Dear Cr-Abby from Offended in Wisconsin

BAD FEELINGS SPOIL WHOLE BUSHEL OF NEIGHBOR'S APPLES

DEAR CR-ABBY:

Two weeks ago, out of the blue, my middle-aged neighbor, "Ed," brought over a bushel of apples from his tree. He told me he didn't want them to go to waste, and he wasn't going to do anything with them. I told Ed I didn't want them, but he left them with me anyway.
Reluctantly, I spent my days off peeling, coring and cooking them into batches of apple crisp, pies and jam. I gave away all of the items to friends and family, and saved one pie to give to Ed.
When I took it over to him, he said, "Is that it? What did you do with all the rest?" When I told him I had given everything else away, Ed got upset and said he should have gotten more because they were his apples!
Cr-Abby, I am just furious. I didn't want, ask for or need those apples in the first place. I worked hard preparing them, and the last thing I expected was for my neighbor to be so ungrateful. Am I overreacting? I seriously want nothing more to do with the man.
-- OFFENDED IN APPLETON, WIS.

Dear Crab-Apple Annie,

You know the saying "No good deed goes unpunished"? Welcome to the club of the unappreciated.
Little Jack Corner can stay in his corner and put his thumb in someone else's pie or stick it somewhere else and pull out whatever he wants.
I'm going to take a wild a## guess,...your neighbor is a widower with a crooked finger who chases kids out of the yard...right? He might be my brother...I'm the nice one!!! :)

Last piece of advice,..Recipe for Revenge

Buy one dozen apples..... $2,
Buy one of those big 3ft diameter tin tubs...$20
Fill it with water.....10 cents
Take it over have him bob for apples, hold hs head under the water for a long enough time to get his attention..............PRICELESS

OR if you prefer a more subtle approach buy a DVD of the movie American Pie and write a note for your neighbor...."Hey A##hole, next year when your apples are ripe,...bake your pie and watch this movie so you know what you can do with your apples and your pie"!

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Uncertain in Long Beach

DESERTED GAL PAL CAN'T DENY PAIN OF STRAINED FRIENDSHIP

DEAR CR-ABBY:


My friend, "Steven," and I have known each other 10 years. He and I have seen each other through many good times, and a few bad ones.
Most recently, Steven was in a relationship with a woman who couldn't stand the thought of his having female friends. So, for the last 18 months, the only contact I have had with him was via e-mail -- and that was very seldom.
Steven recently e-mailed me saying he had broken up with this insecure woman. He expressed how sorry he was for the limited contact, and said he would like for us to rebuild our friendship. I'm thrilled to finally have my friend back, but I also feel somewhat resentful toward him for his having discarded me.
Cr-Abby, I missed Steven. But how can I be his pal again when I am still hurt by his blatant disregard for our friendship and my feelings over the past year and a half?


-- UNCERTAIN IN LONG BEACH



Dear Uncertain,

You may be uncertain but I'm not...you are the friend who is the port for his emotional ship when he isnt on the high seas. It is obvious that the two of you are not going sailing together hence you can be CERTAIN that your reconnection is going to last as long as his dry spell.

It is possible that his next girlfriend maybe more agreeable to your on-going friendship than the last, but that is not the norm and it's probably not the only reason he cuts you off when he is "involved".

Friends come in all shapes, sizes and levels of closeness...you can keep this one in your circle of friends provided you steel yourself to the pending reality of the nature and depth of the friendship.



Since this last experience was hurtful to you I suspect your expectations of his friendship is higher than what he can provide consistently. Hence my advice is to toughen up or opt out.



Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Torn and Hurt in Illinois

MOM WORKS TO PICK UP PIECES AFTER AFFAIR SHATTERS HER FAMILY

DEAR CR-ABBY: A few months ago I discovered that my partner of 14 years, "Curt," had been sleeping with my 20-year-old son, "Troy's," girlfriend, "Jenna." Our family is crushed at the betrayal; Curt crossed so many boundaries. We have a daughter together, and she considered Jenna her sister. I hurt for myself as well as my son, who can't believe that the man who helped raise him would do this to him.Jenna admits that the affair is half her fault. She had been sending Curt provocative photos of herself. Troy has forgiven her. When he told her he was still willing to work on their relationship, she ended it with Curt.I have kicked my former partner out of the house. No one wants anything to do with him or Jenna. However, I told Troy I would support his desire to repair his relationship with her. I feel I owe it to him after what his "stepfather" did. My problem is, I'm having trouble actually doing it.I am so conflicted! The holidays are nearly here and so is Troy's birthday. While I would like to accept Jenna for my son's sake, I hate her for having so little respect for me and my feelings that she'd have sex with the man I loved. -- TORN AND HURT IN ILLINOIS

Dear Torn in Obama-ville"

Partner of 14 years" is that code for shacking up with a guy and kids from mutliple partners with no legal document?...sounds as if Jenna isnt the only one who keeps her boundaries a tad flexible.

Perhaps a little self examination and introspection might clear your senses enough to forgive Jenna for "doing in Rome as the Romans do". BTW, is her last name Jamison?

My advice, if you want to live your life within certain codes of conduct begin with your own actions and set the example accordingly.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Gloversville NY Voter

VOTERS VALUE THEIR PRIVACY IN HEATED ELECTION SEASON
DEAR CR-ABBY: I am writing in regard to the letter from "Registered Voter in North Carolina" (Sept. 23). I never tell anyone who I voted for, not even my husband (even though I usually tell him everything). It's not that I don't want him to know, but we respect each other's rights to voting privacy. We have lots of discussions about the candidates and issues, and both research them together. We have similar political views, and through our discussions we pretty much "know" who the other voted for.
I hate when people ask me who I am voting for, and I always decline to state. My husband went to war to protect our rights -- including the right to privacy -- and more people should respect them. -- GLOVERSVILLE, N.Y., VOTER

Dear NY Voter,

Unlike the lady in North Carolina (where there really is a contest)...we dont need your vote nor opinion in New York.

Like we don't already know how New York is going to vote!

Your state has been a blue state for more than a few score and seven years ago! This year is not going to be an exception. Take the night off and take hubby out to watch the streets in select neighborhoods...should be fun. Maybe Wall Street will riot :)

As for those inquiring minds as to your mind set... just tell the pollsters you No Habla,...they'll put you down as an Obama supporter and ACORN will try to register you a few more times..

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Divided Friend in Santa Cruz

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I'm 15 and I detest my best friend's boyfriend, "Chip." He is racist, homophobic and sexist. He is also blatant about his opinions, whether or not people want to hear them. All of "Sadie's" other friends agree he's a complete jerk, and not only that, he takes up all her time.
Sadie is smart. She realizes Chip has those traits. Somehow she doesn't care about his defects and looks past them. I'm not really scared for her safety. Chip seems to be nice to her.
I can't stand to be around the guy, but that means I don't get to talk to my best friend most of the time. I am trying to be nice to Chip, and I have talked to Sadie about this, but nothing works! Please help. I'm at the end of my rope.

