Dear Cr-Abby from Joe from Pennsylvania

DEAR CR-ABBY:
My problem is unusual, but I'm hoping if you address it in your column it will help. I'm a married man, confident in who I am, who wears skirts for comfort. I feel skirts are more comfortable than pants, which I find tight, restrictive and uncomfortable. I wear skirts around the house, when I'm out running errands and when I attend church. My clergyman has raised no objection to it.
After much research, my wife and I have concluded that the only thing against men wearing skirts is social pressure, and then only in certain countries -- America being one of them.
Pants are a relatively new style of clothing. For thousands of years of recorded history, men and women both wore skirts. Then women fought for and won the right to wear pants, shorts, whatever they wanted -- which is great. I believe men should have the same option. My wife supports me in this.
Our problem is some family members who disagree have talked behind our backs, started rumors and turned people against us with false information. How can I make them understand that they are entitled to their belief, but that they shouldn't gossip and create problems for us because I am not doing anything wrong?
-- JOE IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Dragster Joe in Pittsburgh,

Have you heard the expression "when in Rome, do as the Romans do"?
The expression applys to the century as well as the geogrpaphy. It is not 300 A.D., it's 2008 and Pennsylvania isn't Somalia.

You are running up stream to convention and then get prickly when others scorn or scoff at your choice. If you are as you say "fully confident in who I am as a man"....then why write to me for comfort and council?

Your wife may support your decision, but I bet she'd prefer to keep the skirts on her side of the closet if asked.

As for the "confining and uncomfortable contractions that come with trousers",...why not free ball it and have the best of both worlds. Swing free without defying convention...best of both worlds.

As for your letter,...I'll take a page from Shakespeare's MacBeth..."me thinks thou doest protest too much"...there is more to this story than you are letting on. I doubt this is about trousers trapping your Johnson, but more about a cross dressing closet case.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Sensitive Guy in Milwaukee

DEAR CR-ABBY:
I am a 24-year-old male who has been in a relationship with a great woman, "Hayley," for three years. She has excellent qualities, a good job, she's super loving and would be a wonderful wife someday.
My family loves Hayley -- but my buddies don't, and it is causing me to have mixed feelings. Some days I love her, but on others I want to break up. Then I think of how fantastic our lives would be together. It's weird, because Hayley doesn't change her personality -- it's totally my issue. I'm scared that if I break up with her it could be the worst mistake of my life, and I'll regret it.
Please give me some guidance and point me in the right direction to find the love I have for her.
-- SENSITIVE GUY, MILWAUKEE

Dear Comet Phobic in Green Bay,

Dude,...like I mean it's so rad one minute and then totally bogus then next.

Do Hayley a favor and piss off, grow up and try again when you reach maturity. Based on your current clock you should be marrying material about 2061,...ironically the next time we will see Hailey's Comet here on earth.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Afraid in Wisconsin

DEAR CR-ABBY:
Two years ago, a couple built a home on the lot next to ours. From the time they moved in, we have been concerned about their 11-year-old son's anti-social behavior. It began with him trying to coax our dog into his yard when we were trying to call her in.
Then he started coming into our yard, playing roughly with our three small children and using vulgar language around our 8-year-old daughter. He is no longer allowed in our yard and has been kicked out of three other homes in the neighborhood. The most recent incident occurred a few days ago, when he yelled a profanity at our daughter. I called his mother, and she told me her son would "never behave that way"!
Cr-Abby, this boy is creepy. I don't trust him. He stands in his yard staring at us whenever we are outside. I'm worried his behavior will get worse. Other neighbors have seen him abuse his dog and other animals. His parents never watch him. What do we do? I'm worried about my children's safety. -- AFRAID IN WISCONSIN

Dear Sick of Sid in Swedenville-West,

Cr-Abby's instinct was to jump all over this and make mean references and evil plans to help you purge the Damian child but, out of an abundance of caution I reread your letter and tried to extract out the tangible from the perceived.
He has a potty mouth, and your neighbors say he abuses his pets.

The first issue is not "life-threatening" but more reflective of an unengaged, unaware, or unwilling pair of parents. The second is a crime. If your neighbors are willing to "nut it up" then you all should call the animal control dept/police and have them engage the little brat (hopefully before his soul falls beyond redemption.

Be vigilant but not paranoid. Calling over your dog is not an evil act and perhaps you can kill this boy with kindness while the pros handle the disfunction in the home.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from It's My Home Too in Washington State

DEAR CR-ABBY:

A few months ago, I moved into a new apartment. The complex, while not luxurious, is quite nice.
A few weeks after I moved in, one of my neighbors informed me that the woman who lives across from me is running a business from her home. Her "services" are illegal, if you know what I mean. I have noticed that whenever I leave my apartment, or return to it, there is yet another strange man entering or leaving.
I am conflicted. This is my home, too, and I shouldn't have to worry about these characters. What if they mistake my door for hers? Also, I have overheard this woman on her cell phone making arrangements for these individuals to come over. She even gives out the gate code to them.
Although I would like to report these illegal activities, I'm afraid of retaliation. What is the best way to handle this? Or should I just look the other way and mind my own business, the way the other neighbors have?

-- IT'S MY HOME, TOO, IN WASHINGTON STATE

Dear Turn Off the Red LIght in Seattle,

One question before I advise...
Had your neighbor not ratted out the "working girl" would you have noticed or been concerned? My guess is you would not have noticed the men uhmmm err coming and going ?

One thing is for sure, your "vigilant neighbor" makes sure everyone knows what's going on with the various tenants. That should be food for thought,...I wonder what "conclusions" she has conjured up about you?

It maybe a good guess but not a LOCK that your neighbor is "in the biz", hardly enough to call the authorities. What if you and the nosy nag are wrong.

Unless and until it impacts your life I'd take a "hands off" approach.
What's that address again?

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Medium-Sized in California

WOMAN IS RELUCTANT BENCHMARK FOR CO-WORKER LOSING WEIGHT
DEAR CR-ABBY: I need some advice on how to handle a delicate situation at work because it's starting to get to me.
One of my co-workers, "Vicki," is overweight. She has been dieting and having some success with it. I support her efforts and am happy for her. However, she constantly makes comments to and about me. I often hear her comparing our looks, and I have heard her saying that we wear the same size. Cr-Abby, we don't.
As with many women, I struggle to maintain a positive body image. Vicki's constant comparisons are now shaking my confidence. It is the persistence of her remarks that is getting to me. I don't understand why she feels it is appropriate to comment on my body, size or looks. I didn't ask to be used as a benchmark for her weight loss. Should I say something or keep quiet? -- MEDIUM-SIZED IN CALIFORNIA

Dear Don't Play Limbo in LA,

Despite your women's perceptions as to the huge range of sizes there are really a finite amount of possibilities.Therefore, if and when Jumbo condenses her girth to fit your frame, you are not diminished nor have you increased.

Her myopia aside, your vunerability to her comments is as much an idictment as to your achilles heel as it is to her lack of ability to accurately measure.

This lack of measurement acumen is not women's faults it is us men who have perpetrated a bad frame of reference which impacts your ability to "size up someone" accurately.

