issues that run upstream to natural selection improvements.
So, keep up the great marriage and I agree that God in your life is a great cement...but I would not advocate that anyone who isn't sure which side of their lip to pierce should be comtemplating lifelong marriage commitment.

Cr-Abby .

Dear Abby Today, without Cr-Abby Edits

DEAR ABBY: This year, no resolutions, only some guidelines. The Holy Vedas say, "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature." The following prayer of St. Francis contains a powerful message:
"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
"Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
"Where there is injury, pardon;
"Where there is doubt, faith;
"Where there is despair, hope;
"Where there is darkness, light;
"Where there is sadness, joy.
"O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
"To be understood as to understand;
"To be loved as to love.
"For it is in giving that we receive;
"It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
"It is in dying that we are born to eternal life."
May this New Year bring with it peace and joy. And to one and all -- a happy, healthy 2009.
With love, ABBY