-- DIVIDED FRIEND IN SANTA CRUZ, CALIF.

Dear Swinging for Sadie in Santa Cruz,

Generally, Boys develop slower than the Girls and the myopia a girl has for her "BO" is one of the great mysteries of life. I think it is a genetic thing that allows the two sexes to get together in the first place.

Men lose their hearing at about age 22 so they can stand to be in the same room. Girls lose most of their olfactory senses to put up with the smells we men emit. Were it not for these adjustments the species would die out relatively quickly.

Now just to be on the safe side here,..your interest in your girl friend is platonic...right? I mean you aren't swinging for Sadie from left field are you?

If so, none of her boyfriends will measure up.

My advice, find your own stinking racist boyfriend and let those two boys bound in the garage while you two connect in the kitchen. That way you both can wait for them to get their knuckles off the ground and share mutual OMG "he said what?" stories.

Alternatively, you could go for the long ball and find a nice gay, minority friend to hang with and double date...that would be fun...Dinner and a Show :)

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Scared in San Diego

DEAR CR-ABBY:

Please help me. I wasn't sure how to handle an uncomfortable situation last Halloween, and your answer will help me be better prepared this year. I took my 4-year-old daughter and 2-year-old niece trick-or-treating. We only walk up walkways that are well-lit. As we approached one house, an older gentleman was waiting at the open door, handing out candy to the kids.
Before I could process what was happening, he whipped out a camera and took a picture of my daughter and niece. I was not comfortable with it at all. But what could I have possibly done or said without being rude? Our neighborhood is a safe area, but in this day and age you can trust no one.
Do you think it was inappropriate for an older man to take pictures of someone's children? What would be the proper way to handle it this year?

-- HALLOWEEN ESCORT, SAN DIEGO

Dear Thriller Killer,

If "you can't trust anyone these days" (your words) why would you accept candy from countless strangers by participating in the candy begging ritual at all? Politicians and their opportunistic pile on of laws and the 24/7 news cycle has all of us believing that Johnnie the Child Molester has a huge family of similarly minded sickos. We are being conditioned to believe that evil lurks behind every door or Bush. The truth is only some Bush's are evil and as you live 3000 miles from him should be fine.
His home was well lit, you came to his door and the only thing he did wrong was take pictures...if you live n the neighborhood don't you know him? Is he creepy generally or is this the only event that registered on your creepy scale? If he hasnt acted strange in the past then why worry now? If he has,...why did you go there?

By the way, ironically I just got this letter from your neighbor...

Dear Cr-Abby,
Last Halloween I had a near death experience and I am concern how best to protect myself this year from a repeat. You see these kids came to the door with an adult who at first I thought was their chaperon. She acted so strange and gave me such a wierd look and was dressed just like the picture the News people showed of a home invasion robbery suspect in Minnesota. I thought she might be using halloween and the kids as a front to attack me. I took their pictures just to be on the safe side, you know; you just can't trust anyone these days...advice?
Scared In San Diego

Get a lIfe away from the telly. The world may have wackos but the population of wackos is so small it is no reason not to live a normal life. Trust your neighbor until real evidence to the contrary is shown and he/she might afford you the same consideration.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Shannon's Former Sister

FOR ESTRANGED SISTER, CASUAL QUERIES ARE A THORNY ISSUE
DEAR CR-ABBY:
My sister, "Shannon," and I had a major falling out years ago and I haven't spoken to her or her family since -- except briefly, when we had to make arrangements for our father's funeral three years ago. Shannon is 17 years older than me, married with two grown children. I'm perfectly OK with this arrangement. In fact, I prefer it, and I'm sure they do, too.
The problem is, I recently moved to the same county they live in and have run into several old acquaintances who have asked, "Aren't you Shannon's sister?" or, "How are your nieces doing? I heard one recently had a baby."
Cr-Abby, I no longer consider myself to be Shannon's sister. I have no idea how my nieces are or if one of them had a baby. How should I respond to these well-meaning people? If I tell them I no longer have contact with them, it will lead to questions I'd rather not answer. How do I politely deal with this without opening up my personal life for discussion?

-- SHANNON'S FORMER SISTER

Dear Sister Sledgehammer,

An unmended fall out fence that is 17 years old? WOW, that must be some strong ass mortar you used to build your enclosure. If as you say "you are fine with it" then why not answer this routine and causal queries with a simple "my sister and I dont really keep up with one another these days"?
No, you wrote this letter because when you are asked by normal people, normal questions your guilt monster grows and you feel stupid and estranged due to your own stubborn pride that has trumped relationships with family. The initial reason maybe you yours or your sisters fault,..it's usually a team effort to f-up that bad, but these last 17 years (especially after the opportunity to bond at your fathers funeral went unused) is all on you.

So, if you are totally comfortable with the separation then quit asking stupid questions about the logical consequences of that decision. (Dont even get me started on your reasons for moving closer). You and probably your sister are conflicted and in denial. You both know deep in your souls your separation is unnatural and the consequences of that are weighing on you. Think about what your sister has to explain to her daughters.

So, go lie down at $200 an hour and get the crud cleaned out of your cranium or swallow your pride and pick up the phone and have coffee with sis and see if reconnecting is possible in slow easy steps.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Some Things are Sacred in MD

CELL PHONE USERS SHOULD GIVE IT A REST IN THE LADIES' ROOM
DEAR CR- ABBY:

Unbelievable as it may seem, this actually happened. I was in the ladies' room in my office building when a woman came in talking on her cell phone. She went into the stall next to mine and continued carrying on a conversation throughout her visit -- even while washing her hands!
I have mentioned this to several people. They say they have encountered the same situation in restrooms, too.
Cr- Abby, how would you suggest we handle this in the future?
-- SOME THINGS ARE SACRED IN MARYLAND

Dear Sister of the Sacred S_ _ _ house,

Cr-Abby hates it when people use their cell phones inappropriately; i.e. movie theaters, restaurants, and churches. However, I'm conflicted as to whether the rest room chatter crosses the Ms. Manners line.

I'm asking myself would I rather have the quiet awkwardness of hearing my neighbor fart, kerplunk and/or wee or listen to some idle chatter that may mask my own bio-noises.

I want to hear the actors in a movie (usually), I want to have a nice chat with my dinner companion(s), I want to hear the Reverend tell me what I did wrong and that it's okay and I'm forgiven. All of this I want to hear without Suzie yakking on the phone to Sally about last nights date.

I'm less interested in making sure there is churchlike quiet while people make those necessary but "not ready for prime time" noises often overheard in restrooms.