For centuries males have claimed that _________________> is 6 inches.
Lighten Up (figuratively and figure wise),

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Not Laughing in Cincinnati

HUSBAND'S INSULTS IN PUBLIC HUMILIATE EMBARRASSED WIFE
DEAR CR-ABBY: I love my husband, but how do you make a man stop embarrassing you in public?
My husband flirts openly with cashiers right in front of me, and asks complete strangers walking by if they would "like to buy a wife cheap."
Yesterday we went out to lunch and the bill was $18.42. He made a big fuss about it with the cashier, then loudly informed me it was my "fat a--" meal that cost so much. CR-Abby, my meal was $6. I died a million deaths that day.
My husband is proud to have the nickname "Mr. Rude." Many of my friends avoid him because of his rudeness. He tells me people think it's funny, but I know they are offended. -- NOT LAUGHING IN CINCINNATI

Dear Not Amused in Ohio,

Next time he offers you "on the cheap" to someone...just say..."Hey, sex is so bad with this guy, I'll pay you to take me, but dont"t worry we'll get it back from him in the divorce settlement"!

He'll either get the hint or take the deal///either way you trade up!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Santa

Dear Cr-Abby,
Perhaps you can help me. For many years I have been providing a FREE service spreading Joy, Gifts and Goodwill across the globe. Despite a distinguish record and faultless execution of my duties less and less people acknowledge my efforts and some have even grown to no longer believe in me.
My energy derives from the love, trust and goodwill of others and this year I was barely able to keep my appointed rounds. I fear that next year will be even harder.
What should I do?
St. Nick
1 North Pole
Artic Circle

Dear Santa,

You probably don't get CNN on your television at home and therefore you may be unaware of recent events. You are an institution and therefore part of the underpinnings of faith in our system.

Though no fault of yours, you have become a victim of a crisis of faith in institutions of all types. Guilt by association. While you haven't played footsies in a Minnesota Airport restroom with a Vice cop, nor tried to sell a U.S. Senate Seat in illinois, you are "part of the system" and the system is in crisis.

Fear not, many still believe in you and many more while doubtful of your existence yearn to be proved wrong. Your star will rise again. We have a new President coming to Washington and there is hope that some semblance of competence and integrity will sweep into D.C. and then out through the plumbing to other sectors.

While I still believe in you, there are a few fairy tales I have had to part company with this year...

The existence of Morally-Centrict CEO's
The existence of Sexually Mature Politicians
The fundamentals of the Banking Industry

That said, you are all jake with me.

Merry Post Christmas...rest up, we are going to need a double dose of you next year.

Cr-Abby

PS; Please find a gift I tried to deliver to you below. I couldn't get it down the chimney and it will arrive a tad late via Train.

Dear Cr-Abby from Straight, not Narrow in Glendale, AZ

SAME-SEX MARRIAGE INTRODUCES UNIQUE QUESTION OF ETIQUETTE
DEAR CR-ABBY:
I hope you can help with an etiquette question. With same-sex marriage becoming more commonplace, how should I address a letter to a same-sex couple?
Example: Now that Ellen DeGeneres has married Portia de Rossi, would I write to "Mrs. and Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres"? "The Ellen DeGeneres Family"? or "Ellen and Portia DeGeneres"?
None of the manners books that I have checked has been able to provide an answer, and I have not seen the issue in print. What do you think?

-- STRAIGHT, NOT NARROW IN GLENDALE, ARIZ.

Dear Straight Laced in a Double Wide outside of Phoenix,

Go for simplicity..."To The DeGenerate's"

Just joking, you know ole Crabby doesn't care which side your bread gets butter on,..as long as you like it and are over 18.

This is a little new for everyone so I would think the couple in question would be happy to field your inquiry...they would see your question as a) honoring their union b) wanting to address them in the manner they prefer.

So, just ask!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Happily Ever After in Texas

MAN WHO WAS DUMPED GETS BOTH SUPPORT AND SUSPICION
DEAR CR-ABBY: I had trouble containing myself when I read the letter from "Mixed-Up in Missouri" (Sept. 21), the "nice guy" with a string of failed relationships because he is "too good to be true." Please let him know that he is truly a gem waiting to be discovered. He reminds me of my own "prince," whom I was finally able to find after a divorce, countless frogs, and 30 years of figuring out what I deserved.
Some women are scared of anything that is different, so when I man treats them well they question it to death. Believe me, I know. My husband and I married five weeks after we met because it just felt right. After 2 1/2 years of marriage, one son and another on the way, I have no regrets. My husband is the kind every woman should have. I would tell "Mixed-Up" that his time will come. Someone will cherish what he has to offer.

-- HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN TEXAS

Dear Blissfully Unaware in Beaumont,

Let me quote you,..
Some women are scared of anything that is different, so when I man treats them well they question it to death. Believe me, I know

And another quote...
My husband and I married five weeks after we met because it just felt right

2.5 years of marriage is a nice start, call me in 4,5 years and let me know how this is working for you.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from HArd Working Texan

WIFE'S CASUAL WORK ETHIC ANGERS HER DILIGENT HUSBAND
DEAR CR-ABBY: I work 5 1/2 days a week (46 hours) with no benefits. I can't afford to miss a day because, on the rare occasion that I must, I don't get paid.
My wife, "Kelly," misses work frequently because she is "sick," "tired," etc. She is in the same boat as I am -- no work, no pay. Kelly knows how tight finances are and how much I hate having to work almost six days with no time off. But she still misses work and treats it like it's no big deal. She says she understands our situation.
I would like to go back to school and get my degree, but I'm afraid to rely on Kelly to pay the bills while I'm in school. I am so frustrated with my wife because of her work ethic that I feel like exploding and screaming at her. How should I handle this situation?
-- HARD-WORKING TEXAN

Dear Hard Working Texan,

As a soon to be fulltime Crawford/Dallas resident can attest, working hard is only half the battle. You both need to work smarter or you'll end up with a 24% approval rating.

Tomorrow night make a meal and serve it on a nicely appointed table. However, have the portions already doled out on to each plate. Serve wifey the percent that she brings in and your portion should reflect your contribution. Do the same with the wine, and dessert.

Then begin the dialog with the 8 most beautiful words a Texas women can hear..."Honey, I don't want you to work anymore" Let's decide how best to get that goal accomplished because this (the current situation) isn't working for either of us.

Cr-Abby.

Dear Cr-Abby from Missing Something in Minnesota

WOMAN LONGS TO REALIZE HER DREAM OF FAMILY SISTERHOODDEAR CR-ABBY: I am happily married, but all my life I have yearned for a close and sisterly relationship with my mother and my sisters. We are very different people, but a kind and understanding female relative is what I have always wished for.They send me unsolicited advice, including articles about physical and mental health, diet pills and clippings on finances, etc., but we don't seem to be able to sustain good conversation, with listening or encouragement. I sometimes think people get so wrapped up in trying to "fix" others that they don't see the true beauty that lies within.I have expressed my feelings to them about wishing we could be closer, but was told that sisterly affection is a "myth." Unfortunately, I don't fit in with my husband's family, either. Family issues seem to be the recurring theme of my life. It's depressing. I work full-time, do charity work and have good friends outside my family, but I still long for a closer relationship with my family. Is there a way to let go of old dreams and wishes? With the holidays here, I have difficulty getting through this time without a bad case of the blues.