I suspect however, that the person on the other end of these calls is not very happy to hear the flushing and pre-flush noises while trying to have a phone conversation.

If your own personal tastes requires that you do something to curb that behavior maybe you could pre-flush to interrupt the conversation.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Befriended and Blessed in Michigan

CLOSE FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS START WITH REACHING OUT

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I would like to tell "Friend-Challenged in Glendale, Calif." (Aug. 2) that I have been in her shoes. She needs to make her desire for friendship known to others.
For years I had a pleasant life as a wife, mother and teacher with many colleagues and acquaintances through church and other interest groups. But inside I was desperately lonely for female friendship. No one ever truly "connected" beyond the surface level.
One afternoon I was walking with a colleague and she asked, philosophically, "What do you really need in your life?" I burst into tears and answered, "I need a friend!" We hugged and cried together, and from that moment on, our deeper heartfelt relationship began and widened to include several more women who are solid, there-for-each-other friends.
I am grateful for her insightful question and emotional support. She had no idea that I felt so isolated, and I learned to be more open about my needs.

-- BEFRIENDED AND BLESSED IN MICHIGAN

Dear Go Big (Boo Hoo) Blue,

Not only is your attempt to re-re-advise an Abby writer unwelcome, your advise is ill-conceived. This poor gal wants to join a coven and you tell her to show her weak side. That doesn't demonstrate much knowledge about the dynamics of how these gal guilds operate.

Let's examine the entomology of the phrase "Coven"...

Coven; from the Latin "covetous" or (to covet, desire other peoples' property, life, or perceived advantage). A Group of Witches (called a Coven) does this via a pack mentality. The word "W"itches..was mangled during translation In England. The "W" was dropped and replaced with "B" (like King William being called Bill) and now the phrase is "bea'tch's". Here in the USA we drop the "W" and replace it with an "M" for moron (but I digress). Essentially witches form a coven to cast spells and spread ill-will about other witches.

So, to join a coven you have to have something the coven covets...a better husband, nicer car, better kids, bigger house, better wardrobe, tighter buns, bigger busts etc. Showing weakness to this group doesn't earn you entry, it usually results in being eaten alive.

My advice; tone up, slim down, toughen up and walk your dog around a neighborhood you want to live in some day. Some witch will come out to chat with you and size up your qualifications to join the coven.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Prefer's Briefs

WIFE'S TIGHT-FISTED MONEY POLICY PUTS MAN IN A BIND
DEAR CR-ABBY: I am in my 70s, on Social Security and in my second marriage. My wife, "Irene," is in her early 50s and holds a good job. She also holds the purse strings, and allows me $5 a week for coffee with my friends. I drive a little scooter, and Irene has given me a gas credit card so I can get around.
Last week, I told her that I need some underwear and asked her for her store credit card. She said she has a drawer full of nylon panties and that I should wear them instead. She said when they are worn out she will buy me some new men's underwear. She also said she didn't want to waste any money on me since the panties are still wearable.
What if someone finds out? Irene says that since I'm over 70 it doesn't matter. Do you think this is right? -- PREFERS BRIEFS

Dear Ball-less Brief's,

If you sign off on the wifey's panty plan your castration will be complete and hence they'll fit nicely. Dude, look in the mirror did you play the Lion in the Wizard of Oz?,...and where is your income? You sound like that annoying lady in the First Alert commericals..."Help, I've fallen and I can't find my nuts"!

Obviously anyone reading this letter will react similarly and you haven't provided what must be some mitigating background info that would partially explain how you got to this point in a marriage. I'm left to wonder,..did you blow the family fortune, never work, don't you have your own SS check coming in on the 3rd of each month?

The dynamic of a marriage is a battle of wills (usually fought in a thousand subtle ways with an occasional nuclear exchange). There is never a real 50/50 result, that is a fantasy, but there is usually some form of tolerable parity. It sounds as if your record in marital military matches is 0-211. You wouldn't be French by chance?

Your problem goes way past your wife having pulled a wedgie over your wallet. You are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. You have been in prison so long you have grown accustom to the taste of her jailhouse grub and learned to enjoy your daily beatings from the guard.

I don't pretend to know your financial situation but there is always that greeter job at Wal-Mart where you can earn $7 an hour. Wally World is not a bad place to find a reasonable deal on boxers or whitey tighties (you have a choice well beyond panty's or briefs).

After all, this is America and only in American can you borrow money from the Chinese to buy Asian made textiles to wrap your shrinking red-white and BLUE scrotum sack in.

Pitch a Tent down by the river and find your balls.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Henderson, NV

EXASPERATED VOTER IS BESIEGED BY OFFENSIVE POLITICAL E-MAIL
DEAR CR-ABBY: Once again, e-mails are flying at record speed with "information" about the Democratic or Republican candidates. I am not talking about the funny ones that are meant in good humor, but serious, derogatory accusations.
Can you please explain to me why friends would just assume that I want to read their forwarded messages? Not once has any of them asked who I'm voting for. They have never even asked which party I belong to.
I believe that politics and religion are personal choices, and I'm extremely offended when I receive these e-mails. I have ignored them in the past, but with the upcoming election, I'm asking what would be an appropriate response to these unwanted e-mails. Isn't freedom of choice -- without having people ram their opinion down your throat -- what has made America great? Thanks for any light on this subject. -- HENDERSON, NEV.,

Dear Offended Outside of Lost Wages,

Al Gore (who invented the internet) add two special features just for you...it's called the junk folder and the delete key.

Your friends have your email address because you or another friend provided it. If you don't want to get these messages it the "reply key" and ask to be taken off the distribution list if you have the stones for that or simply delete as your in-box intuition guides you.

I have a friend from Ethiopia who keeps writing to give me money but I just delete the emails despite the 47 times I have won their lottery...what are the odds of that?

One last piece of advice, you may want to ease up on your email access over the next 14 days...because it is going to be a bumpy ride.

Cr-Abby

Dea Cr-Abby from A-Gassed in Illinois

DOCTORED GASOLINE GIVES THEFT VICTIM MEASURE OF SATISFACTION

DEAR CR-ABBY:

A few weeks ago, I returned home after mowing the lawn at my mother's place and parked my truck behind my house. I left the lawnmower and a 5-gallon can of gas in the bed of my truck and went into the house for a drink of water. When I returned, the gas can was missing.
I bought another can, filled it with gas and added 2 pounds of sugar. Again, I parked my truck in the same spot with the gas can visible. An hour later, it too had disappeared.
A short while later, I noticed a neighbor's son and his friends pushing his car up the street. They said they had "engine problems." My wife thinks what I did was wrong and that I should offer to pay for this lad's engine repairs. What do you think? -- "A-GASSED" IN ILLINOIS

Dear Illinois A.G.,

Please find above a letter from one of your citizens who has added illegal elements to our product. As you know we spend billions of dollars to defend our brand and it's reputation in the market place. This blatant defiling of our number one product has caused our image to be damaged in the publics mind.