-- MISSING SOMETHING IN MINNESOTA

Dear Cardiac Void Near St. Paul,

To recap you have old issues with your family, lack of a fit with the in-laws and your question is how can you get a closer relationship with your kin or absorb the void without sadness...am I on the right track?Your family sends you advice and you don't feel the love. Sounds to me as if a little inward circumspection is in order as you aren't accepting responsibility for your loneliness.

My guess is your family is equally frustrated as you refuse to engage/correct your own repelling idiosyncracies which is the genesis for the separation.

Physician Heal Thyself!!!

Cr-Abby

PS; the only thing you are missing in Minnesota is a Super Bowl Trophy

Dear Cr-Abby from Dazed and Confused in St. Louis

COUPLE CONTINUES TO BE FAMILY AFTER A DOZEN YEARS OF DIVORCE
DEAR CR-ABBY: I have begun dating a woman I find very attractive. I'll call her "Rita." We have many things in common, and she's a lot of fun to be with.
The only thing that troubles me is that after 12 years of being divorced, Rita is still very much involved with her ex. Most of their children are grown. One is a senior in high school, and an older child still lives at home.
Her ex is allowed free access to her home, mostly to see the kids -- and comes and goes at will. They travel together to family functions and to visit children who live in other parts of the state.
Rita recently had her hair styled differently and told me she was annoyed that her ex didn't seem to notice. When he comes to her house to cook for the kids, he leaves the kitchen a mess, which she apparently cleans up.
Do you think Rita has gotten past the divorce? What would you say the odds are of having a successful relationship with her?
-- DAZED AND CONFUSED IN ST. LOUIS

Dear Confused in Cardinal Country,

When it's your castle the dynamic will change with out any intervention on your part (should you be so inclined to move forward). The Ex should get a little heads-up from his Ex about the change when you make it...it usually happens automatically. Right now it's Rita's castle with her ex probably tossing a few sheckles in the monthly pot (i.e. support payments).Therefore, you aren't the resident lion, just a drive by feline.

Don't stew about his relationship nor EVER try to minimize the interaction with his kids. You of course should have ever expectation that Rita has "the talk" with her ex when you cross over from the "bow" to the "resident Lion". YOu won't need to roar, and certainly no self-respecting lion whimpers, let the lioness handle the transition.

If she balks, you have your answer and find a new den.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Bewildered in Mississippi

THE QUESTION OF CHILDREN SLOWS GROWTH OF BUDDING RELATIONSHIP
DEAR CR-ABBY: I'm a 38-year-old woman who has been dating a 32-year-old man I'll call "Vinny" for three months. When I realized that I had developed strong feelings for him, I decided to ask him what his feelings were about our friendship and where he saw it going. Keep in mind, Vinny has no children, and I have two from a previous marriage.
Vinny told me he has developed feelings for me, too, but that he wants to have children of his own someday. I respect and understand his honesty. He also said he was scared, and that in the past, when he has felt he was getting too close to someone, he would pull away. That suggests to me that he is commitment-phobic.
My problem is, Vinny continues to call me several times a day and every night before he goes to bed -- although we have not been spending as much time together as we have in the past. Am I wasting my time? Should I start dating other people? I care a lot about Vinny and would like to be with him. -- BEWILDERED IN MISSISSIPPI

Dear Bewildered in Mississippi,
"Nuff Said"
Cr-Abby

*****************************PS*******************************************
Would this be your "Cousin Vinny"?

Men use the ole' commitment phobic jive the same we we say. "it's not you, it's me" when we break up.

Why does he call you at night? Does he yearn for you secretly but just doesn't know how to cross into the light....NOPE, he needs to get off before bed time. I'll bet the conversation starts with,.."Hi, honey,...what are you wearing?"

Move On,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Lyn in Charlottesville, VA

ORCHESTRATED GREETINGS STRIKE SOUR NOTE WITH CHURCHGOERS

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I take exception to your reply to "Minister's Daughter, Cayucos, Calif." (Sept. 8), who objected to the greeting and handshaking moment during church service that is dictated by the minister.I happen to agree wholeheartedly with "Daughter's" sentiments, as do many other members of my church. We feel that the moment is manipulated, interrupts the flow of the service and creates a false bonhomie. None of us is unfriendly, ungracious or reluctant to make others feel welcome in our church. But we would prefer to do it spontaneously -- before or after the service -- when we actually feel moved to make the gesture.

-- LYN IN CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA.

Dear Don't Touch Me I'm Praying,

I get it, church is a function you go through weekly to get your "A" ticket to feel good for the week. You can't be bothered by the riff raft and nevermind that love my neighbor crap...and the cooties....yuch!

Here's a tip, if you don't like such services where you might have to interface with 4 to 6 strangers for 10 seconds...go to the alter during the sacrament and ask for a double dose to kill that bug that crawled up your ass.

Or do everyone in the congregation a favor and find another shallow rite dispensery.

The only people who the minister is manipulating are those with hearts with a huge void.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Mom in St. Petersburg, FLA

DAD SAYS DAUGHTER'S INTEREST IN GIRLS MEANS NO SLEEPOVERS
DEAR CR-ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter, "Melissa," is bisexual. Most girls her age have sleepovers, but my husband says that any girl Melissa likes should be considered the same as a boyfriend, so it is not appropriate for her to spend the night.
I disagree. A girlfriend is not the same -- mainly because Melissa won't end up getting pregnant after spending the night with a girl. What do you think?

-- MOM IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

Dear Parental Unit in Dangling Chadville,

What would good ole St. Pete say...

Tell hubby that when his car spins out on a wet road he knows to "turn into the skid" to straighten (forgive the pun) out the vehicle. The same is true of teenagers. Think of it as opposite day. Here's an example of what not to do...

When my daughter was 17 she wanted to get a small tattoo of a little butterfly on her chest (below the viewable line I was assured). My ex-wife said yes, and I said no and the particular shop involved required both parents signatures (go figure). So, she couldn't get the tattoo. 4 days after she turned 18 she got a tattoo but she decided to flex her new found legal muscle and now sports a giant coy fish from her elbow to the top of her deltoid. Such reflects the strength of a fathers influence. Tattoos and orientation are about equally permanent.

You can also tell him that while many young people "know" what their orientation is very early,...many are still jello not yet put in the frig and there is wiggle room. When I was 14 I wasn't sure if I wanted to use my left or right hand when I errr uhmm relaxed (if you catch my drift). I was reasonably sure what movie I was playing in my head but it is not a "lock" which side of the bread you butter. That said, you might want to mentally prepare for a life with painters working the left side of the fence.

Now to the matter at hand,...girls sleep overs and boy sleepovers are different (the boys are far messier) beyond that not too much difference. It isnt the group thing you should fear (that is still a few years off) but I'd discourage the one-on-one until the jello is thick enough to hold a fork (18+)...just watch out for those tattoos.

If you fight her on the dumb stuff, you'll push the car off into the emergency lane for sure. If you play it smart and turn into the skid you might have a different result. BTW, what were you thinking, if you didnt want a muff diver, why did you name her Melissa,..it's almost a lock that Melissa's don't play ball.
Finally, a) to minimize the PC lashing I'm about to take and b) as a matter of perspective I offer this....

The world she is a-changing. You can remember your parents and grandparents being applaud at long hair, loud music,r dirty dancing, recreational drugs or sexual liberty...well guess what we just became our parents and next stop is the bi-sexual revolution. I'm not a player, but I suspect I'll be forced to sit in the audience and applaud.

Viva la difference!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Too Quick in San Jose

MAN'S CAREER IS TWO-YEAR DETOUR ON ROAD TO MARRIAGE
DEAR CR-ABBY: I have been dating "Felix" for six years. He moved in with me a year ago. We decided to do it because it made sense economically, and also to find out if our lifestyles meshed. We now know that we are compatible, and I feel that I am living with the man I would like to marry soon.
My problem is although I have a stable, high-paying job and am ready for marriage and children, Felix is not. He has given me the distinct impression that he has no plans to marry me for at least two years -- until he finds a higher-paying job and can support himself instead of depending on me.
I feel awkward not knowing when -- or if -- Felix will propose. I now realize that I acted too soon in encouraging us to live together. I don't know if I should just accept our living situation or ask him to move out until he's ready for marriage. How should I approach this without making him think I no longer love him?
-- TOO QUICK IN SAN JOSE

Dear Too Quick,
At first I thought you were going to write me about his err uhmm E.D. or Premature E.J. issues, but I see you suffer from the same illness many women do these days...
"got to have it all, Got to have it now" syndrome!

You love him, your compatable, you made the decision to "test drive" the living situation. He is guilty of wanting economic parity before he ties the knot and you are in a snit about it.

If he were such a decent fellow he could just get hitched with you and freeload. Of course with a name like Felix, maybe you can have a marriage where he keeps the house clean and you keep the house.
Kick him out and that is not a move forward, allow things to languish and you will be unhappy,...so you have to convince him that you are fine with you being the main income earner and that you will NEVER HOLD IT AGAINST HIM...EVER.

Then you may have a shot at the gold (well maybe brass) ring.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Disturbed in the Desert

COUPLE'S BOORISH HOUSEGUEST RUINS CHANCE OF ANOTHER STAY
DEAR CR-ABBY: My husband and I have built and begun using a second home. We have entertained some wonderful houseguests here.
Last weekend, a couple of longtime friends, "Shirley" and "Arnold," came to stay for three days. They were the most miserable three days I can remember, mostly because of Arnold.
He dominated all conversation, expected all his food to be served to him -- even though the dessert course was explicitly buffet-style -- made noises while eating and never once offered to prepare any food.
The final straw came during the last night of their stay. Arnold came into the living room in his pajamas, lay down on the couch and, when he saw what we were already watching on TV, said, "I prefer the History Channel." I was so dumbfounded I could only laugh.
Needless to say, we are not planning to invite Arnold and Shirley back (which creates some other problems). What, if anything, should I say to this couple? And are there any books or other resources on "how to be a good houseguest" that I can send him anonymously?
-- DISTURBED IN THE DESERT

Dear Slayed in Death Valley,
Assuming that your friends are in your same age group, I put it to you that this guy is beyond redemption/re-training and that his idiosyncracies will only get worse. Hence, my advice drop them off your list. Not sure what other problems that causes (as you hinted above) but if you are worried about the "wifey" getting caught up in the crossfire, rest assured she is already deep knee in it 24/7.

She is either incapable or unwilling of curbing his boorishness and/or has become numb to it's abrasive impact on others. In either case, she is a casualty of social warfare and cannot be rescued. She can only save herself if she is so inclined.
If by chance you find yourself in the unenviable position of hosting this larda## again,...I would very obviously...leave the meal at it's intended "pick up point" and when asked to serve, simply say...I'm the cook,..I don't wait and bus tables too and btw, you and my hubby are signed for dish duty.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Hurting in Corona, NY

YOUNG COUPLE LIVING TOGETHER SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME APART
DEAR CR-ABBY: My girlfriend, "Brandy," and I have been living together for about six months. Whenever she has any free time, she's out with her sister or one of her friends.
I am not a needy person, but I yearn for a little affection. Brandy quit her job, and I pay all the bills. I have been paying the bills for three months now, and it hurts me to the bone that she doesn't want to spend time with me. I see no reason why she wouldn't say thanks once in a while or show me some affection.
I must admit that I messed up with her a while ago, before she moved in. When we first started living together, Brandy would sit on my lap while we watched TV and hold my hand every once in a while. But now she says the mess-up is the reason she's not affectionate with me. It almost sounds like an excuse.
I am considering moving back home, but I love her very much. I'd like to work this out. I don't know what to do because every time I think about breaking up, I break down and cry. Help me!
-- HURTING IN CORONA, N.Y.

Dear Sucking Down Corona's,
If you want the wise and powerful Cr-Abby to offer any meaningful assistance you have to come clean with enough information. This "I messed up" confession is too vague to grasp what's up with YOUR FINE GIRL BRANDY...what a good wife she could be...yada yada yada...did you make a "sailor's mistake" or did you fart when she was on your lap....like I said...Cr-Abby needs data.

However, I have discerned one thing from your letter...Running home to mama and breaking down and crying are signs that you aren't ready to "nut it up and be a man" for Brandy or anyone else.

For all I know the mess up is a errr uhmm little friend you picked up and unknowingly shared with Brandy and the penicillin didn't do the trick.
So, sit down and fess up fully, but for now...you aren't ready for a fine girl like Brandy.

Go find your sac and DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT RUN TO MAMA.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from At My Limit in Grand Haven, MI

FREELOADER TAKES ADVANTAGE OF COLLEAGUE'S HELPING HAND
DEAR CR-ABBY: Four months ago, a guy I know from work asked if he could stay with me for a few weeks until he finished saving for his own apartment. Two weeks later he was fired from his job. When I told him he could stay, I said I wouldn't charge him rent, but that he would need to buy his own food, toiletries, etc. He did at first, but has since started helping himself to mine.
I have a 7-year-old son who lives with me, and I was recently laid off from my job. I am now living off savings and unemployment, and things are tight.
Cr-Abby, this guy isn't even looking for work. All he does is sleep all day and watch TV. Not only that, he tries to dictate what shows I watch and even turns the channel in the middle of a show when I go to the bathroom. How can I get this freeloader out of here?
-- AT MY LIMIT IN GRAND HAVEN, MICH.

Dear Up to Here in Less than a Grand Haven,
Grab tomorrow's paper and circle the help wanted section then grab the residential section and circle that heading too. Make a really nice breakfast and coffee...serve it to him with the paper.

Then say; Here's the deal...you have 2 hours to get up and look for a job and/or a place. BTW, it's my F'ing remote...if you are here this afternoon you can enjoy what I watch.

I am charging you "x $" per day as room and board...I expect to be paid 2 hours after you get your unemployment check.