Also, please find enclosed an envelop for your re-election campaign, we didn't have time to go to the bank and have a cashiers check drafted. We trust that the cash doesn't cause you too much inconvenience.

Anyway, thanks in advance for seeking out and prosecuting this renegade customer who obviously hasnt grasped that being anti-Exxon is anti-American.

Yours Truly,

Lee Raymond (ret.)
ex-CEO Exxon/Mobile
Cayman Islands

Dear Cr-Abby from Wants to Disclose

MOM BEARS BRUNT OF DAUGHTER'S ANGER OVER PARENTS' DIVORCE

DEAR CR- ABBY:

My husband cheated on me, so I decided to end the marriage. I didn't tell anyone the true reason behind the divorce because I wanted to keep it private.
My 14-year-old daughter is extremely angry with me and blames me for the divorce. Her father can do no wrong in her eyes. I have custody, and our house has become a war zone.
So far, I have revealed no details to her except that we both love her and our marriage simply did not work out. I am tempted to tell her the truth, hoping we can call a truce and try to get our relationship back on track. Is this a bad idea? -- WANTS TO DISCLOSE

Dear WMD (Weapons of Mom's Destruction),

There are two distinct and separate issues here...don't confuse the two. You have your 14 year olds disrespectful behavior and you have a divorce. Mothers and daughters go through these battles in homes that are in tact and those under seige.
Negatory on the disclosure!!!

First, there is no upside in dragging daddy into the fray...use his current "good standing" with your daughter to fix things...he knows what he did and if you pull him aside and share the problems and ask him to fix it,..HE may opt to fess up or HE may opt to simply lay down the law as to acceptable behavior with her interaction with you (I suggest the later).

If you reach for the NUKES (trashing Dad in a divorce details disclosure) you'll arm your daughter with more ammo without fixing the primary problem. Secondarily, full disclosure would include things that you may not want shared. If you only tell what your reasons for the divorce were, Dad may have to share things about you, including the reasons he stepped out in the first place. There will be no winners in that dirty laundry airing.

No, at 14 the real important stuff is not the break up of the home it falls on things like friends, clothes, boys, and bling. So, your true weapons of mass destruction are the embargo's you can impose...i.e. No Mall trips, No afer school friends time, No gift cards to Tillys, Sun Diego, and all those fun names for stores that sell $3 T-shirts for $35.

Good Luck,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Solicited in Ohio

COUPLE BALKS AT CONTRIBUTING TO MONEY MANAGER'S CAUSE
DEAR CR-ABBY: Our financial adviser, "Wally," who has managed our finances for a number of years, sent us a letter asking us to donate to a charity he is starting.
We feel like we are being held hostage because he knows how much money we have and how we spend it. We feel Wally has crossed the line of professionalism. What do you think, and what should we do?
-- SOLICITED IN OHIO

Dear "Do You Want to Party?" in Wally World,

Just because the John knows you have the greenbacks to cover the ticket price doesnt mean you have to take Angel out for a ride. Bythe way, many of you folks in Ohio are being solicited by two guys running for Prez. Hang in there the attention you are enjoying will only last another 17 days. Then you'll be forgotten like the rest of us.

Your money manager should be able to advise you as to what percent of your income should go to philanthropic causes to maximize tax benefits but he should leave the driving to you.
Before I give you my final advice, I need to ask you a few questions...
1) How have your investments done recently due to Wally's advice?
2) Are you familiar with the former ambassador of finance from Ethiopia?
You se, I just found out that you have a dormant account in Africa. IN fact if you give Cr-Abbby your name, address, date of birth, SS number and name of bank with account number, I can have 5 million dollars transferred to you. All I need to do is pay a relatively small some to cover the overdue taxes from your interest (about 28K).

So, see you have more dough to toss around and maybe if Wally's investment advice has been helpful you can throw him this tiny charity bone. If not, then I suggest you send this letter to him.

Dear Wally,
Thanks for the opportunity to participate and support your new charity. On further review we believe already "gave at the office". PLease find attached our last statement from your company showing _______losses for the last quarter. As we paid for this bad advice we can only conclude that this was a charitable contribution to a special ED financial advisory program. If you can reverse this trend cover our losses and post some gains, feel free to contact us again at that time.

Yours Truly, Solicited in Ohio

By the way, beware of scams when being solicited for donations. LIke this guy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U74s8nFE7No

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Younger than my Years

WIFE MAKES AGE AN ISSUE BY LYING TO HER HUSBAND

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I have been married to "Andrew" for five years. I consider him to be my best friend. We have known each other for six years. I am 38, and Andrew is 33.My problem is Andrew thinks I'm 34. I didn't exactly tell him my true age way back when, and he believes I am four years younger than I actually am.We want children, and I know that this is the time to come clean. But I'm not sure how my husband will react when he hears the news, and I'm afraid he may leave me. I have prayed about this, and it seems the best course is the truth. What should I do?

-- YOUNGER THAN MY YEARS

Dear 38 Going on 29,

While honesty and trust in a marriage are important cornerstones, I don't think you have too big an issue here. Haven't you heard, 40 is the new 30? However, before I jump into my advice and your solution, I'd like to share another letter I received the same day I got yours.

Dear Cr-Abby,

My name is Andrew and I'm 38 years old. I have been married for 6 years and my wife who is 34 and she is ready to have children. The problem is I haven't been totally honest with her. I love her very much,... really I do, but lately I have become to have feelings for a co-worker,...let's call him Frank. Frank is so sensitive yet wise and mature. Where as my wife is always trying to act younger than she is,..it really is annoying. I have never thought of myself as Gay but these feelings just won't go away. Should I be honest with my wife before we bring a child into my confusing world?

--Conflicted and Cornered

So, anyway,...back to you and your little fib about age. Cr-Abby rule of thumb...I always add 15% to any woman's stated age and I advise that women should subtract the same percent from any man's stated size.

If you want to continue the rouse as to your age, we do live in the age of 20 million illegals in the USA and identity theft is more or less a cottage industry. Getting yourself a birth certificate and accompanying identification should be no problem. So, see poof you are now 34!

(Just ask your Gardner "Fred Smith" where to go for the docs).