Kiss Kiss,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Baffled in Charlotte

IT'S TIME FOR MOTHER TO PUT AN END TO BOY'S TANTRUMS
DEAR CR-ABBY: A little over a year ago, my sons -- ages 10 and 11 -- met a 10-year-old boy named "Adam" and have played with him often since. During this time, Adam's mother and I have cultivated a warm friendship that I don't want to lose.
The problem? My sons don't like to play with Adam anymore. They say he cries and storms out when he doesn't get his way. I have observed this behavior myself. His mom has commented on it to me, but doesn't know what to do about it.
How can I tell my good friend that my kids don't want to play with her son anymore? CAN I tell her? My sons have "sucked it up" several times now so I could visit with her, but I don't think it's fair to keep asking them to do that. My boys get along nicely with their other friends and would rather play with them. Is there any way to solve this?

-- BAFFLED IN CHARLOTTE

Dear Confused in Carolina,
Smells a little like "my kids do no wrong" and her's is a brat...may be true, may not be true. As it happens, I have another letter from another lady in Charolette...

Dear Cr-Abby,
I have a new friend who like very much...let's call her "Baffled", she has two boys and I just the one but they are of the same age. I had high hopes that we would have a great time together as the boys played and we chatted. The problem is these two boys play some very wierd and rough games and my son is always bears the brunt of their plans.
For example, when they play cowboys and indians my son is the one indian and her boys are the cowboys. When they play army, my son is the lone Italian and the boys are Monty and George S. Patton. Well, you get the point.
I told my son to suck it up and try to get along but last week was the last straw. They played a game called Energy and my boy was the American and her boys were Saudi Arabia and Iran...I just can't take it anymore, but I do love her company.
What should I do?
Cranky in Carolina

Well, Baffled, I think you have your answer!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Survivor in Ohio

ABUSE SURVIVOR FEARS TO TELL NEW GIRLFRIEND ABOUT HIS PAST
DEAR CR-ABBY: I am a 33-year-old man who has never been in a serious relationship until now. I have been seeing "Stephie" for eight months and think I may be in love with her.
I have successfully managed to evade Stephie's questions about my past and got away with it until recently. She keeps asking me about the scars on my body. (I was physically abused by my parents when I was a child.) Regrettably, I lied to her about the nature of the scars.
Stephie wants to be married and start a family, and so do I. She wants her kids to have a great dad, and I think I can be a very good parent. I would never do to my kids what was done to me.
On the one hand, I want an open, honest relationship with her. On the other, I'm afraid if I tell her the truth she will leave me, and I'll spiral into another five-year depression I may not be able to escape from.
My parents are both dead now, so I could continue to lie without Stephie ever knowing. But I get the feeling she doesn't entirely believe what I've been telling her. What should I do?

-- SURVIVOR IN OHIO

Dear Walking Wounded,

You have a tiny band-aid trying to mask a huge wound...it ain't working. Here's what you have to do,...

1) Tell yourself 16,000 times (more if necessary) I was abused, it wasn't my fault. It also wasn't Stephies' fault and you can't move forward with her without fixing what she doesnt deserve to inherit.

2) Tell your girlfriend that your feelings for her have inspired you to come clean and to do what is necessary to prepare for a deeper level of the relationship. Tell her the truth, you don;t have to take the deep dive in the story telling (your scars, will add whatever color to the ordeal necessary).

3) Then tell her, because you love her, you are going to start seeing a professional to deal with these here-to-for buried issues with the goal of returning to her in good shape and prepared to move forward...(the batting order here is critical). Truth-Mend-Reconnect

4) Go get some couch time with a pro,...seek specialists in this area and do the work necessary.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Furious in Alabama

TEENAGER CROSSES THE LINE PURSUING COUSIN'S HUSBAND
DEAR CR-ABBY: I am a 17-year-old, happily married girl, but I have a problem. My 15-year-old cousin "Rayleen" likes my husband. She calls his cell phone at all hours of the night, and last week she sent him a letter telling him that I was cheating on him (a lie!) and that when he decides to get a divorce from me, if he wants a "real woman" to give her a call.
Rayleen has always had a thing for older men, but this time she has just gone too far. I know my husband loves me and would never believe her, but I'm not sure how to tell my cousin to stop. I don't want to be mean, but she can't have him. -- FURIOUS IN ALABAMA

Dear Face Flush with Crimson Tidal Wave,
Girlfriend "it's on" there is no nice way to handle this hussie/harlot. You are going to have to get in the pit and duke it out. I'm curious what is your relationship with the cousins mother (your Aunt...right?). I assume you have already had a chat with this 15 year olds mother?
Also, hubby isn't off-the-hook here,...he needs to tell this gal (in front of you) to piss off!
BTW, I googled Raylene and it ain't pretty, well she is but her profession...see below.

Let's get ready to rumble, Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Had It in Beaufort, S.C.

AMOROUS SALESMAN DELIVERS PITCH UNCOMFORTABLY CLOSEDEAR CR-ABBY: Once a month, a trade representative I'll call "Bob" visits our office and flirts with me. I try to keep him at a distance, but he always tries to move close to me and changes his voice to be soft and seductive. Last month he told me I "smelled good," although I wasn't wearing anything fragrant. I assured him it was the eucalyptus incense behind him.Cr-Abby, Bob comes on so strong it scares me. I had my chair backed up all the way against my computer desk. I decided that the next time he came in I would make sure I had a co-worker close by. But when I did, he didn't act the same way. I have a feeling he won't act up again until we're alone.I loathe the idea of being alone with him in a room. I hesitate to ask a male co-worker to step in because I don't want to appear weak. What should I do to get Bob to back off?

-- HAD IT IN BEAUFORT, S.C.

Dear "Got Some in the Fort",

Oops, I meant,..Had It!

Is Bob married? If so, here's what you do...get one of those handy dandy tape recorders and the next time Bob tries to swoop in tape the conversation; show him the recorder and say unless you want this to go to your wife, you'd better treat me with a tad more respect and professional distance next time.If he's not married, applied the same technique and then send the tape to his boss along with a cancellation of your future business and find another source for paper clips or whatever widget he is shilling.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Mrs. Middle Class

WEALTHY FRIENDS' GENEROSITY TROUBLES MIDDLE-CLASS COUPLE
DEAR CR-ABBY: Our best friends, "Bill and Melinda," are financially well-off. My husband and I make just enough to get by. We have been friends for a long time, are extremely close and always have a good time together.
Bill and Melinda are always inviting us to go with them on expensive trips. When we say we can't afford it, they insist on paying. Cr-Abby, we don't WANT them to pay for it! We don't want to be indebted and are afraid they'll end up holding it over our heads.
Even when they pay for airfare and lodging, it still costs us a lot in meals and "fun" money. We try to pay for everything we can so we don't feel like freeloaders. Bill and Melinda don't seem to understand the financial strain these "vacations" put on us. They even offered to buy us a membership to their country club. When we explain that we're uncomfortable with them paying for everything, they tell us they don't want to go on these trips without us and that the money is no big deal.
How can we make them understand that we appreciate their generosity but are uncomfortable accepting their charity? We love them and our friendship but fear the money issue may drive a wedge between us. -- MRS. MIDDLE CLASS

Dear Along for the Ride,

Think of it as a "Bail Out", it's all the rage these days. Everyone, from the well-heeled CEO's to the lowly soon-to-be-evicted mortgage holders are doing it.
All joking aside here's the truth...

Rich People who don't have the same worries as you or I crave to enrich their lives with "experiences". Their wealth is seen as a tool to help acquire these "bucket loads" of stimuli but have good friends along for the ride doubles their fun,...you are porviding a service (as apparently you add a spice to their life they cannot find within their peer group).

I would suggests that you have a quiet, calm but serious caht with them to "clear the air" and set the boundaries. You like their company you just don;t like the "self-imposed guilt" that comes along. So, either sign up for "x" number of get aways a year that you can afford, or ask them to understand that in the future, you can only afford to commit "x" to "get aways" and if they are cool with picking up the slack...fine.

I suspect they will say,..."we enjoy your comopany, you enrich our lives and our money is ther to help us enjoy life and you are part of that.

You may be middle-class but apparently your friends see you and your husband as being in an elite class to itself

Then do as your comfort level will allow and no more.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Mary in Winston OR

SISTER OBJECTS WHEN CALLS ARE BROADCAST ON SPEAKER PHONE
DEAR CR-ABBY: About a year ago, my sister, "Pam," and her husband bought a new telephone with all the features, including speaker, where everyone in the room can hear and contribute to the conversation.
Anytime anyone calls, they automatically punch the speaker button. I learned the hard way one day when I was discussing something very personal with Pam and heard her husband make a comment in the background.
I find speaker phones extremely rude. Pam will do dishes, work in the yard, even walk away to another room while we're talking, and I feel she doesn't give me her undivided attention. I've tried making subtle hints such as, "I'm sorry, but I can't hear you," but that hasn't worked.
Other family members feel the way I do and call her less often because they don't want a group discussion. I miss the private chats I used to share with Pam. Any suggestions? -- MARY IN WINSTON, ORE.

Dear Mary You Little Lamb,

Rather than telling your sister directly that you strongly prefer to speak to her on the phone without the "broad-cast" device, you sit down and write to me...not a very direct line to the solution I'd say!

What is the deal? Was she the older sister and you routinely were bullied? Now you can't stand up for yourself?

Here's what you do...next time you all get together for dinner bring a megaphone and at the appropriate time turn it on and ask her to pass the peas.
She'll obviously ask what the hell you are doing,...and then you can offer a trade;...you keep the megaphone at home, and she can find the mute speaker button on her phone.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Former Baby Sitter in Albany

A GOOD SITTER'S SERVICES GO TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER
DEAR CR-ABBY:

Regarding "Feels Like a Fool in Gainesville, Fla." (Aug. 11), who complained that her friend "stole" her baby sitter -- I have news for that woman. Baby sitters, even those under 18, aren't indentured servants who serve only one master. A baby sitter is a free agent who can work for anybody she wants. What is that baby sitter supposed to do -- keep her schedule open in the hope this woman is going to call her? What if she doesn't? The baby sitter loses income.
"Feels Like a Fool" is selfish. It's a free market, and baby sitters in demand should work for the families who pay them the most, have the best-behaved kids and offer the tastiest snacks. If someone wants an exclusive arrangement, then put the baby sitter on retainer.

-- FORMER BABY SITTER, ALBANY, N.Y.

Dear NY Capitol Caregiver Advocate,

Yep, money talks BS walks and loyalty is out the window...but that works both ways. Hence, don't whine when Consuelo from Honduras under cuts the going rate and your gum chawing chum is out of work.

Of course, this "grasp your work value" lesson is important. Here's a gal that used to provide a service and got $5K a night for tending to the NY Governor.

Now that's what I call a "Well Heeled Free Agent"

(well except for that Free part).
Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Protective Lioness in Atlanta

MAN LANDS IN HOT WATER AFTER SON SPILLS THE BEANS
DEAR CR-ABBY: My husband and I are still at odds over something that happened months ago. He, his best friend and my 13-year-old son, "Mark," went to spring training in Florida. On one of the days, they went to lunch at a restaurant that features scantily clad waitresses. My husband told Mark not to tell me about it and to leave the telling to him.
When they returned home on Sunday after their three-day weekend, Mark let it slip where they had gone for lunch one day. I hit the roof!
Mark is a very young 13. I was furious that my husband took him to a place that Mark described as making him feel "uncomfortable" because of all the skin that was being shown. After I jumped on my husband for doing it, I heard him outside yelling at Mark for telling me before he had a chance to.
I'm being accused of overreacting, Cr-Abby. Am I?
-- PROTECTIVE LIONESS IN ATLANTA

Dear Catty Cracker,

Lunch with Dad at Hooters is part of the bonding/mentoring program. Your son broke a Solemn Oath of the Guy Guild and should be punished with a wedgie from the brotherhood.

This is too deep an experience for you frail females to understand.

Don't interfere with this Right of Passage.

Stand down and get back to peeling the taters!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Curious Student in Houston

GAMING THE SYSTEM IS NOT ACCEPTABLE IN ANY COUNTRY
DEAR CR-ABBY: I am a foreign exchange student studying in the U.S. Other exchange students and I have been debating two questions.
The first: Is it OK to buy a movie ticket and watch two or three movies? Some say "yes" because theaters tolerate it in the hope that customers will buy snacks and drinks in the process. Others say it goes against the honor system.
The second is: Is it wrong to return merchandise you never intended to buy in the first place? Example: to buy a novel and return it after reading it. My friends say bookstores expect a certain number of returns and build it into the cost of the books. As long as the book is kept in good condition, it's OK. Other friends stress, however, that this, again, is taking advantage of the honor system.
What is your opinion? -- CURIOUS STUDENT IN HOUSTON

Dear Temporary Texan,

Whether you subscribe to Christian Values or Karma Curses, you can put Cr-Abby in the "NO" camp on your questions. Even if you are one of those lucky few who can "get away with anything almost always" there is the one thing you can't evade...the self-inflicted wounds to your feelings of self worth.
Your scenarios are painted in the "innocent areas" of fouls but there is only one true form of Integrity and that is the one that moves you to do the right thing, even when no one is looking.

Husbands don't cheat on their wives (or visa versa) they cheat on themselves. For very short term gain (some shorter than others) you sell out your "truth marker".

So, go back to the Dean's office and tell him your real address and quit taking government money intended for U.S. Citizens.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Loner in Long Beach

WOMAN CELEBRATES HOLIDAYS QUIETLY AND HAPPILY ALONE
DEAR CR-ABBY: Now that the year-end holidays are here, I find myself once again in the sometimes difficult position of having to explain to acquaintances and co-workers why I don't celebrate them.
I am single. My parents died many years ago, and I have no family. My only surviving sibling and his wife are both alcoholics who drink to excess over the holidays and cause tension in their family. I have attended Al-Anon meetings, and because I refused to look the other way while they were drinking, I was cut off.
Co-workers take time off at Christmas, but I take mine at other times of the year. Over time, I have found that I would rather spend a so-called holiday catching up on correspondence, taking a walk, reading a good book or sewing. Outside of work or professional organizations, I do not do anything about the year-end holidays. I understand the religious and historical significance of these celebrations and keep them in my heart, but do not observe them in a visible manner. This is my choice.
When people ask me what I'm doing for the holidays, it is an awkward moment. How can I gracefully explain that I choose to keep the holidays in my heart only and enjoy the day as a small vacation for myself? -- LONG BEACH LONER

Dear Santa's Soloist in Sandals,

While Cr-Abby applauds your stiff upper lip, living life alone is not something to embrace but to be tolerated. You can't chose your family and can't change the decisions the grim reaper makes but you can nurture relationships/friendships and seek out people who could be your "chosen family". Those friends who earn your respect and friendship and you reciprocate".
Holidays can be depressing times for any of us with the pressures to perform, give, travel etc. Your plan is good that it avoids the "rat race" associated with the commercial side of the holidays, so as to what to say to passers by who inquire as to your plans...you can routinely say..."I plan to avoid the craziness"...and they will no doubt nod with understanding and a small degree of envy.