However, based on Andrew's letter you may want to rethink your entire approach to your dilemma.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Elizabeth in Colorado

'PLEASE CALL POLICE' BANNERS ARE HELPFUL ON AND OFF ROAD

DEAR CR-ABBY:
From time to time you have mentioned how to order "Please Call Police" banners in your column. They are not only a wonderful idea, but also an effective way to assist people with disabilities -- a concept that has become meaningful to me since turning 88 last January.Last winter the power went out and my cell phone charger stopped working. All my phones were dead. Lucky for me, the power came back on in my area by noon, but it didn't in other areas. It can be alarming when we can no longer take charge in these emergencies. My sister checks on me, but when the phone lines went out, the message said "line busy," so she didn't know there was a problem.I live in a mobile home park where folks take care of each other when we can. I called my neighbor across the street to tell him which window I will put my banner in if I need help, and he asked me if I would order one for him and possibly some for our other neighbors. Thank you for this service, Abby. If you print the ordering information again, it will help a lot of other folks.
-- ELIZABETH IN COLORADO

Dear Beth in a Winnebago Near Bolder,

So you are advocating that lots of folks get these "Please Call Police Banners"....I would argue against the wide spread distribtuion of said banners. Here's why,...

a) You have yours, so you're covered
b) If everyone has theirs and there is a big emergency the value of your banner just went down faster than my 401K did last week
c) The best move is to unhitch the trailer, move and set up shop next to Krispy Kremes

There are too few cops for too many emergencies in Trailerville. Have you ever watched the TV show COPS? 9 times out of 10 they go to a trailer and out comes Ma Kettle and her Meth lab, or Pa Kettle sporting a shiner because Ma Kettle caught Pa in bed with Little Kettle.

Bottomline, the cops already know there is an emergency in almost any trailer in Colorado, it's just that they can't get to everyone and get in their donut stop too!

Your plan to get more banners out there would dilute the possibility of them checking in on you before the smell of our corpse compelled someone to show up anyway.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from In Pain in Oklahoma

MAN'S GRIEF IS OVERLOOKED AFTER DEATH OF HIS STEPSONDEAR CR-ABBY: My wife and I have been married a year and a half. I was childless; she came into the marriage with three sons. The middle son went to live with his father, and I bonded with the oldest (age 17) and the youngest (age 9). Both boys called me Dad, and I called them my sons.Two months ago, the older boy, "Troy," was killed in a car wreck. Friends and family came to console "Cynthia," but not me. The only time they talked to me was to ask how she was doing. When it came time to plan the services, Cynthia and her family did everything. No one asked me a question or for my opinion.Troy was my son, too -- "step" or not. The pain of losing him is real and profound. I have tried to be there for Cynthia, but she has distanced herself from me. She has received cards, letters and phone calls, but I am having a difficult time dealing with the grief and loss, too. Why can't people realize that Troy was loved by both of us, not just by his mother?

-- IN PAIN IN OKLAHOMA

Dear Sooner Sorrow Seeking Sympathy,

Cr-Abby has no doubt that your grief is geniune, your love for the boy real and your loss tragic...just one things grabbing my gills the wrong way with your story...

...you seem to be more upset about the lack of attention paid to you and your grief v. what the natural mom received in public. If your letter had shared your story and asked how to comfort the Mrs. while dealing with your own grief,..then Cr-Abby would be give you 2 claws up and be fully in your corner.

This sounds like misplaced whining and I can't abide that. You both lost a son and you both have to grieve and deal with that loss, there is no doubt that losing a child is the most horrific thing any parent can endure but getting the short end of the attention at the wake is nothing to ponder, concern yourself with, nor ask pity for.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Dennis in Rochester NY

MOM'S PROBLEM WITH MANNERS MAY BE MISPLACED PRIORITIES
DEAR CR-ABBY: May I point out something to "Mannerly Mom in Cumberland" (July 23)? She's the woman who, after thanking someone, becomes offended when she hears, "No problem," rather than, "You're welcome."In many languages, the literal response to "Thank you" translates to, "It was nothing." So a reply of "No problem" is not entirely inappropriate. In fact, it makes more sense to me than, "You're welcome," which I don't understand at all. I am welcome to what?
If "Mannerly Mom" is really worried about teaching her children proper manners, shouldn't she be more concerned that they DO respond in acknowledgment rather than insist that they use the proper words? To me, that would be a much more valuable lesson.

-- DENNIS IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

Dear People with too much time on your hands,

Cr-Abby doesn't mind providing his valuable insights to those in need. However, he does get his claw in a pinch when you whining slackers waste good newsprint space with this dribble. Miss Manners needs to get laid (a lot) and the whole clucking brood of hens that follow her are also in need of a roto rooter rub down.

Dennis in Rochester NY; (are you a Jack Benny radio routine team?) I'm not sure why a dude is even tuning into this manners channel but you may need to check your "y" chromozone level and ponder the more important issue of your ordination if this type of problem warrants your intervention and attention.

As for the debate about "Thank You" v. "No Problem" I offer this alternative;
"Don't trip over yourself with praise and thanks, I routinely help out the disadvantaged and I wouldn't want to tax your abilities by belaboring how to properly show your gratitude. So here you go, send whatever amount you deem appropriate to; Cr-Abby, 3rd shell on the left, San Diego Harbor, Pacific Ocean".

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Plan Old Me in North Carolina

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I am a 12-year-old, and I'm not pretty. I just started seventh grade, and I have noticed that people date each other based completely on looks. I think that's superficial, and I wouldn't want to date someone just because of it. The sad thing is, everybody does it. People are passed over because of their looks who may actually be nice people inside.I don't understand why people judge me based on what my parents gave me -- like my eyes or the shape of my lips. I mean, I know I could change my hair or wear makeup, but I can't change my genetics. Suggestions?

-- PLAIN OLD ME IN NORTH CAROLINA

Dear Not a Diva near Deliveranceville,

There is nothing you can do about people making physical judgments and that is a shame. One of the building blocks of our species is the need for people to mix up the genetic ooze outside of kin. When your family tree looks too linear there are consequences. Something your dad and sis should have considered before they errr uihmmm connected.

Fear not, there are other ways to prevail in society beyond the "Halle Berry/Brad Pitt" look alike contest. In fact, I think your time is just about to come through.
You see our economy is in the crapper...what was once highly valued is becoming irrelevant and old skills and old industries will take on a more important stature in society. So, if you can become a success in any of these once tried and true areas of commerce, you can buy yourself a honey with all the trimmings;

1) Moon shine...folks need to drink now more than ever

2) Hog and Chicken Slaughtering...man's gotta eat

3) Whittling...toys for tots without dough

4) Farming, Pea-Shucking, Canning and other life skills

5) Lynching,..useful for ex-CEO's and Politicians as we weed through the trash

So, you see justices wheel just takes a little time to come your way.

All that said, darling, you gotta do something about those feet!!!