That said, you need to reach out to the world and not hermit-ize yourself...it isn't healthy and friends can help each other in ways family cannot. Don't void your self of this spice of life AND it comes with the caveat that you get to pick your friends and they you.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Deceived in Arizona

COUPLE THROWS A WEDDING, BUT NEGLECTS TO GET MARRIED
DEAR CR-ABBY: My husband and I just found out that his daughter and her boyfriend duped everyone -- including us -- with a formal, traditional wedding ceremony, but the "marriage" is not legal. They had no intention of being legally wed, but felt that because they are having a baby, they were entitled to a formal wedding.
We paid a large amount of money to attend this wedding, Cr-Abby, including gifts and a bridal shower. When confronted, they showed no remorse for their deception. In fact, they are extremely arrogant about it. They say it's their personal business and consider themselves "married in the eyes of God."
I am furious over this scam, which affects more than 100 family members and friends. Please advise. -- DECEIVED IN ARIZONA

Dear Duped in the Desert.
I'm not sure I understand your outrage. You (as parents of the faux-bride) attended a ceremony, enjoyed a reception and paid for same. Ms. Manners would back me up that traditionally that ticket is on you. What is lacking (apparently) is the State sanctioning of the rite.

They have opted not to get their relationship duly recognized by Janet Napoliano and company...so what's the big deal.
Okay, I get it, you feel that there was deception in play and want some pay back...

Okay, here's what you do,...
This Christmas,...address a holiday card to Mr. and Mrs "X" and stuff this Christmas card with monopoly money and when they open their card simply say..."hey, when you two get properly hitched, we start giving you currency duly sanctioned by Uncle Sam".

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Lacking Closure in San Jose

COUPLE'S HAPPINESS GRATES ON MAN WHO FELT BETRAYED
DEAR CR-ABBY: My first serious relationship lasted a year and ended more than eight years ago. "Stacy" was terrific, but we were very different, and our relationship came to an amicable end.
Several months later, I heard that Stacy had begun dating a close friend of mine, "Alex," soon after our breakup. Needless to say, I was devastated. Alex's betrayal was as painful or more so than that of Stacy. I broke off all contact with them in an attempt to salvage my dignity. I haven't spoken to either one since.
All these years later, I am happily married to a wonderful woman. I hear through the grapevine occasionally that Stacy and Alex are still together. Whenever I do, I feel unaccountably upset. It's not that I'm pining for an old flame, because I wouldn't trade my wife for any woman on Earth. I have thought a lot about it and believe I am clinging to the naive belief -- or hope -- that people who do unkind, deceitful things always come to regret it in the end.
I am grappling with the guilt of wishing unhappiness for two people who are obviously happy together. I can't help it, but I know I'd be glad if I learned they'd broken up. I am confused and embarrassed about why I even still care. Your thoughts, please?
-- LACKING CLOSURE IN SAN JOSE

Dear Don''t Know the Way to Closure in San Jose,..
...I say a lttle prayer for you....
Forever and ever you can languish over the past...tra la la

First, you have carried this grudge too long (which you have admitted here in your note to ole Crabby) but you lost me even earlier in your story...
Where was the betrayal? You don't know that your two ships passed in the same night, you have made this assumption. So, I don't get the basis of your hurt feelings to begin with, to say nothing of this harboring of ill will for so long.

You have moved on in another relationship (happily married to a wonderful woman). If there is any betrayal going on it is you betraying your wife by keeping these feelings and wasting precious energy on feelings for another when you should devote that time and attention to the matter at hand...YOUR CURRENT MARRIAGE.

As Cher told Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck....SNAP OUTTA OF IT!!!

Of course, that movie ended differently than it should for you.

Stay the course!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Happily Married in Corpus Christi

CO-WORKERS TRY TO BURST BUBBLE OF WOMAN'S HAPPY MARRIAGE
DEAR CR-ABBY: I have been married for 15 years to the sweetest man in the world. We love each other, we like each other, and I feel truly fortunate.
I was recently involved in a conversation with some co-workers who were discussing marriage, and they asked me what I would do if my husband left me. I told them I trust my husband completely, and I know he would never leave me.
I was then informed that I am living in a fairy tale! The rest of the conversation was spent trying to convince me that my husband will eventually leave me, even though none of these people has ever met him. He has never cheated on me. I tried to explain that there are still some decent men in the world, but they refused to accept it.
Cr-Abby, I prefer not to live my life looking for negative things because I believe it taints relationships. I believe that if I continue to view my marriage as blessed and wonderful, it will be. Why can't people allow others to be happy? What prevents these people from seeing good instead of bad and, more important, why can't they see that there are couples in good marriages who are committed to making them work?

-- HAPPILY MARRIED IN CORPUS CHRISTI

Dear Delightfully Deluded near Dallas,

This co-worker was clearly trying to plant some mistletoe atop the company copier with you and you should pay him no heed. That said, I think you should not allow such a conversations to go on very long without a shrap rebuke. Make it clear where you stand.

Most people don't go "looking for affairs" it is the unfortunate alignment of the temporary ebbs and flows of a marriage intersecting with a flirty conversation coinciding with a power failure at work. Add a less-than-morally grounded suitor in the mix and "poof", bliss begats betrayal. The imps and gnomes are always at work and unless you are vigilant those forces can lead a value-centric person to cross that line.

Be vigilant not to drift to close to the flame dear moth, your wings will get singed and your ability to fly happily along will be forever injured.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Blown Off in South Carolina

PROMISING CONVERSATIONS TURN TO EMPTY WORDS IN DATING GAME
DEAR CR-ABBY: I consider myself to be a nice, normal person. I know how to make interesting, intelligent conversation that can engage just about anyone. When I go out socially, I often meet people and we hit it off.
Typically, by the end of the conversation, there comes a point where it is decided -- usually by the other person -- that we exchange information, which includes phone numbers and e-mail addresses. I generally wait a few days before calling, or until an occasion arises to invite the person to participate with me.
When I call or e-mail, I always leave a message, but I almost never get a response back. Sometimes I wait to see if the person I just met calls me first, but it never happens.
Do people just pretend to be interested in me, or am I fooling myself? Or are they just too busy to make the effort to have another friend? I don't understand it. Am I missing something?
-- BLOWN OFF IN SOUTH CAROLINA

Dear Me Thinks Thou Doest Protest Too Much in Charleston,

"I'm witty, engaging, nice, and a social dynamo"...Well aren't you the cat's meow?...but then you get blown off.