Cr-Abby

PS; Climbing a tree is cool, becoming a tree isn't

Dear Cr-Abby from Disconcerted in New York

DEAR CR-ABBY:

My father left my mother for a woman I'll call "Sheila" he met at work. I was only 7. My brother was 9 at the time; he committed suicide at the age of 20.
My father and Sheila eventually married and had four children who are now grown. Their oldest was born while my parents were still legally married.
My mother never wanted a divorce. She gave him one reluctantly when she knew all was lost, but she never got over it. Although Mom never said an unkind word about my father, she was never the same woman. Basically, she devoted her life to my brother and me, her home and her full-time job. She died last year after a brief illness, and my father didn't even attend the funeral.
Two weeks ago, I received a long letter from one of Dad and Sheila's kids. In it she told me that she had nothing to do with what happened, so couldn't we get to know one another? She extended an open invitation to lunch or dinner.
The thought of getting close to the offspring of the woman who broke up my parents' marriage and caused my mother so much pain is surreal. Abby, what do you think I should do?
-- DISCONCERTED IN NEW YORK

Dear Disconnected from Big Apple Tree,

It is obvious that you harbor a great deal of anger towards your father...some with good reason the rest a matter of piling on. You infer in your letter that your brothers suicide was a subsequent reaction to your fathers leaving. You don't offer any indication of your father's involvement or support which may mean there wasnt any but given the tone of your letter I think you would have tossed that into the guilt salad.

You also either don't know or didn't share as Paul Harvey would say..."the rest of the story". You don't know what the cause of the marriage dissolution was other than the "other woman" which is usually a symptom not a cause. That all said, you dad isn't part of your life and you don't seem to be inclined to reconnect.

Hence, I am left with a puzzle without the last piece in the box. Why did your half-siblings reachout? What is their motivation? Could it be daddy behind the scenes sending out emissaries? That is sort of how we deal with Iran (we go through the Swiss as we have no direct diplomatic relationship).

If there was no interaction as you grew up (between his kids and you and your brother) it seems odd that they would reach out now all on their own.
Your mother is gone, your brother is gone and you are estranged from your father. That's a tough triple play to field. I'm going to go way out on a limb here and suggests;

a) Daddy was a bit better than you paint him here
b) Your mother playing martyr was not a healthy reaction for you or your brother
c) Your brother killed himself for reasons other than dad's leaving
d) You have decided out of mental convenience to blame daddy for everything
e) He is reaching out to help you using his kids as the ambassadors
f) You probably need a little couch time with a pro

However, as to the invite to connect. I would politely defer the invite (say not right now, but maybe in a month or two) while you tend to your own clockwork repair. Then as you learn more about yourself make a more informed decision as to your relationship with Dad.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Brokenhearted in Phoenix

FIANCE SAYS COLD FEET MAY WARM UP A YEAR FROM NOW

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I was engaged for 18 months to "Jerry," a man I wanted to marry. We become engaged after dating for six months, but we had known each other three years before becoming romantically involved.A few weeks ago, Jerry announced that he wants to end our engagement because he is going through a "selfish period" in his life and wants to be able to go out without feeling guilty.I believe Jerry is seeing someone else, but he is adamant that this is only for him -- his chance to be independent. He said he wants me to give him a chance to possibly rekindle our relationship in a year. I don't know if I'm willing to do that. Any advice?

-- BROKENHEARTED IN PHOENIX

Dear Tossed aside near Tombstone,

In every relationship there is an Alpha dog and you ain't it. This one just lifted his leg and took a cold, quick piss on your chest squeezer...inky dinky doo!

You have invested 4 1/2 years with this guy and he is asking for another 12 month sabbatical. I say see his 12 and raise him 18 more months. "I'm going through a selfish period" what crap. That's the self deprecating version of "hey it's not you it's me" and in this case he is spot on.

Now here's the deal,...biologists tells us that every cell in our bodies change out every seven years (not all at once). So, you and he are 63% or so different than when you first met. You only have 2 1/2 more to go and he might be an entirely different person...but don't count on it.

Psychologists suggest (they never tell you anything definitive...the losers) that it takes half the time you had in a relationship to get over it. It sounds as if he has a week in whereas you have the full 4.5 years.

Now we'll have to figure out how to get you through the next 2 1/4 years. First, get busy...volunteer, take up hobbies (like garndening see pic), work out etc. Do anything to minimize your "sitting at home staring at the non-ringing phone" time. Second, take a chance on 4 to 6 guys who you might not ordinarily think of as dating material. They are probably better on the inside than your current narcissist.

Eyes open and straight ahead, no looking back and you'll be the better for it.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from California Poll Worker

VOTERS URGED TO DO HOMEWORK BEFORE THEY GO TO THE POLLS

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I have been a poll worker for years. I would appreciate it if you would print this important advice to voters: Before Election Day, voters should check the sample ballot they receive in the mail for their precinct number and the location of their polling place. Polling places can change for a variety of reasons.

Often several voting precincts are housed in one location. If a person goes to the wrong location -- perhaps because they have voted there before -- it can take considerable time and effort to direct the person correctly. Nearly all these problems would be avoided if people read the information on the sample ballot and brought it with them on Election Day.

Also, the voting booth is not the place to review and make decisions about the candidates and issues. This should be done in advance (another reason for the sample ballot). The booth is for one purpose: to mark your ballot. It is inconsiderate to occupy the space for an extended period of time, especially near closing time.

Poll workers have an extremely long day, arriving an hour before polls open, and often working for hours more after the polls close. A prepared voter makes a great contribution to making the election process a positive one for all concerned. -- CALIFORNIA POLL WORKER

Dear California POLE Worker,

Didn't I meet you at a gentleman's club last year,...are you Bambi Starr? Can I have my wallet back?

I'm joking, I know you said POLL not POLE!

Hey,speaking of wallets... this year the usual research is not necessary (aside from the polling place location info you mention above). You don't have to go to the women's league of voters, you don't have to watch the debates, you don't even need to pick up a newspaper. In essence, this election was especially made for Californians (who usually spend more time on their Horse track Racing Form before betting $2 on Charging Stallion than they do researching the ballot initiatives and candidates before an election.

Simply ask yourself, are you better off today than you were 8 years ago, or 8 days ago or 8 minutes ago?

If not vote for the NON INCUMBENT.

In the unusual case of two non-incumbents running, pick the one with the least amount of time in Washington or Sacramento.

Yep, Cr-Abby's voting for Obama...32 years I have been a Republican and have never voted for a Democratic Presidential Candidate, but it's finally happened. GWB, Mission Accomplished. John McCain, sorry you got hosed in 2000 by GWB in South Carolina and now once again by him in 2008. I was on the bubble but your Palin pick (who would be a decent Pole Worker but is not ready for prime time) and the Bail Out package (that you rushed from your campaign to vote for even after the 150 billion in pork was added) was enough for me to close my eyes, hold my nose and darken the bubble for the other guy.

I'm not sure I can buy this Maverick/Reformer thing. After all since you have been in Congress 28 years you are either ineffective or in genuine as a reformer.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Jill in Titusville, NJ

TOURETTE SYNDROME COULD BE CAUSE OF MAN'S NERVOUS HABITSDEAR CR-ABBY: I am writing regarding the letter from "Sniffled Out in Indiana" (July 18), who complained about the noises her co-worker made throughout the day. True, her co-worker may suffer from an allergy or chronic post-nasal drip, but it is also possible that he has Tourette syndrome. This is a neurological disorder, the symptoms of which can include excessive throat-clearing, sniffling and other vocalizations (verbal tics), as well as eye-blinking, facial-grimacing and shoulder-shrugging (physical tics).Most people know only the stereotypical Tourette image they see presented on TV shows and in the movies of someone shouting, cursing and thrashing about. The average person usually does not realize that most people with TS suffer from mild symptoms that are often misinterpreted as "annoying habits." This lack of understanding and education about Tourette syndrome on the part of the general public is one of the greatest obstacles for people who have this condition. -- JILL IN TITUSVILLE, N.J.

Dear Jill in Jersey ***Jacka##...oops,

Cr-Abby thanks you for sharing this launching pad. The week so far has been a little too tame and the letters too mushy to work with but this Tourette Trouble is rich fodder for me...***you wanker...oops!

However, you nor Abby gave the gal in Indiana any useful advice...moron oops! What you idiots...sorry, both missed is while the jerkoff...uhm co-worker, darn it,..in the next cubicle may suffer a mild form of tourettes, you missed the solution part of your job,...slacker...uhmmm sorry.

Here are some;

Passive

Noise Cancelling Headphones, I-Pod version 73, Maxwell Smart's Cone of Silence

Assertive

Air horn (small can form), squirt gun, electric shock collar

Aggressive

Pretend to have the ailment yourself and counter each of his throat clearing groans with your own special uncontrollable response of your own. That way you both can enjoy ADA employment protection and the surrounding employees can be entertained.

So, the next time you...bea'tches, oops, try to give advice to some...loser, sorry, remember identifying the problem is the beginning of the solution not the end.

Finish the...f'ing job.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Christie's Mom

HARD-WORKING FRESHMAN IS ADRIFT IN A SEA OF PARTYERS
DEAR CR- ABBY:

My daughter, "Christie," just started her freshman year in college. She's a little overwhelmed and trying to adjust. She is smart, focused and mature. Christie's biggest problem is it seems that all the other students in her dorm want to do is party. They buy alcohol with fake IDs and sneak it in.
Christie has told the others that she's not a partyer, and has been focusing on her work while her roommate and suitemates drink and miss classes. This makes my daughter not only unhappy, but also feel isolated. I talk to her every day to reassure her that she will find "her" group of friends. Is there anything else I could advise? -- CHRISTIE'S MOM

Dear C- Mom-Run,

Before we get started which university is this and what's the dorm room number? It sounds like a fun place for ole Paddy to hang out in.

Contrary to your assertion that your daughter's biggest problem is the other roommates and their drinking, you later share "she feels isolated".

College is not just a book report regimen, it is also an important time in social development. Hopefully you have not been such a prude as to send your daughter in to this Gauntlet of Guzzling without proper preparation. If you were really looking to protect your daughter from this influence there are universities that specialize in delaying these experiences BYU, TCU etc.

Of course, Cr-Abby doesn't recommend those approaches...trying to reign in hormones and experimenting is akin to sealing a live grenade inside a Mason jar and hoping for the best. The grenade still explodes but now you just have more shards of glass to blend with the shrapnel to deal with.

Every woman needs to learn the fine art of taking one beer and making it last the night without making it look like you only had one beer. This serves multiple purposes that are life essential lessons of great import...

1) She'll click with the clic

2) The boys will think they are getting some and then they pass out and she drives them home safely

3) Studying and Socializing find a harmonic balance

4) She can have a built-in excuse for any miscues,...like..."oh did I say you were bea'cth, I'm sorry I was just so trashed last night...not"!

So fear not Mom, encourage the little one to turn into the skid and find her niche at Delta House

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Smokey the Bore

SIMPLE PRECAUTIONS PREVENT DEADLY, COSTLY HOUSE FIRES
DEAR CR- ABBY: The number of fires in the United States has declined over the years, and while that's encouraging, there is still a real cause for concern today. In 2007, eight in 10 people who died in a fire were killed in a home fire.
Practically everyone runs the risk of experiencing a home fire. Most -- if not all -- home fires can be prevented. However, while it may be overwhelming to think about the risk, especially when spending time at home doing routine things like whipping up a meal or relaxing in a warm living room on a brisk fall evening, thinking about the risk and doing something to eliminate it can prevent a home fire from happening in the first place.
This year's Fire Prevention Week public awareness campaign (Oct. 5 to Oct. 11) focuses on preventing home fires and highlights personal actions the public can take to become familiar with fire safety hazards and learn to avoid them. Since 1922, this fire safety observance has brought attention to fire safety issues.
Everyone can eliminate fires with a little extra care. When it's time to prepare a meal or snack, remember that cooking is the leading cause of home fires. Keeping fire safety in mind when cooking, and paying attention to what is on the stovetop or in the oven, can pay off when it comes to reducing the risk of cooking fires.
Most often, these fires start when cooking is left unattended. It's also a good idea to monitor the cooking area to make sure that curtains and other things that can burn are a safe distance away from the stovetop.
Cooking causes the largest number of fires, but more people die in fires involving smoking materials or heating equipment. Taking recommended precautions where they are involved will also help to reduce the risk of people dying in home fires.
Each year, home fires kill approximately 2,500 to 3,000 people, injure another 12,000 to 13,000, and cause between $6 billion and $7 billion in property loss. Don't take the chance of becoming one of these statistics. -- JAMES M. SHANNON, PRESIDENT AND CEO, NATIONAL FIRE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION

Dear Jimmy the Geek,

Thank you so much for the self-promoting safety lessons with these new nifty ideas like don't leave a flame unattended. Great you are giving women another f-ing reason not to cook.

Moreover, you are interfering with an important species improvement regimen...the gleaning of the herd. Those who don't follow some of your common sense measures will be victims...as it should be. Haven't you heard of Darwin and Natural Selection. We're trying to minimize dimwits in the capitol and you are out there protecting future Senators from themselves.

Interesting to me is that you failed to mention during this important "Fire Safety Awareness Week" the single leading cause of fires in this economy...

The combustible nature of an insurance policy rubbing up against a jacked-up mortgage, I suspect the stats on this phenom will skyrocket.