You are confused as to where the disconnect is...one question!

Do you have a nice rack?

Thought not, buy one!!!

All we be solved and you will be beating off those Good Ole Boys with your hickory stick!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Wife in Dayton Ohio

HUSBAND PLANS INFIDELITY IF WIFE IS INCAPACITATED
DEAR Cr-ABBY: I need some serious advice. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis a year ago. My condition is stable. I have taken the necessary precautions such as dietary changes, exercise and prescription medications.
My husband and I have been married eight years. This is my second marriage and his third. My husband is a very stubborn man. Once he makes a decision he stands by it until death.
He has recently announced that should I become incapacitated and unable to perform my "wifely duties," he is going to find a "sex buddy." What should I do about this announcement? -- WIFE IN DAYTON, OHIO

Dear Hubby Planning to "Date-on" in Ohio,

This 3x loser is telling his wife (who is ill) his plans for "life after" is about as low as my "human being worth" scale can measure. My first instinct was to put you in touch with a lady named "Lorena Bobbit" for some ginzu knife lessons.
Your husband could have used discretion IF there was not a work around. Frankly most guys have multiple ways we can purge the demons and your role could be customized to "git-r-done".

That said, his demeanor and lack of sensitivity warrants a different course...we all get old, we all will need help at sometime as our bodies lose the fight with mother nature and father time. He doesn't appear to be the hand holding type and that probably means he'll be the worst cry baby when it is his turn in the time marches on parade.

Dump Him, do it today!!!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Heartbroken in Milwaukee

OVERWORKED MOM GETS ATTITUDE INSTEAD OF HELP FROM DAUGHTERS
DEAR CR-ABBY:
I spent last Thanksgiving weekend with tears streaming down my face. Both my adult daughters spent the holiday with us.
I served dinner to more than 20 people and got no help cleaning up until Friday morning when I had a meltdown and demanded some.
Then my older daughter said, "Sorry," in a sarcastic tone, and my younger daughter responded with, "Anybody mind if I take a shower now?" (My husband works third shift and helps me as much as he can.)
I spent all that day loading and unloading the dishwasher, and putting things back where they belong. My daughters spent the day shopping, visiting friends and watching TV.
I have spent my life trying to make holidays special for my daughters so they would have happy childhood memories. All my hard work seems to have backfired. Instead of wanting to participate in making these memories happen, they have developed a sense of entitlement -- as if I am obligated to do everything. My daughters revert to being children the minute they cross the threshold, expecting me to be their mommy, cook and maid who attends to their every need. I have spoken to them about this repeatedly. They always promise to do better, but never do until I cry.
Please print this. I know I'm not the only mother who suffers this way. Maybe your response can save us all.
-- HEARTBROKEN IN MILWAUKEE

Dear Aorta On the Fritz in Cheeseville,

Your obligation to "serve up" memories is over and clearly your daughters find a way to eat the other 364 days of the year. So I think it is time for you to start a new tradition...

Turkey in Tahiti

Save up and next year you and your hard working hubby should go on a vacation...send out holiday cards that say "Kitchen Closed for Holidays" Merry Christmas!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Nicely Negative in Burlington NJ

LEARNING TO TURN DOWN DATES IS A CRITICAL LESSON FOR GIRLS
DEAR CR-ABBY:
I would like to encourage all parents of daughters to teach their girls how to say "no" clearly and with grace.
My teenage son asked a girl to the homecoming dance recently. She said, "Oh, I'll have to think about it. I don't know whether I want to go or not." She may have thought she was sparing my son's feelings, but it left him in limbo. He figures she doesn't want to go, which is OK, but he can't ask anyone else because she hasn't said yes or no.
My son's question should have been answered with, "Yes," or "No, thank you," or "I'll have to check. I'll let you know by Monday."
Cr-Abby, learning to say no is an important skill all women should have throughout their lives. It's imperative to know that if we mean "no" we shouldn't say "maybe." Likewise, hearing a "no" is something young men need to learn how to deal with as well.
Being able to say no to a boy who asks for a date may seem small, but it may make saying no later to something major that much easier.

-- NICELY NEGATIVE IN BURLINGTON, N.J.

Dear Strung Along in Jersey,
Too bad your former Governor didn't get turned down by his wife. She wouldnt have had to find out the VERY HARD way that her hubby was GAY.
http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/m/james_e_mcgreevey/index.html?inline=nyt-per

Anyway back to women who string us along and then dash out our hopes after a long ride on the Hope Express to nowhere...been there done that!

I agree with your plea but it sounds too needy to me and women sense and abhor weakness.

You don't really hold sway over other people's daughters but you can train and prep your sin. Tell him to use the old "if I..."x" will you..."y" close". Where "x" is something tangible of interest to the lady and "y" is what your son wants. Then tell him to say,..this offer expires at midnight.

Repeat process until a date is secured...in my experience it is a 3 day average.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Living with a Ghost in Kansas

WIFE RELUCTANT TO LET GO OF DEAD HUSBAND'S FAMILY
DEAR CR-ABBY: When my wife, "Kiki," and I married three years ago, I had been divorced for 11 years, and she had been widowed for eight.
The problem we're having is she continues to want to spend the holidays with her deceased husband's family. They are nice people, but I don't feel comfortable with it. Kiki and I have talked about starting our own traditions, but she insists that she doesn't want to cut those ties. Sometimes I feel like I am living with a ghost.
I have spoken to other members of her family. They have agreed that she needs to cut those ties, but my wife is stubborn about changing her holiday routine. Your thoughts on this, please?
-- LIVING WITH A GHOST IN KANSAS

Dear Up Against Stiff Competition Near Cofeyville,

This one is easy,...at these extended wake holiday get together's start flirting with the dead hubby's sister, cousin or whichever kin turned out to be the family hottie.
Your wife will soon learn to loathe these saance's and you can then ween her of the stiffs. Invite them over to your place for the various holidays and it will wane in a natural and expeditious manner.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Billy in Galveston

DEAR CR-ABBY: I don't want to make my friend "Ryan" mad, but he does something that makes me feel weird. When we go to the mall to hang out, he always wants to go to the big stores. You know those dummies on display wearing clothes? Well, Ryan likes to feel them up! He thinks it's cool to go up to a female dummy and feel her breasts.
When he does it, he giggles. People stare and I have to leave. I told Ryan I don't like it. He says, "Whatever ..."
Ryan is my best friend. Is what he does natural for a 13-year-old? I like looking at real girls on the beach. He says that's boring, and he'd rather feel up the store dummies. What's up with that? What should I do? -- BILLY IN GALVESTON

Dear Willy Under Control in East Texas,

There is no such thing as "Normal" when it comes to 13 years old boys and hormones. We all deal with our coming out party differently and clearly you gauk and he gooses.
So, I have no advice other than to get him a girlfriend.

For Christmas buy him an old video of the movie "Mannequin". Show him on the box the rating and explain it was not a documentary and that in real life women can turn to stone but the reverse is not true of store dummys.

Cr-Abby