Perhaps you need to add a more colorful and entertaining member to your staff to "get the word" out. I suggest you seek out this individual and have him address the nation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8g_arzPICEA

Oh, one last tip you forgot to mention...when sitting at home bored, if you have to lite your own farts, keep a bottle of seltzer handy. I should add, prunes generate a more powerful/dangerous blast than beans.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Consumed by Guilty in NY

HUSBAND IS RACKED BY GUILT DESPITE AVOIDING TEMPTATION

DEAR CR-ABBY:

I have been happily married for a number of years. I'm not what you would call "hot" -- far from it, actually. But for some reason, women have always been attracted to me.It doesn't matter where I work, there always seems to be some woman coming on to me. I have never cheated on my wife -- never! I have always told the interested party that I'm married and love my wife and kids, and would never do anything to destroy what we have.About a year ago, my wife and I hit a rough spot. I met a woman who was having problems with her boyfriend. We were attracted to each other and became quite close. We never did anything physically. We never spoke of love, and both recognized that we were only infatuated. My problem is this is the first time I was really tempted. I resisted, thank God, but feel terribly guilty about it. My head says telling my wife would help relieve my guilt, but nothing else. Ultimately, it would hurt her.Because nothing actually "happened," should I listen to my head, or should I go with my heart, which says to tell her everything? This is eating me up inside.

-- CONSUMED BY GUILT IN N.Y.

Dear Eaten Up on the East Side,

Are you a moron?

Only Jimmy Carter got away with this one...remember his playboy interview confession "I have sinned in my heart"? Who the hell hasn't...Jesus was tempted by the devil using harlots. All men "think about it, apparently 60% do it and the other 40% errr uhmm "handle it" differently.

Think about lions...the Alpha male hits all the lionesses because he can. We can't because our lionesses would kill us,...then you'd really be all Eaten Up on the East side.

Don't go there, don't think about it, don't hint to the Mrs. you have any eyes drifting...ever. Even when she asks you...Hey, see that girl over there, she's pretty don't you think? The only acceptable answer ever is..."who, what girl where?" Got it? Learn it, Live It, Love it!!!

Remember Lorena Bobbitt and Johnless John. Women get weird about this stuff.

Do her, do yourself and do the rest of us a favor. Shut your trap and quit thinking all the women at work are "coming on to you". Here's the reality...

The world has such a scarcity of good men, women are attracted to you because they think somehow you are different than the a##hole they have at home. At work, all of us men are only "representatitives" of our true selves. At work we belch, scratch, fart and pick our noses less often and with more stealth. It's this false perception not a reality that they are infatuated with.

Of course, all's fair,...you don't really think the boobs on that gal you "almost step out with" are real do you? These work place mirages operate on an equal opportunity deceit playground.

Go home and fart you a## off and pretend nothing has changed.

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr-Abby from Adam's Mom

STUBBORN TOT PLAYS HARD TO GET WITH FRUSTRATED GRANDMOTHER

DEAR CR- ABBY: After 12 years on the West Coast, my husband and I moved back East last year with our 3-year-old son, "Adam." My parents, my husband's mom and our siblings live here, and we wanted Adam to know his family.
The problem is, our son has taken to everyone except my mother. He'll hug and kiss everyone but her. He kisses the others in front of her, but crosses his arms over his chest and says, "No!" or runs away if he's asked to kiss her.
At first, Mom said it was OK because Adam needed time to adjust to her. But it has been a year, and he has barely given her two pecks. She says Adam doesn't like her. But he plays with her and has fun with her. Mom is now hinting that I need to teach him to "respect" her. She has referred to him as a "little brat" to others (in front of me) when he refused to be affectionate. I think she's being childish.
I can't force my son to be affectionate with Grandma, and if I continue to press it, he may never be. What can I do to make Mom feel better? -- ADAM'S MOMMY

Dear Go East Young Eve,

Not a very compelling problem for Cr-abby to gnaw on. Hard to believe that lame A## Abby opted to print your "cry for help" with Little Awful Adam.

They say the acorn doesn't fall far from the Oak,...could it be that hubby isn't a big fan of his mother-in-law and little Adam is picking up on that vibe?

You can't force affection, but you can instill discliplne and respect. In your letter you don't suggest that grandmom does anything wrong (aside from the brat comments which seem well deserved). So, I think you need to engage the little sh*t and tell him he will give GM a peck on the check when he comes to the house and one when he leaves. You must be prepared for the predictable resistence and tantrum and give hubby the job to disclipline Adam accordngly. Rinse-Lather-Repeat until desired compliance is achieved.

I don't have the timinig completely down, but it appears that Adam was born out West and then came to the East when he was 2. Hence he did not get that bonding thing with the grandparents that would have happened had logistics not been a problem.

That excuse aside, unless there are things happening behind the scenes that you don't know about or haven't shared in your note...this Bud's for you.

Handle It,

Cr-Abby

Dear Cr=Abby from Wiser in Canada

BABY SITTER GETS SCARE OF HER LIFE IN LATE-NIGHT DRIVE HOME

DEAR CR- ABBY:

Please print this as a warning to other teenagers. A couple from church asked me to baby-sit their three kids from 7:30 until 11 p.m. last weekend. My problems began when they didn't pick me up until 9.When they didn't return at the time they had promised, I began to worry. When they finally showed up at 1 a.m., they dropped a measly $6 in my hand. Then the husband drove me home. He reeked of booze and swerved all over the road. It was the most terrifying ride of my life. I was shaking all over by the time we arrived.The next day my dad called the police and told them the man had driven me home drunk. They said that if he had called the previous night, they'd have gone over and taken a Breathalyzer test, but they could do nothing after the fact.My mom then called the woman, who swore her husband hadn't been drunk. When Mom asked her for my going rate ($3 an hour, plus double time after midnight, which would have been $15 or $19.50, if you count the time I was booked for), the woman hung up on her.Some important lessons I learned that night:1. Agree on the wage beforehand.2. If the driver appears drunk (or stoned), call your parent, a friend or a taxi even if it costs you your wages to get home. NEVER get into a car with someone you think is impaired just to be polite.3. Don't automatically trust someone because you go to the same church. Always get references and baby-sit only for people you know well. -- WISER NOW IN CANADA

Dear 16 going on 17,

Tough situation to be sure, and gald you didnt end up wrapped around a tree.

You forgot #4...when you dont have a sober ride home,..call Dad who then could have handled the drive and collected your $19.50. We have a brand new technology here in the states...cell phones, maybe you have heard of them.

All that said, baby sitters across the globe have worst stories to tell Here are some of those horrifying adventures in babysitting...

1) Getting hit on my kid's dad

2) Getting hit on my kids mom

3) Getting hit on by the Pizza delivery guy (just out of jail)

4) Kids who ingest a tad too much sugar before you arrive

5) Boyfriends who come by and raid the fridge and then dash

6) Pets who leave presents right after mom and dad leave

7) Forgetting the charger to your Ipod

8) Hitting the liquor cabinet without knowing the levels were marked by the parents

9) Television with only three channels

-and-

10) Jason, Freddie and John McCain campaign workers coming to the door

Cr-Abby